I don't know who I am anymore. I find myself smiling just so he won't think something is wrong. I am tired of arguing and crying. And being hurt.
Truth is, he doesn't seem to care, and neither do my friends.
I'll write more later.
I had a long-ish talk with my cousin today. We haven't seen each other in over a year, if not more. A lot has changed.
We started discussing Charlie in Russian, which was a tad rude because he was right by us. It wasn't anything bad, though. She asked me if I love him. I answered that of course, we have been together for a year. And she asked me if it was serious. That I did not know how to answer. I love him, and I do want to be with him. I know he loves me too, but I don't think he would be able to stick it out in the long run. Personally, I am amazed at how different he is from other men, but I know that it will be damn hard for him when he is at U of I surrounded by people of much highe caliber than myself, and not being able to see each other will make him... not forget about me, but distance himself from me. He'll start talking to other girls, and one thing leads to the next, and I'm alone. God, I am not religious in any meaning of the word, but I will pray every single day if it means he gets to come home to me. And be mine.
From his point of view, it must be egh being with me. I was horrible for the past month-ish, this happy week of hell drove me insane. I cried for no reason, and I yelled at him for the smallest stuff. We joke around about it, but he must have been miserable. I am really really sorry. And that in consideration, thinking long term, he won't be able to take it (shit I know I won't) if something like this ever happened again. This is my OCD, I desperately try to improve myself, thinking that that would make him happy. And then I see women who look better, or who are smarter, or who are just better than me in every single way, and I want to break down. He should be with them, not with me. I can't keep him away from them; there is nothing I could ever do to make him not want to look at other women. Gah.
Today Carlos made fun of the uber rich people, "OMG my parents got me a black corvette when I wanted a red one, I want to die." I told him that last year I really did want to die. He said "oh yeah?" jokingly. Yeah. I did. I walked in the middle of Palatine road over the little hill thing so no one will see me coming. A really fast car went by, and I felt myself get closer to it as it went by. I ended up in the middle of the road, by some traffic sign thing, crying and so confused. I was just tired of everyone treating me like a failure, of Brian beating the hell out of me, of my own best friend Evelyn not talking to me for over half a year when then I could have used her the most. I was tired of not meeting anyone's standards, and even worse, failing my own.
Another time, my mom got drunk and took out the three guns we had in the house. She was playing around, joking about going to shoot them in the backyard, and was really moody. When she passed out, I hid those guns in random places in my room. I had the magnum right by my pillow, though. For some reason I got it out of the bag loaded (who the fuck would keep a loaded gun in a house with a little kid!?). I put it to my head, and I wanted to shoot it more than anything in the world. But I failed at that too. Not only do I fail at living, I fail at trying to kill myself, too. I thought of myself as a pest, someone who does more damage than good.
I'm crying. What if I was dead? What if I did have enough strength in myself to pull the fucking trigger? I would have died quickly, it wasn't the pain that I was worried about. Pain I knew a lot about. Go to school stoned, fail at every class, get my ass literally kicked out of a moving car by Brian and his friends, and go home to listen to a lecture from my mother about how I am a failure. Yeah mommy, I am. And the next day was the same, although instead of getting kicked out of a car, I got my ribs shattered at Lake Arlington with white plastic pipes while I am running in the middle of the night. X-Rays are expensive as all hell. Yeah pain was fun. People often ask me, "why the hell did you fail classes last year?!" I wonder what they would have done if they were in my place.
But if I did pull it, I would have never been with Charlie. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And I would rather go through what last year was like for the rest of my life than lose him.
I like Kisa because she comforts me when I cry. She cuddles up to me, and starts purring, and I can't help but smile. There will be many nights that I will spend crying once Carlos moves away, but at least I will have my Kisa. And as always, I will put on a happy face for him because God forbid he will be sad. I don't want him to be sad. His life is easy, and I want to do as much as possible to keep it that way. He is the one that smiles; he doesn't seem broken like my friends and I.
Justyna has had a messed up life as well. Men are pricks, and we learned that the hard way. No amount of weed, smoking, drinking or even heroin can change that. Same can be said about Betsy, she seems sad because she cannot find someone who actually treats her decently and who will be there for her. And Kirill... well that dumbass is still hung up on a bitch that broke his heart two years ago. Yeah.
I don't know what else to include. I wish I could wipe out an entire year worth of memories. Maybe if I asked Carlos out my freshman year, we would have been together. And maybe all that shit wouldn't have happened. Just maybe. Ugh. Whatever.
I guess I'm done. KTNXBAI.
We started discussing Charlie in Russian, which was a tad rude because he was right by us. It wasn't anything bad, though. She asked me if I love him. I answered that of course, we have been together for a year. And she asked me if it was serious. That I did not know how to answer. I love him, and I do want to be with him. I know he loves me too, but I don't think he would be able to stick it out in the long run. Personally, I am amazed at how different he is from other men, but I know that it will be damn hard for him when he is at U of I surrounded by people of much highe caliber than myself, and not being able to see each other will make him... not forget about me, but distance himself from me. He'll start talking to other girls, and one thing leads to the next, and I'm alone. God, I am not religious in any meaning of the word, but I will pray every single day if it means he gets to come home to me. And be mine.
From his point of view, it must be egh being with me. I was horrible for the past month-ish, this happy week of hell drove me insane. I cried for no reason, and I yelled at him for the smallest stuff. We joke around about it, but he must have been miserable. I am really really sorry. And that in consideration, thinking long term, he won't be able to take it (shit I know I won't) if something like this ever happened again. This is my OCD, I desperately try to improve myself, thinking that that would make him happy. And then I see women who look better, or who are smarter, or who are just better than me in every single way, and I want to break down. He should be with them, not with me. I can't keep him away from them; there is nothing I could ever do to make him not want to look at other women. Gah.
Today Carlos made fun of the uber rich people, "OMG my parents got me a black corvette when I wanted a red one, I want to die." I told him that last year I really did want to die. He said "oh yeah?" jokingly. Yeah. I did. I walked in the middle of Palatine road over the little hill thing so no one will see me coming. A really fast car went by, and I felt myself get closer to it as it went by. I ended up in the middle of the road, by some traffic sign thing, crying and so confused. I was just tired of everyone treating me like a failure, of Brian beating the hell out of me, of my own best friend Evelyn not talking to me for over half a year when then I could have used her the most. I was tired of not meeting anyone's standards, and even worse, failing my own.
Another time, my mom got drunk and took out the three guns we had in the house. She was playing around, joking about going to shoot them in the backyard, and was really moody. When she passed out, I hid those guns in random places in my room. I had the magnum right by my pillow, though. For some reason I got it out of the bag loaded (who the fuck would keep a loaded gun in a house with a little kid!?). I put it to my head, and I wanted to shoot it more than anything in the world. But I failed at that too. Not only do I fail at living, I fail at trying to kill myself, too. I thought of myself as a pest, someone who does more damage than good.
I'm crying. What if I was dead? What if I did have enough strength in myself to pull the fucking trigger? I would have died quickly, it wasn't the pain that I was worried about. Pain I knew a lot about. Go to school stoned, fail at every class, get my ass literally kicked out of a moving car by Brian and his friends, and go home to listen to a lecture from my mother about how I am a failure. Yeah mommy, I am. And the next day was the same, although instead of getting kicked out of a car, I got my ribs shattered at Lake Arlington with white plastic pipes while I am running in the middle of the night. X-Rays are expensive as all hell. Yeah pain was fun. People often ask me, "why the hell did you fail classes last year?!" I wonder what they would have done if they were in my place.
But if I did pull it, I would have never been with Charlie. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And I would rather go through what last year was like for the rest of my life than lose him.
I like Kisa because she comforts me when I cry. She cuddles up to me, and starts purring, and I can't help but smile. There will be many nights that I will spend crying once Carlos moves away, but at least I will have my Kisa. And as always, I will put on a happy face for him because God forbid he will be sad. I don't want him to be sad. His life is easy, and I want to do as much as possible to keep it that way. He is the one that smiles; he doesn't seem broken like my friends and I.
Justyna has had a messed up life as well. Men are pricks, and we learned that the hard way. No amount of weed, smoking, drinking or even heroin can change that. Same can be said about Betsy, she seems sad because she cannot find someone who actually treats her decently and who will be there for her. And Kirill... well that dumbass is still hung up on a bitch that broke his heart two years ago. Yeah.
I don't know what else to include. I wish I could wipe out an entire year worth of memories. Maybe if I asked Carlos out my freshman year, we would have been together. And maybe all that shit wouldn't have happened. Just maybe. Ugh. Whatever.
I guess I'm done. KTNXBAI.
EMAIL I WROTE TO KIRILL
It's funny because when I read your email, I was in the parking lot of Wheeling High School trying to read while Carlos was sleeping.
It was a... complicated night. We (Carlos, his friends and I) went to see one of his other friends' fights (he's a fighter), and it had ring girls and everything. Holly shit I wished I looked like that. Carlos turned away every time one went on the ring, idk if either because of respect to me or because if he didn't I would rip his face off, but either way I appreciate it. I am just so insecure about myself, I came in short shorts and here are women three of who could fit into one of my thighs hah.
No but yeah, the HILARIOUS part was when I was bored for like half an hour before the fight began. We were sitting there, Carlos talking to his friends, and me listening to music. One of his friends was bitching about how he's lonely, and I decided to have some fun.
I went to the first level (we were sitting in the bleachers), and I was talking to a hot ring girl. She's black, and HOLLY SHIT I loved her ass. I'm taking this moment to remind you that I am still straight. Lol you know how I have a way with women? I convinced her (after some shameless flirting) to go up to where we were sitting and give Charlie's friend a hug. He was so embarassed but that made it even funnier. When she and I were walking up the bleachers, Carlos had the biggest WHAT THE FUCK face, and that made my day. I think he thinks I'm a lesbian now XD. I gotta tell this all to Justyna hah.
No but yeah. We didn't stay for Relay. My head hurt and he was sleepy, so he just dropped me off. Big day tomorrow, though. He got me a necklace (hilarious story behind that as well, holly shit I have so much to tell you when we talk hah) with a kitty on it (he knows I LOVE my Kisa). I thought it was very thoughtful because it would be nice to have something that reminds me of him on me. Especially when he goes to U of I. But I don't want to cry, so I'll move on to an another subject.
Man, feels just like yesterday that I would run to you at lit and tell you everything that happened. I remember freaking out because there seemed no way that such an amazing guy like him could ever be with me. And I find it funny how he is self-conscious and he thinks he doesn't look good. I find him very attractive and... sexy. But maybe I'm biased hah. It almost seems like he thinks that if he doesn't go to the gym, that I won't love him anymore. Can't believe he would think I'm so superficial. Sigh. You men.
It's Saturday night (technically Sunday morning), and I am in my bed, in awe that today is mine and his anniversary. Doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem like I show him exactly how much he means to me. I still wholeheartedly believe that he deserves better. But that's me.
And yes, I agree, when he holds me, I want to feel protected. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but I feel safe in his arms. And even though I know there is practically no man whose ass I can't kick, I am still afraid... Every time I see Brian I just want to run away and cry. But then Charlie holds me close, and that feeling is gone; like I don't even know what it felt like from the start. I was crying once because Brian hit me on a Wednesday before Charlie picked me up, and Carlos just held me. And I felt OK. And when I had to give Commander his bike (I borrowed his bike for a week), Carlos went with me (it was on a Wednesday), and I wasn't scared of Brian when my Charlie was there.
Even though Carlos can't do anything (Brian is still a minor and Carlos can get his ass landed in jail), I would pay big bucks to see Charlie knock his ass out. So the little bitch can know what it's like to be picked on by someone bigger. Agh I would kill to see Charlie kick his ass. Maybe I'm just primed (psychology term) from the fight I saw today (it was fucking EPIC), but oh man. Sigh. That will never happen though, Charlie isn't violent, and he could get into a lot of trouble, which I don't want. But hey, I can still dream, right? Hah.
I feel bad for Justyna. I don't know exactly what she's going through, but I understand it. She loves Kriss, no doubt about that, but it is very frustrating not being able to be close to someone you love. That makes me afraid of what would happen when Charlie is at U of I. God, I already know that I will blow shit out of proportion because it seems like the kind of thing I would do. I would freak out, and he would feel like crap, when it's not even his fault. I guess a tiny part of me hoped that he wouldn't get accepted (I know THATS HORRIBLE, but I can't help it). But I'm going to put on that fake smile and... smile.
Things would be much easier for the two of us if you were just my brother hah. That way, I can talk to you without feeling guilty, and you and Charlie won't hate each other. That hurts me. My best friend and my boyfriend dislike each other, and that makes me choose. I chose, and that led to us not talking for a long time. I'm sorry, but it had to be done. In all honesty, if Charlie had asked me to stop talking to you now, I would. Because I think of how I would feel if I were in his place, and because I am rage + irritation, if I were him, I would have killed you. Not to that extreme, but still. I just want you to understand, I love him. And I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. And although I love you too, that is different because you are my best friend. I would do anything to make you happy unless it messes with what Charlie and I have. I have told you this before, and maybe I will eventually say it again, but I am stressing the fact that there are boundaries. And God damn, I wish the two of you would stop being petty and at least TRY to get along. Ugh men.
I hate how this society views marriage. When we were in the car, Carlos and his friends would freaking groan when it was mentioned, I don't even remember how. That makes me sad. I want to get married. You're Russian, you get it. To Americans, they treat it as if the man is freaking dying. Yeah you lose some freedom, but you gain so much more. And if you love the person, it should be beyond worth it.
Carlos hates rings. He asked me if men have to wear wedding rings as well, and when I told him yes, he had a disgusted look on his face. I feel like I am being blunt, but grow the hell up. I think that he still doesn't get it. Sigh. Whatever. Marriage is what I want in the long run, so if he doesn't like that, I guess I have to find myself a girlfriend. Since I'm so great with the ladies. Gay sex freaks me out, though. Nvm, we already discussed this.
Well, I'm tired. I wish I knew what the future was like. If the things I am doing are worth it. Ugh, idk. Peace out homeskillet.
EMAIL HE WROTE BACK (parts)
-"I'm happy that you had a good time and even got some sexy black chick to hug one of his friends. Haha. I know I would feel special if that happened to me lmao.
Yea...I remember way back when...You were telling me about this awesome guy and how you hope to be with him, but you were like "Nah it'll never happen, a guy like that has a million girls around him, he will never choose me". Well, I think it was more of you choosing him than him choosing you. Mhm. But yes, I clearly remember that moment."
My thinking; yeah, I remember talking to Kirill the day after I started talking to Carlos again. And talking to him after Charlie and I went out for coffee. I told this man so much, and he knows every single thing that I have thought about Charlie. Stuff that even Charlie doesn't know. Kirill's position (having to listen to me endlessly blah it out about Charlie) must be painful, but he is a good friend. I appreciate that.
-"I personally think that the worst feeling is being close but not loving. Like say Bri and I. We were close, kinda hugged and held hands once, but there was no love. And it was cruel pain...for me at least...I don't think that it was that for her. An even stronger pain is being close to someone but not being able to love. That also hurts."
My thinking; I want to smack him when he writes stuff like that. Pisses me the hell off. But I'm PMSing, so I will be nice and smile. SMACK HIM.
-"BTW. " I still wholeheartedly believe that he deserves better. But that's me." Pardon my French, but that's Bullshit. There isn't any better. I'll leave it at that."
My thinking; this made me smile. Maybe I don't completely hate myself. Just a little. Compliments are nice.
-" " (I know THATS HORRIBLE, but I can't help it)" Oh that's not horrible....just like that Scrubs episode where Carla wanted to throw the baby out the window. It's perfectly alright...just don't let yourself realize these kinds of thoughts. Don't throw the baby lol
My thinking; throwing babies out the window... Classic. I love Scrubs.
The thing that made me a little sad is how he was upset that I would leave my friends for Charlie. He had some good points. And since neither one of them reads the blog, I will say this.
I don't care.
