April 10, 2010

Regarding pics of Charlie

Hope he forgot the URL to my blog hah. Not in his history.

I don't know what to say.
I have no reason to be angry or even jealous, he was not mine then, but it really hurts knowing that someone, anyone, held him in their arms before I came along. That really sucks.

I wish I even knew what to say to him. This post will be online long after I would have talked to him, but these are my thoughts beforehand.

I want to act angry. And jealous. Because I am. But I also know that is wrong. I am wrong now but here is my point;

1) I deleted pics of me and other guys (except one because my mom calls him Sexy Beast XD long story...), only because of my respect for Charlie. I think it's wrong having pictures of myself with other men since they have no claim on me. But Charlie has many pics of him and his chick friends. That bothers me... a lot. I barely have any pics of him and I, and he has more pictures of himself with other people than he does with me. He tells me that he doesn't like having pictures taken of himself, but it really doesn't look like it. Yeah.

2) How does he have no idea that that might be hurtful? That I would rather not see him with other women? Other women who look (unfortunately) much better than I do. It's not even annoying: it's like a freaking stab in the back. Further proof that I do not deserve him because there are many women much prettier (and probably smarter too) than I, and he should be with one of them.
It just sucks knowing that there were gorgeous women who used to hold him (shudder) before I came along. I really don't know why he settled for me.
Sigh.

That's why I'm dieting and working out. If he spends time at the gym, and if be runs, damn straight I will force myself to do that, as well. I will try my best for Charlie, because I want to feel confident enough in myself to not feel like breaking down every time I see the pic of him and the chick or his prom pictures.

Fuck, I don't even get to go to the prom. He thinks dances are stupid. Apparently they weren't for him his senior year, with so many pictures of him and the chick taken. And yet he doesn't want to do that for me.
Gee, thanks.

Gah, and shut the hell up about Abercrombie and Fitch. Great way of making me feel inferior.
1) I CANNOT AFFORD IT. Not everyone has brothers and parents willing to buy them anything.
2) I am not like your cousin, doing anything possible to get attention from men. I care about you, and I want the least attention to myself as possible, because I know it will piss you off if other men flirt with me. I don't care what I look like in school, I only try to look decent when I see you.
3) If you really think it's so great and attractive, why don't you date someone else? If it's so freaking important.

So to sum up.
1) I WANT TO GO TO PROM.
2) Say anything about A&F or Hollister again, I will shove your computer mouse down your throat.
3) I want to be self-confident and attractive enough to have no problem with the pictures. Unfortunately, I am neither. So do me a favor.

I'm done bitching. Peace.