I don't wanna grow up :(

I am stupid stupid stupid. To the three people (that I know), please comment. Only, I need honesty, not overzealous optimism.

I am afraid of leaving. Not limited to graduating early (I honestly couldn't care less about the school), but about the fact that I will be moving on with my life. I don't know what the future holds, whether Carlos will still love me, whether I will be in contact with my friends, whether my family can forgive me for leaving. I want to move on with my life, but I don't want to be alone.

What will happen with Carlos?
I hope (I wish, I really want it to happen) that he will still be with me. And if he is, what next? He is going to U of I, and that's a while away. What if he slowly forgets about me? Or finds someone else to fill the void...? And what do I want from him?

You know (no, you probably don't), my idea of the best present ever is an engagement ring for my eighteenth birthday. I have wanted that for so long. But why? I am stupid to believe in my romanticized idea of marriage. Do I want to get married to the man I love, or do I just want the experience of getting to be at the altar?
I want to be happy. Like at one point my mom was happy. Like Melly and Steve are happy now. They met two years ago, and he was very shy. She was talking to him one day, about how no one cares (one of those women conversations that tend to never end), and he just exploded, "You woman, don't you realize that I am crazy about you!?" From then on, they were together. They live in Sarasota now. And they are married. When I got to spend some time with them last year, it just made me so mad at how perfect they are for each other. I want that. I want to be assured of that.

And my friends. I don't have a car, and later on, I am sure I will be overwhelmed with work and school. How will we keep in touch? These people mean so much to me, the only reason school is so much fun is because I get to see them (and Weidner's amazingly sculpted ass lol), and we get to make comments like the above. Who will make fun of the way I say quarter? Who can I talk to when I want to vent about how men are complete and total clueless idiots? I don't know. Life won't be the same without them.

Man, my mom will not take to me leaving well. I know she will be happy for me, but when I leave, the waterworks will start. She only has my sister and myself. Undoubtedly she will feel alone. I don't know.

I don't want to grow up. I want to have a carefree happy life. Meh.