I don't care because these past couple of days made me realize exactly how much Charlie means to me and how much I love him. I don't care who I would have to lose in order to be with him. If something bothers him, damn straight I am going to stop it. I don't care for anything that doesn't involve him because if I didn't have him, nothing else would matter to me anymore.
1) I can't tell that to Charlie because he will think the above passage is incredibly lame.
2) I can't tell that to Kirill because it will hurt him. And I don't like to do that.
But yeah. I guess this post is done.
It's funny because when I read your email, I was in the parking lot of Wheeling High School trying to read while Carlos was sleeping.
It was a... complicated night. We (Carlos, his friends and I) went to see one of his other friends' fights (he's a fighter), and it had ring girls and everything. Holly shit I wished I looked like that. Carlos turned away every time one went on the ring, idk if either because of respect to me or because if he didn't I would rip his face off, but either way I appreciate it. I am just so insecure about myself, I came in short shorts and here are women three of who could fit into one of my thighs hah.
No but yeah, the HILARIOUS part was when I was bored for like half an hour before the fight began. We were sitting there, Carlos talking to his friends, and me listening to music. One of his friends was bitching about how he's lonely, and I decided to have some fun.
I went to the first level (we were sitting in the bleachers), and I was talking to a hot ring girl. She's black, and HOLLY SHIT I loved her ass. I'm taking this moment to remind you that I am still straight. Lol you know how I have a way with women? I convinced her (after some shameless flirting) to go up to where we were sitting and give Charlie's friend a hug. He was so embarassed but that made it even funnier. When she and I were walking up the bleachers, Carlos had the biggest WHAT THE FUCK face, and that made my day. I think he thinks I'm a lesbian now XD. I gotta tell this all to Justyna hah.
No but yeah. We didn't stay for Relay. My head hurt and he was sleepy, so he just dropped me off. Big day tomorrow, though. He got me a necklace (hilarious story behind that as well, holly shit I have so much to tell you when we talk hah) with a kitty on it (he knows I LOVE my Kisa). I thought it was very thoughtful because it would be nice to have something that reminds me of him on me. Especially when he goes to U of I. But I don't want to cry, so I'll move on to an another subject.
Man, feels just like yesterday that I would run to you at lit and tell you everything that happened. I remember freaking out because there seemed no way that such an amazing guy like him could ever be with me. And I find it funny how he is self-conscious and he thinks he doesn't look good. I find him very attractive and... sexy. But maybe I'm biased hah. It almost seems like he thinks that if he doesn't go to the gym, that I won't love him anymore. Can't believe he would think I'm so superficial. Sigh. You men.
It's Saturday night (technically Sunday morning), and I am in my bed, in awe that today is mine and his anniversary. Doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem like I show him exactly how much he means to me. I still wholeheartedly believe that he deserves better. But that's me.
And yes, I agree, when he holds me, I want to feel protected. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but I feel safe in his arms. And even though I know there is practically no man whose ass I can't kick, I am still afraid... Every time I see Brian I just want to run away and cry. But then Charlie holds me close, and that feeling is gone; like I don't even know what it felt like from the start. I was crying once because Brian hit me on a Wednesday before Charlie picked me up, and Carlos just held me. And I felt OK. And when I had to give Commander his bike (I borrowed his bike for a week), Carlos went with me (it was on a Wednesday), and I wasn't scared of Brian when my Charlie was there.
Even though Carlos can't do anything (Brian is still a minor and Carlos can get his ass landed in jail), I would pay big bucks to see Charlie knock his ass out. So the little bitch can know what it's like to be picked on by someone bigger. Agh I would kill to see Charlie kick his ass. Maybe I'm just primed (psychology term) from the fight I saw today (it was fucking EPIC), but oh man. Sigh. That will never happen though, Charlie isn't violent, and he could get into a lot of trouble, which I don't want. But hey, I can still dream, right? Hah.
I feel bad for Justyna. I don't know exactly what she's going through, but I understand it. She loves Kriss, no doubt about that, but it is very frustrating not being able to be close to someone you love. That makes me afraid of what would happen when Charlie is at U of I. God, I already know that I will blow shit out of proportion because it seems like the kind of thing I would do. I would freak out, and he would feel like crap, when it's not even his fault. I guess a tiny part of me hoped that he wouldn't get accepted (I know THATS HORRIBLE, but I can't help it). But I'm going to put on that fake smile and... smile.
Things would be much easier for the two of us if you were just my brother hah. That way, I can talk to you without feeling guilty, and you and Charlie won't hate each other. That hurts me. My best friend and my boyfriend dislike each other, and that makes me choose. I chose, and that led to us not talking for a long time. I'm sorry, but it had to be done. In all honesty, if Charlie had asked me to stop talking to you now, I would. Because I think of how I would feel if I were in his place, and because I am rage + irritation, if I were him, I would have killed you. Not to that extreme, but still. I just want you to understand, I love him. And I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. And although I love you too, that is different because you are my best friend. I would do anything to make you happy unless it messes with what Charlie and I have. I have told you this before, and maybe I will eventually say it again, but I am stressing the fact that there are boundaries. And God damn, I wish the two of you would stop being petty and at least TRY to get along. Ugh men.
I hate how this society views marriage. When we were in the car, Carlos and his friends would freaking groan when it was mentioned, I don't even remember how. That makes me sad. I want to get married. You're Russian, you get it. To Americans, they treat it as if the man is freaking dying. Yeah you lose some freedom, but you gain so much more. And if you love the person, it should be beyond worth it.
Carlos hates rings. He asked me if men have to wear wedding rings as well, and when I told him yes, he had a disgusted look on his face. I feel like I am being blunt, but grow the hell up. I think that he still doesn't get it. Sigh. Whatever. Marriage is what I want in the long run, so if he doesn't like that, I guess I have to find myself a girlfriend. Since I'm so great with the ladies. Gay sex freaks me out, though. Nvm, we already discussed this.
Well, I'm tired. I wish I knew what the future was like. If the things I am doing are worth it. Ugh, idk. Peace out homeskillet.
EMAIL HE WROTE BACK (parts)
-"I'm happy that you had a good time and even got some sexy black chick to hug one of his friends. Haha. I know I would feel special if that happened to me lmao.
Yea...I remember way back when...You were telling me about this awesome guy and how you hope to be with him, but you were like "Nah it'll never happen, a guy like that has a million girls around him, he will never choose me". Well, I think it was more of you choosing him than him choosing you. Mhm. But yes, I clearly remember that moment."
My thinking; yeah, I remember talking to Kirill the day after I started talking to Carlos again. And talking to him after Charlie and I went out for coffee. I told this man so much, and he knows every single thing that I have thought about Charlie. Stuff that even Charlie doesn't know. Kirill's position (having to listen to me endlessly blah it out about Charlie) must be painful, but he is a good friend. I appreciate that.
-"I personally think that the worst feeling is being close but not loving. Like say Bri and I. We were close, kinda hugged and held hands once, but there was no love. And it was cruel pain...for me at least...I don't think that it was that for her. An even stronger pain is being close to someone but not being able to love. That also hurts."
My thinking; I want to smack him when he writes stuff like that. Pisses me the hell off. But I'm PMSing, so I will be nice and smile. SMACK HIM.
-"BTW. " I still wholeheartedly believe that he deserves better. But that's me." Pardon my French, but that's Bullshit. There isn't any better. I'll leave it at that."
My thinking; this made me smile. Maybe I don't completely hate myself. Just a little. Compliments are nice.
-" " (I know THATS HORRIBLE, but I can't help it)" Oh that's not horrible....just like that Scrubs episode where Carla wanted to throw the baby out the window. It's perfectly alright...just don't let yourself realize these kinds of thoughts. Don't throw the baby lol
My thinking; throwing babies out the window... Classic. I love Scrubs.
The thing that made me a little sad is how he was upset that I would leave my friends for Charlie. He had some good points. And since neither one of them reads the blog, I will say this.
I don't care.
I don't care because these past couple of days made me realize exactly how much Charlie means to me and how much I love him. I don't care who I would have to lose in order to be with him. If something bothers him, damn straight I am going to stop it. I don't care for anything that doesn't involve him because if I didn't have him, nothing else would matter to me anymore.
1) I can't tell that to Charlie because he will think the above passage is incredibly lame.
2) I can't tell that to Kirill because it will hurt him. And I don't like to do that.
But yeah. I guess this post is done.
Happies
So yeah I went from barely ever writing to writing three posts in one day hah.
I thought about it for a little today. Maybe I shouldn't graduate early. If I don't, I wouldn't miss out on scholarships, and I would get to take AP classes. And no waste of money that comes from summer school.
I might even be able to go to Harper for free because my ACT was 31 (hoping to get it higher on my ACT next week because on the one I took last time, the science portion was pure hell). And although I admit I haven't been working really hard, I know I can change that. And I am already working on it. Funny how things change when you are happy hah.
I know I will have bad days in the future, especially when he is far away. But I'm doing this bizarre and alien thing (at least to me) called "looking at the bright side." It's actually nice.
Man, I was freaking out about EVERYTHING. Now I feel OK with him going to U of I. I admit it's a great school and I won't have a problem with anything he does (unless he is partying because if I am not, I expect him to do the same). He is brilliant, and I know he will do well with Astronomy hah. Hopefully one day I can join him in U of I, and do Physics or Engineering.
I was freaking out about EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF (hah) but for some strange reason, Charlie likes me the way I am. And although I still don't like the way I look, the fact that he loves me greatly comforts me.
I have to admit, I didn't have such a great start in Physics, but I actually do the work now ad HOLLY SHIT it is fun as all hell. I really enjoy it, and I can't wait until AP Physics next year.
Nice to feel happy again. Hopefully I won't mess it up with my neuroticism any time in the near future hah.
:)
I thought about it for a little today. Maybe I shouldn't graduate early. If I don't, I wouldn't miss out on scholarships, and I would get to take AP classes. And no waste of money that comes from summer school.
I might even be able to go to Harper for free because my ACT was 31 (hoping to get it higher on my ACT next week because on the one I took last time, the science portion was pure hell). And although I admit I haven't been working really hard, I know I can change that. And I am already working on it. Funny how things change when you are happy hah.
I know I will have bad days in the future, especially when he is far away. But I'm doing this bizarre and alien thing (at least to me) called "looking at the bright side." It's actually nice.
Man, I was freaking out about EVERYTHING. Now I feel OK with him going to U of I. I admit it's a great school and I won't have a problem with anything he does (unless he is partying because if I am not, I expect him to do the same). He is brilliant, and I know he will do well with Astronomy hah. Hopefully one day I can join him in U of I, and do Physics or Engineering.
I was freaking out about EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF (hah) but for some strange reason, Charlie likes me the way I am. And although I still don't like the way I look, the fact that he loves me greatly comforts me.
I have to admit, I didn't have such a great start in Physics, but I actually do the work now ad HOLLY SHIT it is fun as all hell. I really enjoy it, and I can't wait until AP Physics next year.
Nice to feel happy again. Hopefully I won't mess it up with my neuroticism any time in the near future hah.
:)
Nice people don't punch other people in the face. (lol)
I am a nice person. But HOLLY SHIT I get jealous. We were in the hair salon, and while he was getting the hair cut, I was dangerously coming close to coming up to the woman (who was coming dangerously close to flirting with him EVEN WITH ME THERE) and just ever-so-politely stabbing her in the face. I'm not worried about him, he was very sweet, and even brought me up a couple of times, but HOLLY SHIT SHE PISSES ME OFF. No way am I going to get my hair cut there, ever.Adrenaline is fun; I'm not cold, but I feel like I am shivering.
Haha he said it was his birthday, and she asked if he got anything special. He said he got a Physics problem that was pretty special. I love him because he jokes about Physics XD.
I'm going to give that woman a Columbian necktie. I'm in control and happy hah. But if she runs her hands through his hair one more time, she might be missing an entire arm pretty soon.
But enough with the jealosy hah. He handled the situation well. That makes me happy. The fact that he did well with that whore's boobs right next to him makes me a lot less nervous about him going to U of I. That's good. I like believing he can handle being around other women. Yays :)
Yeah I need a haircut. U had highlights, and my highlights are at my shoulder height (very long hair hah). I want to get highlights again, and maybe cut it a little shorter. But enough of woman talk :). Maybe go tan in the backyard hah, I'm very pale (ew). Oh, who cares.
Oh he's almost done! Uh oh I hear whirring. There go the sideburns :(.
Haha he said it was his birthday, and she asked if he got anything special. He said he got a Physics problem that was pretty special. I love him because he jokes about Physics XD.
I'm going to give that woman a Columbian necktie. I'm in control and happy hah. But if she runs her hands through his hair one more time, she might be missing an entire arm pretty soon.
But enough with the jealosy hah. He handled the situation well. That makes me happy. The fact that he did well with that whore's boobs right next to him makes me a lot less nervous about him going to U of I. That's good. I like believing he can handle being around other women. Yays :)
Yeah I need a haircut. U had highlights, and my highlights are at my shoulder height (very long hair hah). I want to get highlights again, and maybe cut it a little shorter. But enough of woman talk :). Maybe go tan in the backyard hah, I'm very pale (ew). Oh, who cares.
Oh he's almost done! Uh oh I hear whirring. There go the sideburns :(.
Waiting...
Yeah so I kind of miscalculated the amount of time it will take me to get cake and yum Yuma for Carlos, and I am stuck in a room by his garage for another, oh, 50 minutes until he comes home hah. The shrimp from Panda would definitely have gotten cold by then, but whatever.
Gayfish has been pissing me off lately. He acts like he is the smartest man on earth, and GOD FORBID I have to do a lab with him; Kirby and him are always like, "MY WAY IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG." Oh yeah? Well, if your male brain has skipped the part of what I'm actually doing, WE ARE DOING THE SAME THING. And he ALWAYS judges Justy and I. That pisses me off. He is no one to compare his life to mine, or hers, and to tell us how to live it right.
I'm living my life right. At least now. I'm not being obsessive like I was before (I really hope that was PMS speaking, and not me hah), and I smile a lot more. I actually get homework done and read Physics for funsies. I like Physics. It makes sense. Hate (HATE!) history. Lit is alright since I admit I am a grammar Nazi IRL. God forbid someone says "me and my friend" or "I'm doing good" as opposed to I'm doing well. But moving on.
God, Charlie is 20 today. Although that makes me freak out a little as far as him still wanting to be with me is concerned, it BLOWS MY MIND because I still feel like I am 10 hah. I still make stupid (the lamest you can think of) jokes. Especially about science hah. I get excited about the smallest stuff, especially if it's something adorable in WoW. And yet, sometimes I feel like I am older than most people.
I learned that I shouldn't be upset for no reason. The person you love can be gone anytime, and you would regret it. That's why I feel like shit right now; my mom and I are currently not on speaking terms.
I learned to keep my expectations low. Harder to get hurt and disappointed that way.
I learned that I'm not that great. Ego is in check now.
Charlie helped me learn that not all men are stupid, inconsiderate assholes. I truly used to believe that. And that sucked.
Ugh, idk.
I know when you are young, you cannot wait until you get out of the house, and until you are independent. Then, you look back with 20-20 hindsight, and you want to go back to the time when everything was given to you. In college, you are completely on your own. Even food and clothing you have to buy yourself. And oh man, if you work, then you have to deal with TAXES. Haha ownage. That sucks.
An hour ago, I was walking to Charlie's house, eager to tell him happy bday and I love him, and now I am thinking about the future. I just hope there would be other birthdays, many more, that I can be a part of. All I want.
I gotta go pee...
I'll just go now hah.
Gayfish has been pissing me off lately. He acts like he is the smartest man on earth, and GOD FORBID I have to do a lab with him; Kirby and him are always like, "MY WAY IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG." Oh yeah? Well, if your male brain has skipped the part of what I'm actually doing, WE ARE DOING THE SAME THING. And he ALWAYS judges Justy and I. That pisses me off. He is no one to compare his life to mine, or hers, and to tell us how to live it right.
