Do'h

I hate reading stupid freaking Twilight. No one should be allowed to be that happy. And yeah Carlos will mock me because I will only say once that Edward isn't a complete and total prick, and that I am amazed at what a bitch Bella is.
I mean, it drives me insane that in New Moon he literally asks her to marry him, and she's like "hah where's the punchline?". Is she stupid? Isn't it obvious that he feels like shit for leaving her and that he would do anything to make her finally believe that he loves her?
It sucks. Idk, there is just a lot of stuff you can relate to real life (other than the fact that there are no sparkly vampires walking around... Thank god. *ooohhhh shiny!*

My point is, sometimes it feels like I am the only person trying. Like it doesn't even matter to him. Like "oh, yeah I have a girlfriend" and that's it. And it makes me feel like shit because I used to try so hard to let him know exactly how I feel about him, and I know I have said this a thousand times, but all I get back is "you shtink."

And I know this sounds stupid, but I want to hear him say that he wants to be with me. That he doesn't want anyone else. That... I don't even know. I told him so much, and I try to prove to him that I love him, but we are in an endless cycle of eat-watch tv-play WoW-go home. And I know that men around the world will cringe at just the thought of this, but I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FREAKING FEELINGS. Because if I don't, I become obsessive and emo, and we all know where that leads.

It just pissed me off so much because I could relate to how Edward felt. I tell the man, in one of the ENORMOUS letters I used to write before (before I realized he thinks they are cheezy and stupid), that he means more to me than anything else on earth. That I cannot imagine being close to an another man because I know he will get uncomfortable and jealous. That there is no person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and that I don't care what it takes, but I will try to let him know exactly how much he means to me.

I gave up my best friend, the man who sincerely and genuinely cared about me, the man on whose shoulder I cried on when stupid shit would get me down, and the man who always told me to cheer up and be happy because I had Charlie. HE LIKED CARLOS. He approved of him, even though I know it hurt him. And because of a stupid post he wrote, everything got blown out of proportion. I gave up my best friend because Charlie got jealous, and I care about what he thinks. I care about him, and I don't care how many more friends I have to give up (sorry guys). I'm sorry to my friends, but I don't care how many people I have to go through in order to be with him and to be his, because the truth is, it doesn't matter how many friends I have because if I don't have him...
... I know how to finish that sentence, but Justy would yell at me, so I'll just leave the space blank.

I hate the fact that he doesn't have a blog. That I don't know what's going through his head. I wish I just knew what he even thinks of me. But then again, he would rather jump of a building strapped to a bomb on a rocket that is making him plummet towards the earth than actually write down what he thinks.

I hate going to bed without Kisa. It fucks with my head. I always feel alone. I'm used to it. You were born alone, and you will die alone. No one will go with you into death, whether it leads you to becoming fertilizer or go onto clouds and play the freaking harp (personally, I would like to be a tree).

PS. This is also an old post, I wait until I have several, and then just put them up. I know I am wrong. I know he loves me, and he shows it in his own way. My only issue is that he never says anything. Now I'm left hoping one day he will tell me something like what I have told him. And if not, and getting me a companion pet in WoW is showing me that he loves me, that's fine as well hah. I especially love my mechanical squirrel XD.