My bad

Yeah I read everything that I wrote yesterday, and I gotta say, I'm a little stupid.
1) There is no point in completely changing myself only because some stupid woman pisses me off. Yeah her expression got to me yesterday, but it's not worth it. Yeah I will reduce my calorie intake, but I won't like starve myself. Eeew.
2) Yesterday it felt like I hate her. Like I would hurt her if I had the chance. Hah, now it's not even hate, it's indifference. I just don't care about her. She can say whatever she wants, I know I am better than her in several ways. Not worth it.
3) I hate being angry. Whenever I am angry, I just DON'T TALK. At all. And I know Charlie felt stupid when I just lay down and not say anything. I decided after some time of the awkward silence to give the man a break and laughed at a joke a dude made in The Matrix.
4) I have to learn how to CALM THE HELL DOWN. WoW works. Working out works. Drawing works. Shit, even writing. But the thing that bothers me A LOT is the fact that I can't talk to Charlie. I can write, but talking about stuff doesn't come naturally to me. And it's sad because there is SOOOO much that I want to talk about, I actually WANT to know his opinion, but I just can't start up a conversation. Hmm. All I can do is hope that he brings something up because answering is just easier. And it's not like it's a trust thing, I would tell the man anything, but it's just it's complicated for me to talk. Feels awkward and strange. Sad panda face.

All in all, I'm excited for Science Olympiad state. I get to spend two days with two of my women, no dudes or parents involved hah. I'd probably spend half the night playing wow, but what the hell. We will go swimming, and look all sexy and stuff. Lol no one to look sexy in front of but what the hell XD. I just need a break from school (feels strange to say since I got off of spring break hah), and I definitely need a break from home.

I'm just writing about everything, I guess. Charlie and I watched some movie about a guy who lost his short-term memory (haha Hippocampus...) and in it, a chick lost her husband or whatever. Thinking back to the movie, I don't know what I would have done if I was in her place. I would have probably ended up in prison, would have killed the guy who shot him. And not just killed, I would have torchured the motherfucker. Well, the one-sided conversation is taking a morbid turn, so I will move on.

I remember writing a blog post on my old blog about how I hated being alone. Now I am taken, but I still feel alone going to bed. He isn't right by my side when I want him most. And although a part of me is sad, a larger portion is happy because it makes me look towards the future. If he decides there is a future for us. Just it would be so nice to hold him close as I fall asleep.

I don't know my mood hah. It's kind of meh. Just tired, I guess. Out of all the things I want in life, (at least right now) Charlie is my priority. And although that's stupid in some ways, that's what makes me happy. I don't care about colleges anymore because my only one choice is U of I. And although I honestly dislike the school, it doesn't matter. Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. And Charlie is so much better.

Hmm. Good night.