I'm living my life right. At least now. I'm not being obsessive like I was before (I really hope that was PMS speaking, and not me hah), and I smile a lot more. I actually get homework done and read Physics for funsies. I like Physics. It makes sense. Hate (HATE!) history. Lit is alright since I admit I am a grammar Nazi IRL. God forbid someone says "me and my friend" or "I'm doing good" as opposed to I'm doing well. But moving on.
God, Charlie is 20 today. Although that makes me freak out a little as far as him still wanting to be with me is concerned, it BLOWS MY MIND because I still feel like I am 10 hah. I still make stupid (the lamest you can think of) jokes. Especially about science hah. I get excited about the smallest stuff, especially if it's something adorable in WoW. And yet, sometimes I feel like I am older than most people.
I learned that I shouldn't be upset for no reason. The person you love can be gone anytime, and you would regret it. That's why I feel like shit right now; my mom and I are currently not on speaking terms.
I learned to keep my expectations low. Harder to get hurt and disappointed that way.
I learned that I'm not that great. Ego is in check now.
Charlie helped me learn that not all men are stupid, inconsiderate assholes. I truly used to believe that. And that sucked.
Ugh, idk.
I know when you are young, you cannot wait until you get out of the house, and until you are independent. Then, you look back with 20-20 hindsight, and you want to go back to the time when everything was given to you. In college, you are completely on your own. Even food and clothing you have to buy yourself. And oh man, if you work, then you have to deal with TAXES. Haha ownage. That sucks.
An hour ago, I was walking to Charlie's house, eager to tell him happy bday and I love him, and now I am thinking about the future. I just hope there would be other birthdays, many more, that I can be a part of. All I want.
I gotta go pee...
I'll just go now hah.
Sad hace
I never told this to Charlie. All he knows is one of my friends died. I might have told this to Justy at one point or another, but I pretty much tell her everything, so I'm not sure. And if you want to be an ass, and not believe me, look it up. Should be online somewhere.
This fucked with my mind.
Last year, I ditched an entire day. I went to Hersey (high school), and with a bunch of people I didn't even know (which was somewhat terrifying), I went to some church.
One of my friends died last year. Her name was Monica. Shit, to this very day I cannot pronounce her last name because it was Polish hah. We weren't extremely close, but I went there not only to say goodbye, but to make sure her boyfriend was alright.
She was a Hersey student. So was he.
One night they went to a party, something went wrong, blahse blahse, she and her BF left early. While he was walking her home, she got ran over by a drunk driver.
The thing that fucked with my mind, and the reason I had to be there for him, he saw her die. The person he loved most in the world. She died right in front of him, telling him she loves him, and telling him to tell her mom she was sorry.
I cannot imagine what it must be like to be him. Unfortunately, I saw him while her mom was speaking in front of the church (mostly in Polish, but I could catch on some stuff). I saw him, and he looked empty. A normally gorgeous and smiling guy was sitting in the rows to the right of the casket, holding his head between his hands, and he started crying. His eyes were sunken, and he looked like he just took a serious beating.
It's still hard to believe that the man saw his girlfriend die in front of him, and came out in one piece. I would have jumped under the next passing car.
This is an old post. I wrote it after Charlie and I watched Children of Men, and the guy saw his wife get shot. I came home that night, and I cried. The movie got it wrong. The man isn't supposed to freaking function afterwards. He sat down by a tree, cried, and left. And that is not how it works.
I've thought about death a lot. I'm not afraid to die. I can guarantee you, there were times when I wanted to die, but I was smart enough to look towards the future.
I wouldn't let anything happen to Charlie. If not for his sake, then for mine. I can't stand the thought of not being with him, but the thought of having him permanently removed? Nope, I'd be right behind him. I am willing to die (I have thought of the consequences of that statement). Without him, life is... dark. And disappointing. And just plain not worth it.
Rest of post deleted.
This fucked with my mind.
Last year, I ditched an entire day. I went to Hersey (high school), and with a bunch of people I didn't even know (which was somewhat terrifying), I went to some church.
One of my friends died last year. Her name was Monica. Shit, to this very day I cannot pronounce her last name because it was Polish hah. We weren't extremely close, but I went there not only to say goodbye, but to make sure her boyfriend was alright.
She was a Hersey student. So was he.
One night they went to a party, something went wrong, blahse blahse, she and her BF left early. While he was walking her home, she got ran over by a drunk driver.
The thing that fucked with my mind, and the reason I had to be there for him, he saw her die. The person he loved most in the world. She died right in front of him, telling him she loves him, and telling him to tell her mom she was sorry.
I cannot imagine what it must be like to be him. Unfortunately, I saw him while her mom was speaking in front of the church (mostly in Polish, but I could catch on some stuff). I saw him, and he looked empty. A normally gorgeous and smiling guy was sitting in the rows to the right of the casket, holding his head between his hands, and he started crying. His eyes were sunken, and he looked like he just took a serious beating.
It's still hard to believe that the man saw his girlfriend die in front of him, and came out in one piece. I would have jumped under the next passing car.
This is an old post. I wrote it after Charlie and I watched Children of Men, and the guy saw his wife get shot. I came home that night, and I cried. The movie got it wrong. The man isn't supposed to freaking function afterwards. He sat down by a tree, cried, and left. And that is not how it works.
I've thought about death a lot. I'm not afraid to die. I can guarantee you, there were times when I wanted to die, but I was smart enough to look towards the future.
I wouldn't let anything happen to Charlie. If not for his sake, then for mine. I can't stand the thought of not being with him, but the thought of having him permanently removed? Nope, I'd be right behind him. I am willing to die (I have thought of the consequences of that statement). Without him, life is... dark. And disappointing. And just plain not worth it.
Rest of post deleted.
Do'h
I hate reading stupid freaking Twilight. No one should be allowed to be that happy. And yeah Carlos will mock me because I will only say once that Edward isn't a complete and total prick, and that I am amazed at what a bitch Bella is.
I mean, it drives me insane that in New Moon he literally asks her to marry him, and she's like "hah where's the punchline?". Is she stupid? Isn't it obvious that he feels like shit for leaving her and that he would do anything to make her finally believe that he loves her?
It sucks. Idk, there is just a lot of stuff you can relate to real life (other than the fact that there are no sparkly vampires walking around... Thank god. *ooohhhh shiny!*
My point is, sometimes it feels like I am the only person trying. Like it doesn't even matter to him. Like "oh, yeah I have a girlfriend" and that's it. And it makes me feel like shit because I used to try so hard to let him know exactly how I feel about him, and I know I have said this a thousand times, but all I get back is "you shtink."
And I know this sounds stupid, but I want to hear him say that he wants to be with me. That he doesn't want anyone else. That... I don't even know. I told him so much, and I try to prove to him that I love him, but we are in an endless cycle of eat-watch tv-play WoW-go home. And I know that men around the world will cringe at just the thought of this, but I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FREAKING FEELINGS. Because if I don't, I become obsessive and emo, and we all know where that leads.
It just pissed me off so much because I could relate to how Edward felt. I tell the man, in one of the ENORMOUS letters I used to write before (before I realized he thinks they are cheezy and stupid), that he means more to me than anything else on earth. That I cannot imagine being close to an another man because I know he will get uncomfortable and jealous. That there is no person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and that I don't care what it takes, but I will try to let him know exactly how much he means to me.
I gave up my best friend, the man who sincerely and genuinely cared about me, the man on whose shoulder I cried on when stupid shit would get me down, and the man who always told me to cheer up and be happy because I had Charlie. HE LIKED CARLOS. He approved of him, even though I know it hurt him. And because of a stupid post he wrote, everything got blown out of proportion. I gave up my best friend because Charlie got jealous, and I care about what he thinks. I care about him, and I don't care how many more friends I have to give up (sorry guys). I'm sorry to my friends, but I don't care how many people I have to go through in order to be with him and to be his, because the truth is, it doesn't matter how many friends I have because if I don't have him...
... I know how to finish that sentence, but Justy would yell at me, so I'll just leave the space blank.
I hate the fact that he doesn't have a blog. That I don't know what's going through his head. I wish I just knew what he even thinks of me. But then again, he would rather jump of a building strapped to a bomb on a rocket that is making him plummet towards the earth than actually write down what he thinks.
I hate going to bed without Kisa. It fucks with my head. I always feel alone. I'm used to it. You were born alone, and you will die alone. No one will go with you into death, whether it leads you to becoming fertilizer or go onto clouds and play the freaking harp (personally, I would like to be a tree).
PS. This is also an old post, I wait until I have several, and then just put them up. I know I am wrong. I know he loves me, and he shows it in his own way. My only issue is that he never says anything. Now I'm left hoping one day he will tell me something like what I have told him. And if not, and getting me a companion pet in WoW is showing me that he loves me, that's fine as well hah. I especially love my mechanical squirrel XD.
I mean, it drives me insane that in New Moon he literally asks her to marry him, and she's like "hah where's the punchline?". Is she stupid? Isn't it obvious that he feels like shit for leaving her and that he would do anything to make her finally believe that he loves her?
It sucks. Idk, there is just a lot of stuff you can relate to real life (other than the fact that there are no sparkly vampires walking around... Thank god. *ooohhhh shiny!*
My point is, sometimes it feels like I am the only person trying. Like it doesn't even matter to him. Like "oh, yeah I have a girlfriend" and that's it. And it makes me feel like shit because I used to try so hard to let him know exactly how I feel about him, and I know I have said this a thousand times, but all I get back is "you shtink."
And I know this sounds stupid, but I want to hear him say that he wants to be with me. That he doesn't want anyone else. That... I don't even know. I told him so much, and I try to prove to him that I love him, but we are in an endless cycle of eat-watch tv-play WoW-go home. And I know that men around the world will cringe at just the thought of this, but I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FREAKING FEELINGS. Because if I don't, I become obsessive and emo, and we all know where that leads.
It just pissed me off so much because I could relate to how Edward felt. I tell the man, in one of the ENORMOUS letters I used to write before (before I realized he thinks they are cheezy and stupid), that he means more to me than anything else on earth. That I cannot imagine being close to an another man because I know he will get uncomfortable and jealous. That there is no person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and that I don't care what it takes, but I will try to let him know exactly how much he means to me.
I gave up my best friend, the man who sincerely and genuinely cared about me, the man on whose shoulder I cried on when stupid shit would get me down, and the man who always told me to cheer up and be happy because I had Charlie. HE LIKED CARLOS. He approved of him, even though I know it hurt him. And because of a stupid post he wrote, everything got blown out of proportion. I gave up my best friend because Charlie got jealous, and I care about what he thinks. I care about him, and I don't care how many more friends I have to give up (sorry guys). I'm sorry to my friends, but I don't care how many people I have to go through in order to be with him and to be his, because the truth is, it doesn't matter how many friends I have because if I don't have him...
... I know how to finish that sentence, but Justy would yell at me, so I'll just leave the space blank.
I hate the fact that he doesn't have a blog. That I don't know what's going through his head. I wish I just knew what he even thinks of me. But then again, he would rather jump of a building strapped to a bomb on a rocket that is making him plummet towards the earth than actually write down what he thinks.
I hate going to bed without Kisa. It fucks with my head. I always feel alone. I'm used to it. You were born alone, and you will die alone. No one will go with you into death, whether it leads you to becoming fertilizer or go onto clouds and play the freaking harp (personally, I would like to be a tree).
PS. This is also an old post, I wait until I have several, and then just put them up. I know I am wrong. I know he loves me, and he shows it in his own way. My only issue is that he never says anything. Now I'm left hoping one day he will tell me something like what I have told him. And if not, and getting me a companion pet in WoW is showing me that he loves me, that's fine as well hah. I especially love my mechanical squirrel XD.
April 10, 2010
Regarding pics of Charlie
Hope he forgot the URL to my blog hah. Not in his history.
I don't know what to say.
I have no reason to be angry or even jealous, he was not mine then, but it really hurts knowing that someone, anyone, held him in their arms before I came along. That really sucks.
I wish I even knew what to say to him. This post will be online long after I would have talked to him, but these are my thoughts beforehand.
I want to act angry. And jealous. Because I am. But I also know that is wrong. I am wrong now but here is my point;
1) I deleted pics of me and other guys (except one because my mom calls him Sexy Beast XD long story...), only because of my respect for Charlie. I think it's wrong having pictures of myself with other men since they have no claim on me. But Charlie has many pics of him and his chick friends. That bothers me... a lot. I barely have any pics of him and I, and he has more pictures of himself with other people than he does with me. He tells me that he doesn't like having pictures taken of himself, but it really doesn't look like it. Yeah.
2) How does he have no idea that that might be hurtful? That I would rather not see him with other women? Other women who look (unfortunately) much better than I do. It's not even annoying: it's like a freaking stab in the back. Further proof that I do not deserve him because there are many women much prettier (and probably smarter too) than I, and he should be with one of them.
It just sucks knowing that there were gorgeous women who used to hold him (shudder) before I came along. I really don't know why he settled for me.
Sigh.
That's why I'm dieting and working out. If he spends time at the gym, and if be runs, damn straight I will force myself to do that, as well. I will try my best for Charlie, because I want to feel confident enough in myself to not feel like breaking down every time I see the pic of him and the chick or his prom pictures.
Fuck, I don't even get to go to the prom. He thinks dances are stupid. Apparently they weren't for him his senior year, with so many pictures of him and the chick taken. And yet he doesn't want to do that for me.
Gee, thanks.
Gah, and shut the hell up about Abercrombie and Fitch. Great way of making me feel inferior.
1) I CANNOT AFFORD IT. Not everyone has brothers and parents willing to buy them anything.
2) I am not like your cousin, doing anything possible to get attention from men. I care about you, and I want the least attention to myself as possible, because I know it will piss you off if other men flirt with me. I don't care what I look like in school, I only try to look decent when I see you.
3) If you really think it's so great and attractive, why don't you date someone else? If it's so freaking important.
So to sum up.
1) I WANT TO GO TO PROM.
2) Say anything about A&F or Hollister again, I will shove your computer mouse down your throat.
3) I want to be self-confident and attractive enough to have no problem with the pictures. Unfortunately, I am neither. So do me a favor.
I'm done bitching. Peace.
Hope he forgot the URL to my blog hah. Not in his history.
I don't know what to say.
I have no reason to be angry or even jealous, he was not mine then, but it really hurts knowing that someone, anyone, held him in their arms before I came along. That really sucks.
I wish I even knew what to say to him. This post will be online long after I would have talked to him, but these are my thoughts beforehand.
I want to act angry. And jealous. Because I am. But I also know that is wrong. I am wrong now but here is my point;
1) I deleted pics of me and other guys (except one because my mom calls him Sexy Beast XD long story...), only because of my respect for Charlie. I think it's wrong having pictures of myself with other men since they have no claim on me. But Charlie has many pics of him and his chick friends. That bothers me... a lot. I barely have any pics of him and I, and he has more pictures of himself with other people than he does with me. He tells me that he doesn't like having pictures taken of himself, but it really doesn't look like it. Yeah.
2) How does he have no idea that that might be hurtful? That I would rather not see him with other women? Other women who look (unfortunately) much better than I do. It's not even annoying: it's like a freaking stab in the back. Further proof that I do not deserve him because there are many women much prettier (and probably smarter too) than I, and he should be with one of them.
It just sucks knowing that there were gorgeous women who used to hold him (shudder) before I came along. I really don't know why he settled for me.
Sigh.
That's why I'm dieting and working out. If he spends time at the gym, and if be runs, damn straight I will force myself to do that, as well. I will try my best for Charlie, because I want to feel confident enough in myself to not feel like breaking down every time I see the pic of him and the chick or his prom pictures.
Fuck, I don't even get to go to the prom. He thinks dances are stupid. Apparently they weren't for him his senior year, with so many pictures of him and the chick taken. And yet he doesn't want to do that for me.
Gee, thanks.
Gah, and shut the hell up about Abercrombie and Fitch. Great way of making me feel inferior.
1) I CANNOT AFFORD IT. Not everyone has brothers and parents willing to buy them anything.
2) I am not like your cousin, doing anything possible to get attention from men. I care about you, and I want the least attention to myself as possible, because I know it will piss you off if other men flirt with me. I don't care what I look like in school, I only try to look decent when I see you.
3) If you really think it's so great and attractive, why don't you date someone else? If it's so freaking important.
So to sum up.
1) I WANT TO GO TO PROM.
2) Say anything about A&F or Hollister again, I will shove your computer mouse down your throat.
3) I want to be self-confident and attractive enough to have no problem with the pictures. Unfortunately, I am neither. So do me a favor.
I'm done bitching. Peace.
Calmness :]
I finally felt decent enough to make myself laugh. I am a sucker for lame jokes, and I looked up a bunch about physics hah. Felt good.
I overreacted a couple of days ago, but it was not only my fault. Situation under control. Rant to Justy, and then feel better.
I feel good. I'll see Charlie tomorrow. Happy :)
Just writing to say that I deleted a bunch of my emo posts, and I will [try to] focus on the positive. Yay :)
I overreacted a couple of days ago, but it was not only my fault. Situation under control. Rant to Justy, and then feel better.
I feel good. I'll see Charlie tomorrow. Happy :)
Just writing to say that I deleted a bunch of my emo posts, and I will [try to] focus on the positive. Yay :)
XKCD
http://xkcd.com/ <3
http://xkcd.com/unixkcd/ (even better)
I KNOW WHAT I WANT! SCREW JINX, http://store.xkcd.com/ is where it is at!
http://xkcd.ru/674/
OMG I JUST FOUND OUT THERE IS XKCD IN RUSSIAN@!!!!!!!
http://xkcd.com/unixkcd/ (even better)
I KNOW WHAT I WANT! SCREW JINX, http://store.xkcd.com/ is where it is at!
http://xkcd.ru/674/
OMG I JUST FOUND OUT THERE IS XKCD IN RUSSIAN@!!!!!!!
Breathe.
On this blog website, you can press Next Blog and it takes you to a random blog someone wrote. A huge majority of them are about people (mostly women, although men did have some nice entries) about their families and kids.
I want to be happy enough one day to write about stuff like that, as well, as opposed to stuff that worries me and slowly drives me insane on the inside. I will calm down, and focus on the positive. Until reality brings me back to Earth.
I want to be happy enough one day to write about stuff like that, as well, as opposed to stuff that worries me and slowly drives me insane on the inside. I will calm down, and focus on the positive. Until reality brings me back to Earth.
It's quiet in here.
Yeah, not much to say. Called my mom from U of I, and now I am hanging out in some quiet room with leather chairs. WoW wouldn't work because of the limited WiFi, so I decided to write on here. Wouldn't call Carlos until later because he will chop me up to pieces if I woke him up XD.
I feel bad cuz I kinda just left my friends to wander aimlessly. This place depresses me, though. Walking by the Astronomy building, I couldn't help but think, "Charlie will be here next year, and holly shit this is far from home." And everything that I have planned for the next year is a huge mistake if it will not work out. I am risking scholarships and acceptance into colleges by graduating early, and I am screwing myself over financially because there is no way in hell that I would let my mom pay for my college.
I have a job interview on Sunday, though. Hopefully I can save enough money over the summer to even get a car that drives. I couldn't care less about how it looks, anything that will get me closer to Charlie is a godsend.
The thing that sucks is I ADMIT I can't have fun without him. No one can make me laugh like he can, and even though we rarely talk about anything that is remotely serious, I trust him. He is the only person that makes me feel safe. And that sucks.
So does that mean that I will be miserable while he is here? I don't know. As long as I get to see him EVENTUALLY, I will be content. And maybe not having him here as a distraction will help me academically (desperate attempt at looking on the bright side). And I really do have to get my shit together. I am doing well in my AP and Honors courses, but I HATE GENERAL CLASSES. Sitting in a class that is so ignorant that they won't even ATTEMPT to do the work, and having that one kid that CONSTANTLY asks dumb questions makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
I won't get into U of I after high school, so I want to go to Harper for a little. 1) Saves me money, and 2) Gives me an opportunity to replace my high school transcript with college course grades. My plan after that? I don't know since it depends on many factors, but my ideal goal is looking bleak. So yeah, looking towards going to Harper with more people who don't really give a crap about what they are doing since it is a community college. Great.
God, I just don't want to be so pessimistic. Having everything that I want and aspire to have so close, yet knowing it can be taken away any moment, is just meh.
I'm done for today. Will go answer emails. Peace.
I feel bad cuz I kinda just left my friends to wander aimlessly. This place depresses me, though. Walking by the Astronomy building, I couldn't help but think, "Charlie will be here next year, and holly shit this is far from home." And everything that I have planned for the next year is a huge mistake if it will not work out. I am risking scholarships and acceptance into colleges by graduating early, and I am screwing myself over financially because there is no way in hell that I would let my mom pay for my college.
I have a job interview on Sunday, though. Hopefully I can save enough money over the summer to even get a car that drives. I couldn't care less about how it looks, anything that will get me closer to Charlie is a godsend.
The thing that sucks is I ADMIT I can't have fun without him. No one can make me laugh like he can, and even though we rarely talk about anything that is remotely serious, I trust him. He is the only person that makes me feel safe. And that sucks.
So does that mean that I will be miserable while he is here? I don't know. As long as I get to see him EVENTUALLY, I will be content. And maybe not having him here as a distraction will help me academically (desperate attempt at looking on the bright side). And I really do have to get my shit together. I am doing well in my AP and Honors courses, but I HATE GENERAL CLASSES. Sitting in a class that is so ignorant that they won't even ATTEMPT to do the work, and having that one kid that CONSTANTLY asks dumb questions makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
I won't get into U of I after high school, so I want to go to Harper for a little. 1) Saves me money, and 2) Gives me an opportunity to replace my high school transcript with college course grades. My plan after that? I don't know since it depends on many factors, but my ideal goal is looking bleak. So yeah, looking towards going to Harper with more people who don't really give a crap about what they are doing since it is a community college. Great.
God, I just don't want to be so pessimistic. Having everything that I want and aspire to have so close, yet knowing it can be taken away any moment, is just meh.
I'm done for today. Will go answer emails. Peace.
My bad
Yeah I read everything that I wrote yesterday, and I gotta say, I'm a little stupid.
1) There is no point in completely changing myself only because some stupid woman pisses me off. Yeah her expression got to me yesterday, but it's not worth it. Yeah I will reduce my calorie intake, but I won't like starve myself. Eeew.
2) Yesterday it felt like I hate her. Like I would hurt her if I had the chance. Hah, now it's not even hate, it's indifference. I just don't care about her. She can say whatever she wants, I know I am better than her in several ways. Not worth it.
3) I hate being angry. Whenever I am angry, I just DON'T TALK. At all. And I know Charlie felt stupid when I just lay down and not say anything. I decided after some time of the awkward silence to give the man a break and laughed at a joke a dude made in The Matrix.
4) I have to learn how to CALM THE HELL DOWN. WoW works. Working out works. Drawing works. Shit, even writing. But the thing that bothers me A LOT is the fact that I can't talk to Charlie. I can write, but talking about stuff doesn't come naturally to me. And it's sad because there is SOOOO much that I want to talk about, I actually WANT to know his opinion, but I just can't start up a conversation. Hmm. All I can do is hope that he brings something up because answering is just easier. And it's not like it's a trust thing, I would tell the man anything, but it's just it's complicated for me to talk. Feels awkward and strange. Sad panda face.
All in all, I'm excited for Science Olympiad state. I get to spend two days with two of my women, no dudes or parents involved hah. I'd probably spend half the night playing wow, but what the hell. We will go swimming, and look all sexy and stuff. Lol no one to look sexy in front of but what the hell XD. I just need a break from school (feels strange to say since I got off of spring break hah), and I definitely need a break from home.
I'm just writing about everything, I guess. Charlie and I watched some movie about a guy who lost his short-term memory (haha Hippocampus...) and in it, a chick lost her husband or whatever. Thinking back to the movie, I don't know what I would have done if I was in her place. I would have probably ended up in prison, would have killed the guy who shot him. And not just killed, I would have torchured the motherfucker. Well, the one-sided conversation is taking a morbid turn, so I will move on.
I remember writing a blog post on my old blog about how I hated being alone. Now I am taken, but I still feel alone going to bed. He isn't right by my side when I want him most. And although a part of me is sad, a larger portion is happy because it makes me look towards the future. If he decides there is a future for us. Just it would be so nice to hold him close as I fall asleep.
I don't know my mood hah. It's kind of meh. Just tired, I guess. Out of all the things I want in life, (at least right now) Charlie is my priority. And although that's stupid in some ways, that's what makes me happy. I don't care about colleges anymore because my only one choice is U of I. And although I honestly dislike the school, it doesn't matter. Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. And Charlie is so much better.
Hmm. Good night.
1) There is no point in completely changing myself only because some stupid woman pisses me off. Yeah her expression got to me yesterday, but it's not worth it. Yeah I will reduce my calorie intake, but I won't like starve myself. Eeew.
2) Yesterday it felt like I hate her. Like I would hurt her if I had the chance. Hah, now it's not even hate, it's indifference. I just don't care about her. She can say whatever she wants, I know I am better than her in several ways. Not worth it.
3) I hate being angry. Whenever I am angry, I just DON'T TALK. At all. And I know Charlie felt stupid when I just lay down and not say anything. I decided after some time of the awkward silence to give the man a break and laughed at a joke a dude made in The Matrix.
4) I have to learn how to CALM THE HELL DOWN. WoW works. Working out works. Drawing works. Shit, even writing. But the thing that bothers me A LOT is the fact that I can't talk to Charlie. I can write, but talking about stuff doesn't come naturally to me. And it's sad because there is SOOOO much that I want to talk about, I actually WANT to know his opinion, but I just can't start up a conversation. Hmm. All I can do is hope that he brings something up because answering is just easier. And it's not like it's a trust thing, I would tell the man anything, but it's just it's complicated for me to talk. Feels awkward and strange. Sad panda face.
All in all, I'm excited for Science Olympiad state. I get to spend two days with two of my women, no dudes or parents involved hah. I'd probably spend half the night playing wow, but what the hell. We will go swimming, and look all sexy and stuff. Lol no one to look sexy in front of but what the hell XD. I just need a break from school (feels strange to say since I got off of spring break hah), and I definitely need a break from home.
I'm just writing about everything, I guess. Charlie and I watched some movie about a guy who lost his short-term memory (haha Hippocampus...) and in it, a chick lost her husband or whatever. Thinking back to the movie, I don't know what I would have done if I was in her place. I would have probably ended up in prison, would have killed the guy who shot him. And not just killed, I would have torchured the motherfucker. Well, the one-sided conversation is taking a morbid turn, so I will move on.
I remember writing a blog post on my old blog about how I hated being alone. Now I am taken, but I still feel alone going to bed. He isn't right by my side when I want him most. And although a part of me is sad, a larger portion is happy because it makes me look towards the future. If he decides there is a future for us. Just it would be so nice to hold him close as I fall asleep.
I don't know my mood hah. It's kind of meh. Just tired, I guess. Out of all the things I want in life, (at least right now) Charlie is my priority. And although that's stupid in some ways, that's what makes me happy. I don't care about colleges anymore because my only one choice is U of I. And although I honestly dislike the school, it doesn't matter. Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. And Charlie is so much better.
Hmm. Good night.
Fuck people
I will write this when I am angry because if I wait until tomorrow, when I hear your voice, and when I hold you close and the world seems perfect, then this feeling would be forgotten. No. Not again. I will write this down and keep it in mind the next time I want pizza or ice cream.
Don't give me this bullshit about how you like how I look. I myself hate what I see when I look in the goddamn mirror, and if I got the chance to change ANYTHING about myself, I would change EVERYTHING. You have NO IDEA how it is like to be me in a world (fucking US of A) that expects me to be a size double zero stick. Other than Ulyana (who is gorgeous and has the prettiest eyes in the world) every single Russian chick I know is tiny. And by tiny I mean several could fit into me. That makes me feel just fucking pleasant.
I am tired of all the jokes you and Rachel make. So I gained a couple of pounds, that's what happens when you are on birth-control, and you should have thought of that before taking me there. I am tired of my mom making jokes that if I go ice-skating, the fucking ice would break. Rachel saying that nothing will fit me because I have been eating too much. And hey, let's not forget a couple of choice ones you used. They're not jokes Carlos. They hurt. And a lot.
And let's not forget about your ever-so-perfect extended family. Shit, I'm SORRY that I don't dress in Abercrombie and Bitch, first of all, I can't afford that shit, and second of all, I think I am a tiny little bit too different from everybody else to try and conform to your stupid American standards. The fact that I am smart has no saying whatsoever in this goddamn country, all of the jobs and attention go to stick blonde bitches.
Fuck, if you even saw the look BOTH of your cousins gave me when I walked in. Carmen I can somewhat stand, she is nice from time to time, but Lily... I walked in and she looked at me like I am trash. Is that all I am to you? Trash? Here I arrive, in jeans and a T shirt and I couldn't even get the fucking door closed because of the goddamn rug and she looked at me like at a pathetic animal. So don't give me shit about how everything is fine because she hasn't said anything to my face because her face says it all. That fucking face with the perfect skin, perfect makeup, and actually DONE hair the entire package wrapped with A&F or Hollister or whatever the fuck you guys wear. Oh Ruehl. That's right, that shit, great memories about the place where you used to work, huh?
AND DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FUCKING BODY. I want to go and get a tan, I will. I want to lose some weight, I will. I want to get highlights, damn straight I will and bleach my fucking hair if that's what it takes. I am not doing it for myself, I am far beyond caring about my pathetic excuse for a female body, I am doing it to get the bitch off my back and so you don't look stupid with a girlfriend that... well, looks like me.
DON'T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM PERFECT HOW I AM. Don't lie to me. Please. After all this shit, that is the last thing I want. And I will definitely not stand it.
And if you have a problem with me tanning or cutting down calories, YOU AND SEVERAL CHOICE PEOPLE started this. So no, I see no fault of mine in this. Sorry.
I don't want to see the bitch again. Ever. She ever comes to your house again, I will leave. I don't care if I have to walk if it's raining or if I'm sick. I would rather fucking get pneumonia than face that her. Because I am telling you this now as a warning, I might not be the greatest-looking-Victoria's-
I'm done. My rant is over. I still love you to death... but I am hurt. And since I don't find yelling at you very pleasant, I wrote this out. I give up, and if being a stick is what it takes to be accepted into your perfect family and into the glorious society, then fine.
Don't give me this bullshit about how you like how I look. I myself hate what I see when I look in the goddamn mirror, and if I got the chance to change ANYTHING about myself, I would change EVERYTHING. You have NO IDEA how it is like to be me in a world (fucking US of A) that expects me to be a size double zero stick. Other than Ulyana (who is gorgeous and has the prettiest eyes in the world) every single Russian chick I know is tiny. And by tiny I mean several could fit into me. That makes me feel just fucking pleasant.
I am tired of all the jokes you and Rachel make. So I gained a couple of pounds, that's what happens when you are on birth-control, and you should have thought of that before taking me there. I am tired of my mom making jokes that if I go ice-skating, the fucking ice would break. Rachel saying that nothing will fit me because I have been eating too much. And hey, let's not forget a couple of choice ones you used. They're not jokes Carlos. They hurt. And a lot.
And let's not forget about your ever-so-perfect extended family. Shit, I'm SORRY that I don't dress in Abercrombie and Bitch, first of all, I can't afford that shit, and second of all, I think I am a tiny little bit too different from everybody else to try and conform to your stupid American standards. The fact that I am smart has no saying whatsoever in this goddamn country, all of the jobs and attention go to stick blonde bitches.
Fuck, if you even saw the look BOTH of your cousins gave me when I walked in. Carmen I can somewhat stand, she is nice from time to time, but Lily... I walked in and she looked at me like I am trash. Is that all I am to you? Trash? Here I arrive, in jeans and a T shirt and I couldn't even get the fucking door closed because of the goddamn rug and she looked at me like at a pathetic animal. So don't give me shit about how everything is fine because she hasn't said anything to my face because her face says it all. That fucking face with the perfect skin, perfect makeup, and actually DONE hair the entire package wrapped with A&F or Hollister or whatever the fuck you guys wear. Oh Ruehl. That's right, that shit, great memories about the place where you used to work, huh?
AND DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FUCKING BODY. I want to go and get a tan, I will. I want to lose some weight, I will. I want to get highlights, damn straight I will and bleach my fucking hair if that's what it takes. I am not doing it for myself, I am far beyond caring about my pathetic excuse for a female body, I am doing it to get the bitch off my back and so you don't look stupid with a girlfriend that... well, looks like me.
DON'T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM PERFECT HOW I AM. Don't lie to me. Please. After all this shit, that is the last thing I want. And I will definitely not stand it.
And if you have a problem with me tanning or cutting down calories, YOU AND SEVERAL CHOICE PEOPLE started this. So no, I see no fault of mine in this. Sorry.
I don't want to see the bitch again. Ever. She ever comes to your house again, I will leave. I don't care if I have to walk if it's raining or if I'm sick. I would rather fucking get pneumonia than face that her. Because I am telling you this now as a warning, I might not be the greatest-looking-Victoria's-
I'm done. My rant is over. I still love you to death... but I am hurt. And since I don't find yelling at you very pleasant, I wrote this out. I give up, and if being a stick is what it takes to be accepted into your perfect family and into the glorious society, then fine.
Frustration
I had an awesome dream a couple of days ago. Woke up sad, wondering if it will ever come true. Based on how people tend to fuck up, I'm guessing not.
Still, like to cling on to the idea of what I really want. Would be nice.
Still, like to cling on to the idea of what I really want. Would be nice.
Mathemagician
LOLs I have to do a little project for Lit Class... I managed to find how to connect it to math... Yayz!
So first, I wanted to find something that will describe a nautilus shell... I thought it would could relate to the Fibonacci Sequence, but it turned out to be the Golden Ratio... Heh. So my first attempt failed, but I have until Friday so YAYZ!
IDK, this project made me excited.
So first, I wanted to find something that will describe a nautilus shell... I thought it would could relate to the Fibonacci Sequence, but it turned out to be the Golden Ratio... Heh. So my first attempt failed, but I have until Friday so YAYZ!
IDK, this project made me excited.
Sad hace.
When someone you love is dead, you expect the pain to go away in time, but even though it partially subsides, it is always there in the back of your head, creating new nightmares.
I woke up on March 7th (yesterday) at five in the morning, sweating, and breathing heavily. I had that dream again.
That dream where it is me instead of him. Where it is I shot point-blank, the bullet tearing apart my insides. The dream of me being the one who slowly, painfully, died alone.
He died alone. Those he loved, and those who loved him, were not there.
He saved the other man. He stood up for the other man, when they were being threatened by a drunk dude with a gun. Both died.
I miss him. That time was the worst time of my entire life, his death a big part of it.
It was cruel to Rachel and I. Rachel lost a father, and will grow up without a dad just like I did.
And I, finally getting to see how amazing it is to have a dad that actually gives a shit that you exist, get it all taken away from me. By a guy who was drunk and had a gun.
It was the worst for my mom. First she had me, with a man that was both violent and a heavy drinker, and who eventually was kicked out by her. He stayed the hell out of our lives, my father figure when I was growing up was my grandpa.
Then my mom moves here, and meets an amazing guy who not only cares about her, but also about me. They have Rachel. They are happy.
He dies.
Great luck we have with fathers, eh?
I don't know what I am supposed to tell Rachel when she is older. Will she even remember him?
---
He left that night to spend a night with some if his friends. Was innocent enough. I do remember seeing an annoyed look on my mother's face, and him telling Rachel and myself goodnight. And look how that turned out.
I apologize, sometimes I seem to interrogate Charlie with random shit. But I do worry. That day is always in the back of my head. I would... I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him too.
I woke up on March 7th (yesterday) at five in the morning, sweating, and breathing heavily. I had that dream again.
That dream where it is me instead of him. Where it is I shot point-blank, the bullet tearing apart my insides. The dream of me being the one who slowly, painfully, died alone.
He died alone. Those he loved, and those who loved him, were not there.
He saved the other man. He stood up for the other man, when they were being threatened by a drunk dude with a gun. Both died.
I miss him. That time was the worst time of my entire life, his death a big part of it.
It was cruel to Rachel and I. Rachel lost a father, and will grow up without a dad just like I did.
And I, finally getting to see how amazing it is to have a dad that actually gives a shit that you exist, get it all taken away from me. By a guy who was drunk and had a gun.
It was the worst for my mom. First she had me, with a man that was both violent and a heavy drinker, and who eventually was kicked out by her. He stayed the hell out of our lives, my father figure when I was growing up was my grandpa.
Then my mom moves here, and meets an amazing guy who not only cares about her, but also about me. They have Rachel. They are happy.
He dies.
Great luck we have with fathers, eh?
I don't know what I am supposed to tell Rachel when she is older. Will she even remember him?
---
He left that night to spend a night with some if his friends. Was innocent enough. I do remember seeing an annoyed look on my mother's face, and him telling Rachel and myself goodnight. And look how that turned out.
I apologize, sometimes I seem to interrogate Charlie with random shit. But I do worry. That day is always in the back of my head. I would... I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him too.
I hate Psych. Chick stuff.
Ignorance is bliss. So many things I learn in AP Psychology that I could easily live without. Here's one that made me reconsider my view on relationships.
So according to the book, there are two kinds of love. Passionate love, and compassionate love. Passionate love is that one feeling you feel when you just get in a relationship. A near-obsession with the person. A deep connection, leading to passion. Obviously the type that inevitably leads to sexy time. Oh yahh.
The second (compassionate) type is the connection you feel with those who are dear to you and who share your life. Like your family, and intimate friends.
What made me re-read the passage was the fact that the book stated that compassionate love only lasts for a while. It is not permanent.
Book essentially said: entering a relationship (passionate love) will eventually die down into compassionate love.
That makes me sad. So everyone who gets married is pretty much screwed for a life of mediocrity after that period wears off? Then what is the point in even seeing anyone?
What I think is that the connection that is built in that period of time is what keeps a couple together. While you two are still in that "honeymoon stage," such information is shared and such a connection is built up that it cannot even compare to the love you feel towards your friends. Wouldn't it make sense to spend the rest of your life with someone you love and respect and know the most? Unless it's your cat, of course. But the cat comes along. We are a package deal.
No, but yeah. Them bears.
More sad stuff.
I read some random statistic that said that during marriage (not while they are still technically single), 70% of men and 60% of women cheat. And that is when they are married. Before that, I expect the numbers to be even higher. That is depressing. What is the point in committing yourself to one person if you will end up fucking someone else? And what dumbshits people are to think that they would not get caught. That must be so demeaning. Finding out that the person you love the most in the world would rather be intimate with someone else.
I would forgive everything. The two things that would never be forgiven (and is an automatic gtfo of a relationship) is cheating. And possibly killing someone. But cheating I cannot forgive.
I was talking with one of my really smart friends from Michigan. He said that he would rather have his girlfriend break up with him a minute before she cheats than have to find out that she cheated on him while they were together. I agree with that.
Man, this is depressing. I'm going to write about something else.
KshanksBAI
So according to the book, there are two kinds of love. Passionate love, and compassionate love. Passionate love is that one feeling you feel when you just get in a relationship. A near-obsession with the person. A deep connection, leading to passion. Obviously the type that inevitably leads to sexy time. Oh yahh.
The second (compassionate) type is the connection you feel with those who are dear to you and who share your life. Like your family, and intimate friends.
What made me re-read the passage was the fact that the book stated that compassionate love only lasts for a while. It is not permanent.
Book essentially said: entering a relationship (passionate love) will eventually die down into compassionate love.
That makes me sad. So everyone who gets married is pretty much screwed for a life of mediocrity after that period wears off? Then what is the point in even seeing anyone?
What I think is that the connection that is built in that period of time is what keeps a couple together. While you two are still in that "honeymoon stage," such information is shared and such a connection is built up that it cannot even compare to the love you feel towards your friends. Wouldn't it make sense to spend the rest of your life with someone you love and respect and know the most? Unless it's your cat, of course. But the cat comes along. We are a package deal.
No, but yeah. Them bears.
More sad stuff.
I read some random statistic that said that during marriage (not while they are still technically single), 70% of men and 60% of women cheat. And that is when they are married. Before that, I expect the numbers to be even higher. That is depressing. What is the point in committing yourself to one person if you will end up fucking someone else? And what dumbshits people are to think that they would not get caught. That must be so demeaning. Finding out that the person you love the most in the world would rather be intimate with someone else.
I would forgive everything. The two things that would never be forgiven (and is an automatic gtfo of a relationship) is cheating. And possibly killing someone. But cheating I cannot forgive.
I was talking with one of my really smart friends from Michigan. He said that he would rather have his girlfriend break up with him a minute before she cheats than have to find out that she cheated on him while they were together. I agree with that.
Man, this is depressing. I'm going to write about something else.
KshanksBAI
Patrick
"A guy would rather shed blood than shed tears but that's because he has yet to experience sadness."
I heard that from a friend, and it made me think a little. Just a little, cuz it might hurt my little female brain to think more (lol).
I would totally agree that women are more unstable than men. At least on the inside. Most can do well with the hiding of the crazy. Or just let it out in small portions hah.
A woman on TV was talking about how after she had to get a majority of her reproductive system removed (for health reasons of a malignant tumor), how much she changed. She was talking about how much calmer she was. I laughed.
In all seriousness (which is still pretty hilarious to me) the only time I actually cry is when I am PMSing and someone does ANYTHING wrong. The magnitude doesn't matter hah, just the fact that the world seems to be against me hah. I find it funny.
Just like when we (Charlie and I) were doing a dungeon on our Druids, and (since I was restoration spec), I had to heal. I wanted to cry/kill/laugh so much in such a short period of time. It was strange. I ended up yelling something in the lines of FUCK YOU ALL! YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF! and Carlos laughed at me and kissed me.
But getting back to the quote (sort of), sometimes it is easier to laugh at something than admit defeat. Than admit that something bad happened. That's why it is so essential for me to make my friends laugh, to make those I love happy. I see no point in discussing something really depressing (which would bring them down as well as me), when I could make them laugh instead.
But the thing I really believe in is the fact that you don't know how great life is until something really shitty happens. Makes you put stuff in perspective.
And since I mentioned women in this post, I have to mention another quote I heard (this one not as emo hah);
"Men are like purses. Cute, full of shit, and easily replaceable."
Although I disagree with it, it did made me laugh and think back to the days when I thought all men had the intelligence quotient of a brain-dead starfish.
LIKE PATRICK FROM SPONGEBOB <3
I heard that from a friend, and it made me think a little. Just a little, cuz it might hurt my little female brain to think more (lol).
I would totally agree that women are more unstable than men. At least on the inside. Most can do well with the hiding of the crazy. Or just let it out in small portions hah.
A woman on TV was talking about how after she had to get a majority of her reproductive system removed (for health reasons of a malignant tumor), how much she changed. She was talking about how much calmer she was. I laughed.
In all seriousness (which is still pretty hilarious to me) the only time I actually cry is when I am PMSing and someone does ANYTHING wrong. The magnitude doesn't matter hah, just the fact that the world seems to be against me hah. I find it funny.
Just like when we (Charlie and I) were doing a dungeon on our Druids, and (since I was restoration spec), I had to heal. I wanted to cry/kill/laugh so much in such a short period of time. It was strange. I ended up yelling something in the lines of FUCK YOU ALL! YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF! and Carlos laughed at me and kissed me.
But getting back to the quote (sort of), sometimes it is easier to laugh at something than admit defeat. Than admit that something bad happened. That's why it is so essential for me to make my friends laugh, to make those I love happy. I see no point in discussing something really depressing (which would bring them down as well as me), when I could make them laugh instead.
But the thing I really believe in is the fact that you don't know how great life is until something really shitty happens. Makes you put stuff in perspective.
And since I mentioned women in this post, I have to mention another quote I heard (this one not as emo hah);
"Men are like purses. Cute, full of shit, and easily replaceable."
Although I disagree with it, it did made me laugh and think back to the days when I thought all men had the intelligence quotient of a brain-dead starfish.
LIKE PATRICK FROM SPONGEBOB <3
LOCK! (been a while since I called you that)
When will you be online? Add Meoda on Lightningfoot (or Lightningtoe or Thunderfinger or whatever), just made her hah.
I think I think, therefore (I think), I think I am
Bored in the library.
Click a link. Sexy. Velociraptors. April 18.
Another link. Randall Munroe. I love you. "Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)."
Linky link. Mmm dinosaurs.
Link link link. It's physics related, so I can look at it?
SO SHINY AND PRETTY.... Omgs link. I wants more.
Gonna get a cookie. Hmmm... BAI!
Click a link. Sexy. Velociraptors. April 18.
Another link. Randall Munroe. I love you. "Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)."
Linky link. Mmm dinosaurs.
Link link link. It's physics related, so I can look at it?
SO SHINY AND PRETTY.... Omgs link. I wants more.
Gonna get a cookie. Hmmm... BAI!
Table for two, please. My conscience will be joining me soon.
...
I think Charlie saved me.
Some of this stuff no one knows. Even Justy. But hey, what the hell. This shit sucks, though, I cried while re-reading this.
Truth is, I wasn't always happy and geeky and smart. Last year fucking sucked. Epicly.
I realize the next part might hurt Charlie, but again, this is something we have never discussed, and I don't want to keep anything from him. Please don't be mad.
I wouldn't say I was in a relationship beginning of sophmore year. There was this one asshole (all he is) that I clung to because I was terrified of being alone. I did not love him. Shit, I didn't even like him. As a boyfriend or as a person.
I always make jokes on how I would like beat Justyna up for being a stupid woman, or how Carlos is a real man if he kissed me with his fist. But violence in anything resembling a relationship isn't funny. And it hits close to home. Just like rape, if I don't laugh at it, I think I would die. Those two things I would rather laugh about than spend nights crying, wondering what the fuck went wrong in my life. Wondering why I deserved this, why I was the one abused.
So yeah, back to sophomore year. The only time I saw him (the asshole) was in ROTC. I think the fact that he is there is why I stopped going to ROTC last year. Whenever anyone was around, he took every possibility he could to push me around. And when no one was watching, he called me stupid, irresponsible, ugly, and useless. He hit me. I'm not joking. Only Evelyn saw the bruises. Only Anj saw me cry because the bastard fucked up my ribs. Plural.
And now of course, I have 20-20 hindsight. I now understand that he was just an asshole who took adventage of me (what else is new?) but then, I was scared out of my mind. I was terrified if someone asked me why I was beaten up. I was scared of ROTC.
I wanted to escape.
I made a mistake. A mistake I joke around about now, but I regret it. I admit I smoked pot. (This part Charlie knows) And often.
Please don't yell at me or judge me. I know it was stupid. I know it was irresponsible. And the fact that I was completely blazed at school (especially on Wednesdays, ROTC days) was very stupid, and that is why I failed three classes. When I was high, it didn't hurt that much. His words did not sting, and I shrugged off the bruises.
I feel so stupid. I really fucked up my life last year. My GPA went from a 5.2 to a 3.6. I went from being an A+ student to a beaten up pothead. I had so many friends that I ended up pushing away. My mom was confused on why I changed so much. And fuck feminism, I cried every night because I was afraid the next time he hits me, I won't be able to get back up. How could I possibly support women when I could barely keep myself in one place?
This is going to sound fucked up, but I needed a friend. I could never talk to Evelyn about this because she would have started drama. And other than her, I was afraid to talk to someone else because he managed to convince me that I am worthless and other than him, no one will ever love me or care. I really believed that. At first, I shrugged it off, but after hearing that over, and over, and over again, I started believing him. And that sucked.
And the cycle was broken.
I remember being in ROTC, sitting by the fieldhouse, and using my friend's iPhone to get on Facebook. I checked Evelyn's stupid posts on how happy she is dating Mike, I saw all the lovey crap they wrote. I wondered why that could never be me. Why I have never heard a sincere "I love you" or why no man has ever had the guts to ask me out. The only person I ever felt attached to moved on with his life (college whoo hoo), and I didn't really care for anyone. I wanted that one person, but I never even got a chance to tell him how great he is.
And then I saw I had a friend request.
Who else than Carlos? He requested me. Even if it was a stupid website where the more friends you have, the supposedly more popular you are, and the only thing connecting you was a line of code, I was happy. He requested me. Me. And we started talking.
A week after Charlie requested me, I came up to the asshole on Wednesday, and I told him I never wanted to see him again. I never wanted to hear his voice, and I am tired of pain. He called me a skank because the only possible reason why I would talk to him is because I was fucking around, and he said no one will ever love or care about a bitch like me.
I punched him. Looking back, I should have castrated the bastard. With hot scissors. And made him swallow his excuse for balls if he thought he was tough for beating a girl. But I only punched him.
It felt so good. That half a year of pure pain, mostly clouded by marijuana, went through my memory so quick that I was left breathless. I punched him. It was done.
I felt so powerful. So happy. So free. I never smoked again, weed or cigarettes. I was clean, and happy.
But I didn't feel as alone.
The moral of the story; I went through shit that no woman should ever be put through. With a little help of a friend (and now a lover, my sole reason for existance), I perservered, and I kicked ass.
Whatever you are angry at, whatever hurts you, whatever ever puts you down, DON'T ACCEPT IT. Now, I am a good student, in AP classes yet again, I am as nerdy as it gets, and my life has been blessed with the gift that is WoW. Lol, as much as I love the game, that's not the point.
Anyone who thinks they can put you down, laugh at them and ask what the fuck they have accomplished in life. And walk away.
I don't know what would have happened if Charlie hasn't talked to me. Surely, I would have attempted suicide. Attempted. I am not sure whether or not I would have suceeded. Again, one of those things I laugh at, but I remember to myself all the nights wishing that I was dead.
I know I wouldn't be clean. I know from pot, I would have moved on to something stronger. Pot doesn't do as much as I expected at the beginning.
Carlos had good timing. At a time I was ready to jump under the freakin metra to end it all, or possibly just... IDK. I was going down a WRONG path, and I think he opened my eyes. To both the fact that I can have friends again, the fact that I am smart, and he opened my eyes to love.
I'll take the check, please. My conscience and I are done. The dinner was pleasant, albeit a tad bitter.
I think Charlie saved me.
Some of this stuff no one knows. Even Justy. But hey, what the hell. This shit sucks, though, I cried while re-reading this.
Truth is, I wasn't always happy and geeky and smart. Last year fucking sucked. Epicly.
I realize the next part might hurt Charlie, but again, this is something we have never discussed, and I don't want to keep anything from him. Please don't be mad.
I wouldn't say I was in a relationship beginning of sophmore year. There was this one asshole (all he is) that I clung to because I was terrified of being alone. I did not love him. Shit, I didn't even like him. As a boyfriend or as a person.
I always make jokes on how I would like beat Justyna up for being a stupid woman, or how Carlos is a real man if he kissed me with his fist. But violence in anything resembling a relationship isn't funny. And it hits close to home. Just like rape, if I don't laugh at it, I think I would die. Those two things I would rather laugh about than spend nights crying, wondering what the fuck went wrong in my life. Wondering why I deserved this, why I was the one abused.
So yeah, back to sophomore year. The only time I saw him (the asshole) was in ROTC. I think the fact that he is there is why I stopped going to ROTC last year. Whenever anyone was around, he took every possibility he could to push me around. And when no one was watching, he called me stupid, irresponsible, ugly, and useless. He hit me. I'm not joking. Only Evelyn saw the bruises. Only Anj saw me cry because the bastard fucked up my ribs. Plural.
And now of course, I have 20-20 hindsight. I now understand that he was just an asshole who took adventage of me (what else is new?) but then, I was scared out of my mind. I was terrified if someone asked me why I was beaten up. I was scared of ROTC.
I wanted to escape.
I made a mistake. A mistake I joke around about now, but I regret it. I admit I smoked pot. (This part Charlie knows) And often.
Please don't yell at me or judge me. I know it was stupid. I know it was irresponsible. And the fact that I was completely blazed at school (especially on Wednesdays, ROTC days) was very stupid, and that is why I failed three classes. When I was high, it didn't hurt that much. His words did not sting, and I shrugged off the bruises.
I feel so stupid. I really fucked up my life last year. My GPA went from a 5.2 to a 3.6. I went from being an A+ student to a beaten up pothead. I had so many friends that I ended up pushing away. My mom was confused on why I changed so much. And fuck feminism, I cried every night because I was afraid the next time he hits me, I won't be able to get back up. How could I possibly support women when I could barely keep myself in one place?
This is going to sound fucked up, but I needed a friend. I could never talk to Evelyn about this because she would have started drama. And other than her, I was afraid to talk to someone else because he managed to convince me that I am worthless and other than him, no one will ever love me or care. I really believed that. At first, I shrugged it off, but after hearing that over, and over, and over again, I started believing him. And that sucked.
And the cycle was broken.
I remember being in ROTC, sitting by the fieldhouse, and using my friend's iPhone to get on Facebook. I checked Evelyn's stupid posts on how happy she is dating Mike, I saw all the lovey crap they wrote. I wondered why that could never be me. Why I have never heard a sincere "I love you" or why no man has ever had the guts to ask me out. The only person I ever felt attached to moved on with his life (college whoo hoo), and I didn't really care for anyone. I wanted that one person, but I never even got a chance to tell him how great he is.
And then I saw I had a friend request.
Who else than Carlos? He requested me. Even if it was a stupid website where the more friends you have, the supposedly more popular you are, and the only thing connecting you was a line of code, I was happy. He requested me. Me. And we started talking.
A week after Charlie requested me, I came up to the asshole on Wednesday, and I told him I never wanted to see him again. I never wanted to hear his voice, and I am tired of pain. He called me a skank because the only possible reason why I would talk to him is because I was fucking around, and he said no one will ever love or care about a bitch like me.
I punched him. Looking back, I should have castrated the bastard. With hot scissors. And made him swallow his excuse for balls if he thought he was tough for beating a girl. But I only punched him.
It felt so good. That half a year of pure pain, mostly clouded by marijuana, went through my memory so quick that I was left breathless. I punched him. It was done.
I felt so powerful. So happy. So free. I never smoked again, weed or cigarettes. I was clean, and happy.
But I didn't feel as alone.
The moral of the story; I went through shit that no woman should ever be put through. With a little help of a friend (and now a lover, my sole reason for existance), I perservered, and I kicked ass.
Whatever you are angry at, whatever hurts you, whatever ever puts you down, DON'T ACCEPT IT. Now, I am a good student, in AP classes yet again, I am as nerdy as it gets, and my life has been blessed with the gift that is WoW. Lol, as much as I love the game, that's not the point.
Anyone who thinks they can put you down, laugh at them and ask what the fuck they have accomplished in life. And walk away.
I don't know what would have happened if Charlie hasn't talked to me. Surely, I would have attempted suicide. Attempted. I am not sure whether or not I would have suceeded. Again, one of those things I laugh at, but I remember to myself all the nights wishing that I was dead.
I know I wouldn't be clean. I know from pot, I would have moved on to something stronger. Pot doesn't do as much as I expected at the beginning.
Carlos had good timing. At a time I was ready to jump under the freakin metra to end it all, or possibly just... IDK. I was going down a WRONG path, and I think he opened my eyes. To both the fact that I can have friends again, the fact that I am smart, and he opened my eyes to love.
I'll take the check, please. My conscience and I are done. The dinner was pleasant, albeit a tad bitter.
Law and Order
I'm not trying to shove my beliefs down your throat, and if you have a problem with what I believe in, STFU and GTFO because IDC.
Law and Order makes me think from time to time.
Long story short... So a man brought his knocked-up soon-to-be-ex wife to court to make her go to a treatment center because she is a heavy drinker. God, if I would have had the opportunity, I would have smacked her so hard. What a fucking idiot. That bitch said pregnancy is stressful and drinking made her feel better. Well guess what? No shit, Sherlock, but you don't have to take it out on your kid! I consider a fetus a life, and the chances of FAS are so fucking high after you drink as much as she did. Man, if I was her, I would stay the fuck away from alcohol or ANYONE smoking, and she just swallows rum like it's fucking Kool-Aid. How difficult is it to realize that having a child is such a blessing, that she should be thanking any fucking deity her bitch ass prays to.
And then I tell myself, "calm down Yana, it's just a show...".
But that doesn't change the fact that there are people out there like her. Shit, if anyone I knew was planning an abortion, I would fucking chain them up and force them to have the kid. I don't give a shit if they put him into adoption, but abortion is freaking murder.
And I know the entire argument. Where do you draw the line? For me, it is between the transformation from an embryo to the fetus. An embryo is just a bunch of cells, if I said an abortion of an embryo is killing, it would be the same as after a dude jacks off, and the sperm die. Nah, that's not an alive being. But killing a child... Man, so wrong. A fetus, your baby, that has a heartbeat, that dreams, that is so innocent and defenseless, and you wanna kill it? Shit then stay the hell away from me.
Idk. Sorry for the rant. Had to be said.
Law and Order makes me think from time to time.
Long story short... So a man brought his knocked-up soon-to-be-ex wife to court to make her go to a treatment center because she is a heavy drinker. God, if I would have had the opportunity, I would have smacked her so hard. What a fucking idiot. That bitch said pregnancy is stressful and drinking made her feel better. Well guess what? No shit, Sherlock, but you don't have to take it out on your kid! I consider a fetus a life, and the chances of FAS are so fucking high after you drink as much as she did. Man, if I was her, I would stay the fuck away from alcohol or ANYONE smoking, and she just swallows rum like it's fucking Kool-Aid. How difficult is it to realize that having a child is such a blessing, that she should be thanking any fucking deity her bitch ass prays to.
And then I tell myself, "calm down Yana, it's just a show...".
But that doesn't change the fact that there are people out there like her. Shit, if anyone I knew was planning an abortion, I would fucking chain them up and force them to have the kid. I don't give a shit if they put him into adoption, but abortion is freaking murder.
And I know the entire argument. Where do you draw the line? For me, it is between the transformation from an embryo to the fetus. An embryo is just a bunch of cells, if I said an abortion of an embryo is killing, it would be the same as after a dude jacks off, and the sperm die. Nah, that's not an alive being. But killing a child... Man, so wrong. A fetus, your baby, that has a heartbeat, that dreams, that is so innocent and defenseless, and you wanna kill it? Shit then stay the hell away from me.
Idk. Sorry for the rant. Had to be said.
My Apologies
I feel bad because I sometimes ditch my friends to be with him. I don't get to see him on a daily basis, although I get to see him a little more often now, and I apologize to my friends. I guess I still feel kind of left out when they discuss how they will all hang out during the weekend, and how they will go watch movies or something, and everyone already assumes that I will be with Charlie. I know that's true, and that I have said many times that he owns my weekends, but still. He at least has boundaries. He gets to practice with his band, and hang out with his dude friends, and I am left alone at home. I'm not mad. I just feel left out with my friends who have their inside jokes, and then god forbid I am with Charlie and his friends, and they go on tangents on how awesome it was to have The Exchange together, and I am left out then, as well. Incredibly awkward and alienating. Idk. Feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore.
Evelyn has her crazy friends that she drinks with practically every weekend. She smokes pot now. She has a new boyfriend (shit I forgot his name). She prefers freaking Carlos' cousin to me. We used to be so close. I would practically live at her house during the summer. And now we actually talk like once a month.
I lost another best friend after that. I guess I deserve it. But he turned out to be an asshole. He messed with my relationship (which I treasure above all else), and he should have seen it coming. In all honesty, it's not the same without him, though. He was the person I went to when something bad happened. I remember talking to him about all the amazing stuff with Charlie. But I got fed up with him looking like he is in agonizing pain every time I mention my love's name. And he in essence called Charlie a bitch. So no more best friend.
Idk. Justy has Betsy. Lol not only that, but now both of them have boyfriends.
Seems like there is no place left for me with my old friends. Maybe I am overreacting. Idk.
I still have Kisa so I am still sane.
Evelyn has her crazy friends that she drinks with practically every weekend. She smokes pot now. She has a new boyfriend (shit I forgot his name). She prefers freaking Carlos' cousin to me. We used to be so close. I would practically live at her house during the summer. And now we actually talk like once a month.
I lost another best friend after that. I guess I deserve it. But he turned out to be an asshole. He messed with my relationship (which I treasure above all else), and he should have seen it coming. In all honesty, it's not the same without him, though. He was the person I went to when something bad happened. I remember talking to him about all the amazing stuff with Charlie. But I got fed up with him looking like he is in agonizing pain every time I mention my love's name. And he in essence called Charlie a bitch. So no more best friend.
Idk. Justy has Betsy. Lol not only that, but now both of them have boyfriends.
Seems like there is no place left for me with my old friends. Maybe I am overreacting. Idk.
I still have Kisa so I am still sane.
COWS
A blog I came by, post about the diff ways to look at cows. EPIC.
http://rocketleafsalad.blogspot.com/2010/02/best-of-rest.html
http://rocketleafsalad.blogspot.com/2010/02/best-of-rest.html
List: Stuff I do in WoW that probably pisses people off but makes me laugh.
-Extreme optimism (except when I am PMSimg, then i just wanna throw something at the computer).
-Yell LFM Group Sex in Orgrimmar (a variation is replacing LFM with WTB lol).
-Refer to elf mounts as chickens (my fave).
-Switch from healer to dps while doing a dungeon (hey, Charlie is the tank, and I still heal occasionally hah). I love cow people!
-Post Anal [ability] in trade. Hah Anal [Disengage], or even better Anal [Maul].
-Do Eyes of The Beast to bother group members when they are drinking their mana garb lawl (I have a TRex, and it's strangely amusing to watch it follow peope or just randomly stand on someone).
-This one Charlie does; every time we start a dungeon, he says "Does anyone like to cyber." We only got a positive response like twice hah.
Yeah some (or all) of these are obnoxious, but I have a shitload of fun while playing hah.
KTNXBAI XD
-Yell LFM Group Sex in Orgrimmar (a variation is replacing LFM with WTB lol).
-Refer to elf mounts as chickens (my fave).
-Switch from healer to dps while doing a dungeon (hey, Charlie is the tank, and I still heal occasionally hah). I love cow people!
-Post Anal [ability] in trade. Hah Anal [Disengage], or even better Anal [Maul].
-Do Eyes of The Beast to bother group members when they are drinking their mana garb lawl (I have a TRex, and it's strangely amusing to watch it follow peope or just randomly stand on someone).
-This one Charlie does; every time we start a dungeon, he says "Does anyone like to cyber." We only got a positive response like twice hah.
Yeah some (or all) of these are obnoxious, but I have a shitload of fun while playing hah.
KTNXBAI XD
KINKY MURLOC SEX (people who play WoW probably have a WTF face on hah)
I have a strange Murloc obsession. THEY ARE SO FUCKING SEXY!!! Hah, that shiny skin, those eyes, the way it yells wha-la-lelah-whala! Freakin hot. Haha Carlos and I were discussing Murlocs yesterday.
Carlos: please don't make Murloc noises when we are getting it on. LAWLS
Me: hah I get my wips and chains out, and start beating you up while making Murloc noises. Great image.
Carlos: *-don't hurt me face*
Me: *imagining it* That is hawt.
I'm not on crack. I'm really not hah. But Murlocs are sexy, and it makes me sad that you have to kill them so some noob can level.
FREEDOM TO MURLOCS, BITCHES!!!
Carlos: please don't make Murloc noises when we are getting it on. LAWLS
Me: hah I get my wips and chains out, and start beating you up while making Murloc noises. Great image.
Carlos: *-don't hurt me face*
Me: *imagining it* That is hawt.
I'm not on crack. I'm really not hah. But Murlocs are sexy, and it makes me sad that you have to kill them so some noob can level.
FREEDOM TO MURLOCS, BITCHES!!!
MUAHA YOU THOUGHT THIS POST WILL BE ABOUT CHARLIE!
I'm sorry I write so much about Charlie. My bff Justy must be pissed because that's practically all I write or talk about. I'm sure most of you understand though, if you are lucky enough to have a person love you as much as you love them.
THIS POST IS ABOUT JUSTY AND KRISS! <3
Well, and my friends in general.
Yes I have friends.
*gasp*
I am happy for Justy. She has a man called Kriss. And how she talks about him, it is very sweet. I know I don't know the entire story between them, but I can tell he has done a lot for her, ignoring the vast distance separating them. If I could see them together (as in, he gets his ass to the US), I know I will see a Justyna happier than I have ever before. And that is awesome!!!
Inever really got a chance to talk to him. Justy, tell him that I think he is an amazing guy for you, and that I hope you don't have to wait long to see him. The connection that these two is strong, and that is apparent even in general conversation that involves the man. She would check her phone to see if he is on MSN, and if he is, she gets very excited. Like her eyes light up. She really loves him (YOU HEAR THAT KRISS?!?!?!). She loves you man!
I wonder what would happen when they meet (and I say when, not if). Like I would laugh of they stand there, all awkward, like hey... you're here.... Now what? Lol. Beautiful.
I'm so happy when my friends are happy. Betsy needs a man, and so does one of my other friends (ughhhhh although he needs a woman. Unless he shoots for the other team... Awkward?). I hope when we are like 40, we will see each other (and our significant others and our kids), and still talk about the times when Kio got his hand stuck in his locker, and how Betsy and I shared a bed in eighth grade. Oh and how Justy and I are married. What else? Oh when homecoming cupcakes were fail. That was fun.
What women have is so awesome. Like Justy, Betsy and I (especially Betsy) would talk about crushes and stuff. It's adorable. We also talk about what guys are assholes, and what guys have nice butts (which was VERRRYYYY awkward for me at one point.... Oh god). Moving on from that very awkward memory, the things I tell them I can never tell to my guy friends. Like it doesn't seem right. But I know that Justy and Betsy would understand. And vice versa.
Well I actually have to get some sleepizzle, so I will write more later ons.
THIS POST IS ABOUT JUSTY AND KRISS! <3
Well, and my friends in general.
Yes I have friends.
*gasp*
I am happy for Justy. She has a man called Kriss. And how she talks about him, it is very sweet. I know I don't know the entire story between them, but I can tell he has done a lot for her, ignoring the vast distance separating them. If I could see them together (as in, he gets his ass to the US), I know I will see a Justyna happier than I have ever before. And that is awesome!!!
Inever really got a chance to talk to him. Justy, tell him that I think he is an amazing guy for you, and that I hope you don't have to wait long to see him. The connection that these two is strong, and that is apparent even in general conversation that involves the man. She would check her phone to see if he is on MSN, and if he is, she gets very excited. Like her eyes light up. She really loves him (YOU HEAR THAT KRISS?!?!?!). She loves you man!
I wonder what would happen when they meet (and I say when, not if). Like I would laugh of they stand there, all awkward, like hey... you're here.... Now what? Lol. Beautiful.
I'm so happy when my friends are happy. Betsy needs a man, and so does one of my other friends (ughhhhh although he needs a woman. Unless he shoots for the other team... Awkward?). I hope when we are like 40, we will see each other (and our significant others and our kids), and still talk about the times when Kio got his hand stuck in his locker, and how Betsy and I shared a bed in eighth grade. Oh and how Justy and I are married. What else? Oh when homecoming cupcakes were fail. That was fun.
What women have is so awesome. Like Justy, Betsy and I (especially Betsy) would talk about crushes and stuff. It's adorable. We also talk about what guys are assholes, and what guys have nice butts (which was VERRRYYYY awkward for me at one point.... Oh god). Moving on from that very awkward memory, the things I tell them I can never tell to my guy friends. Like it doesn't seem right. But I know that Justy and Betsy would understand. And vice versa.
Well I actually have to get some sleepizzle, so I will write more later ons.
BLOG ENTRIES
I remember when I would stay up all night writing blog entries (that I would delete because they were embarassing) about Charlie. I realized after we started hanging out that I fell for him, and I fell for him HARD. Seeing him was the greatest feeling on earth, and everything revolved around him. Oh the exitement of new love. Just getting to know him, and getting to spend time with him.
Now it's a little different.
Now he IS my world. Now I cannot imagine living without him, or going without his voice for a day. My future is planned around him, and he is top on my priority list. Now, whenever I see him, I am not bouncy and excited, but I do have a burning feeling deep inside. It is not just lust and attraction anymore, pure deep love is added into the mix. He seems to be a part of me. It's awesome.
I think this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like. People get bored after like the first year, but for me, my love for him intensifies with every moment I spend with him, with every little detail I observe. The more I get to know him, the more I understand him. And the more he understands me.
I do not have to worry about how I act around him. When I am with him, I act like MYSELF. I don't have to put on a fake smile when I am upset, and with him, laughter comes naturally.
I am happy. I hope in the future things would get even better. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this man.
Now it's a little different.
Now he IS my world. Now I cannot imagine living without him, or going without his voice for a day. My future is planned around him, and he is top on my priority list. Now, whenever I see him, I am not bouncy and excited, but I do have a burning feeling deep inside. It is not just lust and attraction anymore, pure deep love is added into the mix. He seems to be a part of me. It's awesome.
I think this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like. People get bored after like the first year, but for me, my love for him intensifies with every moment I spend with him, with every little detail I observe. The more I get to know him, the more I understand him. And the more he understands me.
I do not have to worry about how I act around him. When I am with him, I act like MYSELF. I don't have to put on a fake smile when I am upset, and with him, laughter comes naturally.
I am happy. I hope in the future things would get even better. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with this man.
A long drive
I have been slowly losing my sanity over this. My love will be transferring to a college three hours away, and though I know it's not as bad as across the country, it limits the times when I can see him.
I love him. And I want to be with him. As stupid and anti feminist this is, I would follow him to the ends of Earth. I don't care that I won't learn much about aerospace and mechanical engineering for a couple of years, the situation would actually turn out for the better because I could work part-time and pay off college instead of being in debt for the rest of my life.... I have this all planned out.
So I offered the idea of me tagging along while he would finish college. He asked me if that's what I want.
I don't care. If that is what would keep me closer to him, then I am an idiot for not thinking of it earlier. If it means I will get to see him every day instead of waiting at home for his call, then definitely. Sacrifice is giving up something good for something BETTER. And if it means going to a community college for a couple of years while he is finishing up in U of I, then that would make me the happiest person in the world.
I just don't want to be pushy and say "oh, and by the way, in a year we are moving in together and I will be with you in U of I." That sounds like it has major stalker potential. What I do want to do, is I want to let him know exactly how much he means to me, and, well, what I would do for him.
What I would expect in return would be patience with me. I will go to a community college while he is at U of I, and after he finishes and finds a job, I will transfer to a college that will be nearby. The more I think about this, though, the harder the situation seems. Where will his job be? By there, is there a college that teaches aerospace?
Will he even love me that far into the future? I really don't know.
I guess for as long as I am with him I will try to find solutions for the problems that have yet to come.
I love him. And I want to be with him. As stupid and anti feminist this is, I would follow him to the ends of Earth. I don't care that I won't learn much about aerospace and mechanical engineering for a couple of years, the situation would actually turn out for the better because I could work part-time and pay off college instead of being in debt for the rest of my life.... I have this all planned out.
So I offered the idea of me tagging along while he would finish college. He asked me if that's what I want.
I don't care. If that is what would keep me closer to him, then I am an idiot for not thinking of it earlier. If it means I will get to see him every day instead of waiting at home for his call, then definitely. Sacrifice is giving up something good for something BETTER. And if it means going to a community college for a couple of years while he is finishing up in U of I, then that would make me the happiest person in the world.
I just don't want to be pushy and say "oh, and by the way, in a year we are moving in together and I will be with you in U of I." That sounds like it has major stalker potential. What I do want to do, is I want to let him know exactly how much he means to me, and, well, what I would do for him.
What I would expect in return would be patience with me. I will go to a community college while he is at U of I, and after he finishes and finds a job, I will transfer to a college that will be nearby. The more I think about this, though, the harder the situation seems. Where will his job be? By there, is there a college that teaches aerospace?
Will he even love me that far into the future? I really don't know.
I guess for as long as I am with him I will try to find solutions for the problems that have yet to come.
Meow
Today, he said that the best thing that he has ever done is getting back in touch with me [before we started dating]. I am somewhat irritated (but impressed) that it took him that long to say something other than you shtink.
My happiest memory from our relationship is when he first kissed me. Earlier that day, I asked him if I could kiss him on the cheek. You know, nothing intense. He blushed and said ok. So I did.
Later on that day, my cat escaped from the backyard and went into the neighbors' yard. I did not want to jump a fence alone (I really am not a big fan of heights), so I called Charlie. I also thought this would be a decent (but not desperate lol) enough reason to get him to come over. So he did.
We were hanging out at my house (after saving my cat), and playing DDR. He played guitar. Before he left, and these are his exact words hah, he said "May I return the favor?" like this is some sort of business affair. Hah I laughed at him and said yes. It was sweet and short. I remember going to my room after he left, and thinking this was the greatest moment on earth. No emotion could compare to when you realize you are really, truly in love, and you cannot wait until you get to see that person again. I remember smelling the pillow (we were hanging out in my room, him playing the guitar), and never wanting to fall asleep because eventually the smell would go away, and I wanted it for as long as I could have it. I fell asleep clutching that pillow, and I do not recall a time before that day that I smiled so much. And was sincerely happy.
Before Charlie, I do not remember a single day of pure joy. I get offended when someone (ahem Kirill) points out something negative because in all honesty, I don't care. I have Charlie. Nothing I know of can make me as happy as hearing his voice. Or holding him close. Or kissing him... Blows my mind.
I want to do something big for our anniversary. I want to show him exactly what he means to me.
My happiest memory from our relationship is when he first kissed me. Earlier that day, I asked him if I could kiss him on the cheek. You know, nothing intense. He blushed and said ok. So I did.
Later on that day, my cat escaped from the backyard and went into the neighbors' yard. I did not want to jump a fence alone (I really am not a big fan of heights), so I called Charlie. I also thought this would be a decent (but not desperate lol) enough reason to get him to come over. So he did.
We were hanging out at my house (after saving my cat), and playing DDR. He played guitar. Before he left, and these are his exact words hah, he said "May I return the favor?" like this is some sort of business affair. Hah I laughed at him and said yes. It was sweet and short. I remember going to my room after he left, and thinking this was the greatest moment on earth. No emotion could compare to when you realize you are really, truly in love, and you cannot wait until you get to see that person again. I remember smelling the pillow (we were hanging out in my room, him playing the guitar), and never wanting to fall asleep because eventually the smell would go away, and I wanted it for as long as I could have it. I fell asleep clutching that pillow, and I do not recall a time before that day that I smiled so much. And was sincerely happy.
Before Charlie, I do not remember a single day of pure joy. I get offended when someone (ahem Kirill) points out something negative because in all honesty, I don't care. I have Charlie. Nothing I know of can make me as happy as hearing his voice. Or holding him close. Or kissing him... Blows my mind.
I want to do something big for our anniversary. I want to show him exactly what he means to me.
Little People
We went to Mitsuwa (Japanese store) to get some yum yums. While walking through the isles, we saw a cute little Asian girl talking to her dad. After we walked by her, Charlie said that she was a cute little person, and I said I like little people (how we refer to children). He hugged me and kissed my cheek.
And we watched pure pwnage, the dude talked about getting nooblets, and training them. *point where I roll eyes* Carlos laughed and kissed me.
I want a kid. Not now (obviously), but after college. I want a kid really badly. Yeah, the first half a year will be hell, but it's not like I have never seen that, I had a little sibling I had to take care of. I love everything about kids, the little noises that they make, how excited they get, how honest and innocent they are. Yeah they cry, but you just gotta make sure that they are fed, diaper is clean, and make little noises too to cheer them up XD. Idk, I guess having a kid is on the list of priorities in my fully adult life.
LOLOLOLROFLCOPTER
Charlie with kids. Lol if he saw a kid crying, he'd probably poke it and ask how to turn that thing off. I love him so much. If only he knew.
And we watched pure pwnage, the dude talked about getting nooblets, and training them. *point where I roll eyes* Carlos laughed and kissed me.
I want a kid. Not now (obviously), but after college. I want a kid really badly. Yeah, the first half a year will be hell, but it's not like I have never seen that, I had a little sibling I had to take care of. I love everything about kids, the little noises that they make, how excited they get, how honest and innocent they are. Yeah they cry, but you just gotta make sure that they are fed, diaper is clean, and make little noises too to cheer them up XD. Idk, I guess having a kid is on the list of priorities in my fully adult life.
LOLOLOLROFLCOPTER
Charlie with kids. Lol if he saw a kid crying, he'd probably poke it and ask how to turn that thing off. I love him so much. If only he knew.
I don't wanna grow up :(
I am stupid stupid stupid. To the three people (that I know), please comment. Only, I need honesty, not overzealous optimism.
I am afraid of leaving. Not limited to graduating early (I honestly couldn't care less about the school), but about the fact that I will be moving on with my life. I don't know what the future holds, whether Carlos will still love me, whether I will be in contact with my friends, whether my family can forgive me for leaving. I want to move on with my life, but I don't want to be alone.
What will happen with Carlos?
I hope (I wish, I really want it to happen) that he will still be with me. And if he is, what next? He is going to U of I, and that's a while away. What if he slowly forgets about me? Or finds someone else to fill the void...? And what do I want from him?
You know (no, you probably don't), my idea of the best present ever is an engagement ring for my eighteenth birthday. I have wanted that for so long. But why? I am stupid to believe in my romanticized idea of marriage. Do I want to get married to the man I love, or do I just want the experience of getting to be at the altar?
I want to be happy. Like at one point my mom was happy. Like Melly and Steve are happy now. They met two years ago, and he was very shy. She was talking to him one day, about how no one cares (one of those women conversations that tend to never end), and he just exploded, "You woman, don't you realize that I am crazy about you!?" From then on, they were together. They live in Sarasota now. And they are married. When I got to spend some time with them last year, it just made me so mad at how perfect they are for each other. I want that. I want to be assured of that.
And my friends. I don't have a car, and later on, I am sure I will be overwhelmed with work and school. How will we keep in touch? These people mean so much to me, the only reason school is so much fun is because I get to see them (and Weidner's amazingly sculpted ass lol), and we get to make comments like the above. Who will make fun of the way I say quarter? Who can I talk to when I want to vent about how men are complete and total clueless idiots? I don't know. Life won't be the same without them.
Man, my mom will not take to me leaving well. I know she will be happy for me, but when I leave, the waterworks will start. She only has my sister and myself. Undoubtedly she will feel alone. I don't know.
I don't want to grow up. I want to have a carefree happy life. Meh.
I am afraid of leaving. Not limited to graduating early (I honestly couldn't care less about the school), but about the fact that I will be moving on with my life. I don't know what the future holds, whether Carlos will still love me, whether I will be in contact with my friends, whether my family can forgive me for leaving. I want to move on with my life, but I don't want to be alone.
What will happen with Carlos?
I hope (I wish, I really want it to happen) that he will still be with me. And if he is, what next? He is going to U of I, and that's a while away. What if he slowly forgets about me? Or finds someone else to fill the void...? And what do I want from him?
You know (no, you probably don't), my idea of the best present ever is an engagement ring for my eighteenth birthday. I have wanted that for so long. But why? I am stupid to believe in my romanticized idea of marriage. Do I want to get married to the man I love, or do I just want the experience of getting to be at the altar?
I want to be happy. Like at one point my mom was happy. Like Melly and Steve are happy now. They met two years ago, and he was very shy. She was talking to him one day, about how no one cares (one of those women conversations that tend to never end), and he just exploded, "You woman, don't you realize that I am crazy about you!?" From then on, they were together. They live in Sarasota now. And they are married. When I got to spend some time with them last year, it just made me so mad at how perfect they are for each other. I want that. I want to be assured of that.
And my friends. I don't have a car, and later on, I am sure I will be overwhelmed with work and school. How will we keep in touch? These people mean so much to me, the only reason school is so much fun is because I get to see them (and Weidner's amazingly sculpted ass lol), and we get to make comments like the above. Who will make fun of the way I say quarter? Who can I talk to when I want to vent about how men are complete and total clueless idiots? I don't know. Life won't be the same without them.
Man, my mom will not take to me leaving well. I know she will be happy for me, but when I leave, the waterworks will start. She only has my sister and myself. Undoubtedly she will feel alone. I don't know.
I don't want to grow up. I want to have a carefree happy life. Meh.
Unedited ;)
My dream last night. Writing it down while it is still fresh in my mind. :) This was possibly the most realistic dream I have ever had.
Staying in a parked car with Charlie during a rainstorm. The heater on, us sitting together in the rain, the blurry reflection of the droplets making shifting shadows on his bare chest, outlining every muscle. Not another car within miles, silent except for the sound of the water quietly hitting the car. Our bodies close, almost completely covered by the warm folds of a blanket, my breathing deep as he kisses down my neck. His strong arms around me, revealing the hunger and passion, as my body is heating up. The touch of his fingertips giving me goosebumps, and as I shiver, he pulls me in closer. He starts kissing me lower and lower, until his hands are by my waist. Our completely unclothed bodies interlock, his fingers intertwine with mine, as his breathing is more shallow, and my heart cannot find the right rhythm...
(some is r rated hah)
... We lie down on the seat, his body right behind mine, trying to warm each other up under the oversized red blanket. As I turn to face him, his hands gently grab the sides of my face, and he pulls me in for a long, sure kiss. I turn my body to embrace him, and he warms me up by holding me closer.
"You're beautiful," he says, not like a question or a suggestion, but more like a nonchalant fact.
"And you have a great talent for sucking up," I reply.
"Stupid, stupid girl." He smiles and kisses my shoulder -covered by my tangled hair- and starts tracing circles on my back. "I love you, though." An unknown force tugs at my heart whenever he pronounces those three words, my breath gets caught, and I feel dizzy. He toys with my bangs, and kisses the tip of my nose. Seemingly tired, he brings my head down to his clavicle, as his breathing slows and steadies. I could feel his chest slowly rising and falling, his heartbeat, the pulse of his veins. His muscles relaxed as he drifted off into sleep.
I stay awake while I mentally save the contours of his face, so I could attempt to capture his perfection on paper later on. This man (for physically he can no longer pass for merely a teen), completely relaxed, and in my arms. He is everything I have ever wanted, and all I needed.
I must have fallen asleep too, for when I woke up, it was him looking at me with that goofy smile. "You're mine," he says while I yawn, still disoriented from awakening. On my left hand, I thought I saw a reflection of the dawn outside, when I noticed an elegant ring. "If you accept, we will be each others' forever."
I paused, unsure of what has just occured.
"Yan, I have been waiting for the right moment this entire time. I planned on doing something huge, but then I realized that if we are to celebrate our love, we have to celebrate it how we will for the rest of our lives. Together, and close. My dear, may I have your lovely hand in marriage?" He looked nervous, but definitely sure. I thought I saw a sparkle of fear cross his face, when I released the thought because there was nothing for him to fear.
"Yes."
His eyes light up, he hugs me tight, and does not let me say more as he starts kissing me while the sun slowly rises over the horizon, and we lose track of time.
Staying in a parked car with Charlie during a rainstorm. The heater on, us sitting together in the rain, the blurry reflection of the droplets making shifting shadows on his bare chest, outlining every muscle. Not another car within miles, silent except for the sound of the water quietly hitting the car. Our bodies close, almost completely covered by the warm folds of a blanket, my breathing deep as he kisses down my neck. His strong arms around me, revealing the hunger and passion, as my body is heating up. The touch of his fingertips giving me goosebumps, and as I shiver, he pulls me in closer. He starts kissing me lower and lower, until his hands are by my waist. Our completely unclothed bodies interlock, his fingers intertwine with mine, as his breathing is more shallow, and my heart cannot find the right rhythm...
(some is r rated hah)
... We lie down on the seat, his body right behind mine, trying to warm each other up under the oversized red blanket. As I turn to face him, his hands gently grab the sides of my face, and he pulls me in for a long, sure kiss. I turn my body to embrace him, and he warms me up by holding me closer.
"You're beautiful," he says, not like a question or a suggestion, but more like a nonchalant fact.
"And you have a great talent for sucking up," I reply.
"Stupid, stupid girl." He smiles and kisses my shoulder -covered by my tangled hair- and starts tracing circles on my back. "I love you, though." An unknown force tugs at my heart whenever he pronounces those three words, my breath gets caught, and I feel dizzy. He toys with my bangs, and kisses the tip of my nose. Seemingly tired, he brings my head down to his clavicle, as his breathing slows and steadies. I could feel his chest slowly rising and falling, his heartbeat, the pulse of his veins. His muscles relaxed as he drifted off into sleep.
I stay awake while I mentally save the contours of his face, so I could attempt to capture his perfection on paper later on. This man (for physically he can no longer pass for merely a teen), completely relaxed, and in my arms. He is everything I have ever wanted, and all I needed.
I must have fallen asleep too, for when I woke up, it was him looking at me with that goofy smile. "You're mine," he says while I yawn, still disoriented from awakening. On my left hand, I thought I saw a reflection of the dawn outside, when I noticed an elegant ring. "If you accept, we will be each others' forever."
I paused, unsure of what has just occured.
"Yan, I have been waiting for the right moment this entire time. I planned on doing something huge, but then I realized that if we are to celebrate our love, we have to celebrate it how we will for the rest of our lives. Together, and close. My dear, may I have your lovely hand in marriage?" He looked nervous, but definitely sure. I thought I saw a sparkle of fear cross his face, when I released the thought because there was nothing for him to fear.
"Yes."
His eyes light up, he hugs me tight, and does not let me say more as he starts kissing me while the sun slowly rises over the horizon, and we lose track of time.
Part dream, part made up
[random comments are thrown in in brackets]
We were laying by a tent in a forest. Stars drizzled across the cloudless black sky, and the grass was faintly wet around the blanket that we were laying on top of. The huge magnolia tree, surrounded by massive oaks, glistening with night dew, was alive with the sound of cicadas, and I was silent. It was sweet, he was holding my hand, and telling me about astronomy. He spoke of constellations I have not even heard of, and distant galaxies light years away. His eyes glistened while he went on one of his tangents on spaceships and satellites. With what passion he speaks whenever astronomy is brought up... makes everything else seem unimportant and miniscule.
"I wish you talked about me how you talk about the stars," I muttered mostly to myself. If only I was his obsession, his reason to live. This gorgeous man, who layed right by me, in the usual shirt and jeans, his hair glowing a light blue sheen under the moonlight.
"Silly Yana. I do. If you don't hear me talk about you, it doesn't mean I don't. I at times discuss you with my friends. And when my friends aren't around, I am left all to myself with thoughts of you. Thoughts of the smell of your hair [strange part of the dream considering the fact that he can't smell], the way your body feels right by mine when I hold you close, the way the taste of your lips lingers long after a kiss. You are brilliant, and by far more interesting and gorgeous than anything else in the universe."
[Sometimes I wish he talked like that in real life. I understand he is a little awkward with stuff like that (so am I, hah that's the reason only Justy reads this), but it would blow my mind if he said anything of the sort. Oh and he would not agree with the previous statement for many reasons, but this is not the time for discussion.]
"Why do you suck up? You know I'll still love you no matter what."
"Sometimes I don't understand you, Yan." He leaned in for a kiss. Our lips met, slow, gentle kisses that made me melt and my body completely relax. He moved in closer, running his hands through my hair, with them finally stopping behind my head. He paused. "I love you, you silly girl." His head tilted to the side, and his eyes narrowed at a thought of something that made him chuckle. This time he held me tight. Our lips still apart, his fingers gently tracing my cheekbone and my jaw, moving down my neck to my clavicle. Once by my shoulders, he tugs at a sleeve and bra strap so one of my shoulders is bare. He leans in to kiss the spot where my chest and neck meet. His lips grazed my neck while I tried to control my breathing. One of his hands finds a way under my shirt, and grabs my lower back, pulling myself towards him. His kisses become rougher, his body tense, while my shirt is getting partially destroyed by his efforts of taking it off.
We shift to bring the blanket on top of us, with the grass tickling my bare back and neck. He takes off his tshirt, as well, and presses his bare chest against mine.
Whatever chill there was from the moist grass soon receded as the combination of the blanket and his warm, hard body heated me up. The ultimate feeling of being one with him took over, and I have not felt like I ever wanted anything until I wanted him. Just like I have not felt pleasure until I had him within me, and I have not felt loneliness until we were two again. And like I have not felt love... until I first held him close.
The hours went by so quick that the next thing I knew, I could see the light pink and orange hue on the horizon, partially secluded by the numerous tree trunks.
We were laying under that blanket, covered in sweat and dew, skin glistening with the moisture. Shadows from the trees danced across his body as the sun slowly rose to the side of us. He pulled me close, kissed the back of my neck, traced lines on my bare torso, and then fell asleep, snoring slightly, the breath pattern shifting as he was diving into his subconsciousness, in a completely other world. I love how peaceful and sweet he looks whenever he sleeps, I could watch him all day.
I have him. He is mine. The divine combination of everything that I ever wanted in a man, and more, is holding me in his arms. It is moments like these that make me feel so asinine about ever doubting of whether what we have is real, about even wondering if it will last, thinking he would get tired of me. This brilliant, gorgeous, silly man has chosen me, of all people, to be with him.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
We were laying by a tent in a forest. Stars drizzled across the cloudless black sky, and the grass was faintly wet around the blanket that we were laying on top of. The huge magnolia tree, surrounded by massive oaks, glistening with night dew, was alive with the sound of cicadas, and I was silent. It was sweet, he was holding my hand, and telling me about astronomy. He spoke of constellations I have not even heard of, and distant galaxies light years away. His eyes glistened while he went on one of his tangents on spaceships and satellites. With what passion he speaks whenever astronomy is brought up... makes everything else seem unimportant and miniscule.
"I wish you talked about me how you talk about the stars," I muttered mostly to myself. If only I was his obsession, his reason to live. This gorgeous man, who layed right by me, in the usual shirt and jeans, his hair glowing a light blue sheen under the moonlight.
"Silly Yana. I do. If you don't hear me talk about you, it doesn't mean I don't. I at times discuss you with my friends. And when my friends aren't around, I am left all to myself with thoughts of you. Thoughts of the smell of your hair [strange part of the dream considering the fact that he can't smell], the way your body feels right by mine when I hold you close, the way the taste of your lips lingers long after a kiss. You are brilliant, and by far more interesting and gorgeous than anything else in the universe."
[Sometimes I wish he talked like that in real life. I understand he is a little awkward with stuff like that (so am I, hah that's the reason only Justy reads this), but it would blow my mind if he said anything of the sort. Oh and he would not agree with the previous statement for many reasons, but this is not the time for discussion.]
"Why do you suck up? You know I'll still love you no matter what."
"Sometimes I don't understand you, Yan." He leaned in for a kiss. Our lips met, slow, gentle kisses that made me melt and my body completely relax. He moved in closer, running his hands through my hair, with them finally stopping behind my head. He paused. "I love you, you silly girl." His head tilted to the side, and his eyes narrowed at a thought of something that made him chuckle. This time he held me tight. Our lips still apart, his fingers gently tracing my cheekbone and my jaw, moving down my neck to my clavicle. Once by my shoulders, he tugs at a sleeve and bra strap so one of my shoulders is bare. He leans in to kiss the spot where my chest and neck meet. His lips grazed my neck while I tried to control my breathing. One of his hands finds a way under my shirt, and grabs my lower back, pulling myself towards him. His kisses become rougher, his body tense, while my shirt is getting partially destroyed by his efforts of taking it off.
We shift to bring the blanket on top of us, with the grass tickling my bare back and neck. He takes off his tshirt, as well, and presses his bare chest against mine.
Whatever chill there was from the moist grass soon receded as the combination of the blanket and his warm, hard body heated me up. The ultimate feeling of being one with him took over, and I have not felt like I ever wanted anything until I wanted him. Just like I have not felt pleasure until I had him within me, and I have not felt loneliness until we were two again. And like I have not felt love... until I first held him close.
The hours went by so quick that the next thing I knew, I could see the light pink and orange hue on the horizon, partially secluded by the numerous tree trunks.
We were laying under that blanket, covered in sweat and dew, skin glistening with the moisture. Shadows from the trees danced across his body as the sun slowly rose to the side of us. He pulled me close, kissed the back of my neck, traced lines on my bare torso, and then fell asleep, snoring slightly, the breath pattern shifting as he was diving into his subconsciousness, in a completely other world. I love how peaceful and sweet he looks whenever he sleeps, I could watch him all day.
I have him. He is mine. The divine combination of everything that I ever wanted in a man, and more, is holding me in his arms. It is moments like these that make me feel so asinine about ever doubting of whether what we have is real, about even wondering if it will last, thinking he would get tired of me. This brilliant, gorgeous, silly man has chosen me, of all people, to be with him.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
A Russian Poem
Любовь парит под небесами
Ее так просто не поймать
А только двое, близких серцем
С небес таких и могут снять
Любовь тепла и безгранична,
Она везде, всегда, вокруг
И дарит любящим друг друга
Супруг ты или просто друг
Смотереть в глаза влюбленных страшно
Терятся там нам сужденно
И только в пламменых объятьях
Любовники минуют зло
Они теряются в любви
Им там приятней находится
Ведь только там и можно им
Парить с влюбленным прям как птица
Когда поимал ты свое счастье
То так и хочешь жизнь прожить
Ее глаза, ее улыбка
Вот только ей ты хочет жить
Вставать с улыбкой, любоваться
Как мирно дышит ее грудь
И нежно к лбу губам прижатся
И тихо вскликнуть I love you.
И видеть личико, спросонья
Без макияжа, в бледеном цвете
И восторгатся им, за то
Что красивее всех на свете
Любовь магическая штука,
Желаю всем ее найти
Чтоб никогда нам боятся
Того что будет впереди
Ее так просто не поймать
А только двое, близких серцем
С небес таких и могут снять
Любовь тепла и безгранична,
Она везде, всегда, вокруг
И дарит любящим друг друга
Супруг ты или просто друг
Смотереть в глаза влюбленных страшно
Терятся там нам сужденно
И только в пламменых объятьях
Любовники минуют зло
Они теряются в любви
Им там приятней находится
Ведь только там и можно им
Парить с влюбленным прям как птица
Когда поимал ты свое счастье
То так и хочешь жизнь прожить
Ее глаза, ее улыбка
Вот только ей ты хочет жить
Вставать с улыбкой, любоваться
Как мирно дышит ее грудь
И нежно к лбу губам прижатся
И тихо вскликнуть I love you.
И видеть личико, спросонья
Без макияжа, в бледеном цвете
И восторгатся им, за то
Что красивее всех на свете
Любовь магическая штука,
Желаю всем ее найти
Чтоб никогда нам боятся
Того что будет впереди
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
