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EMAIL I WROTE TO KIRILL

It's funny because when I read your email, I was in the parking lot of Wheeling High School trying to read while Carlos was sleeping.
It was a... complicated night. We (Carlos, his friends and I) went to see one of his other friends' fights (he's a fighter), and it had ring girls and everything. Holly shit I wished I looked like that. Carlos turned away every time one went on the ring, idk if either because of respect to me or because if he didn't I would rip his face off, but either way I appreciate it. I am just so insecure about myself, I came in short shorts and here are women three of who could fit into one of my thighs hah.
No but yeah, the HILARIOUS part was when I was bored for like half an hour before the fight began. We were sitting there, Carlos talking to his friends, and me listening to music. One of his friends was bitching about how he's lonely, and I decided to have some fun.
I went to the first level (we were sitting in the bleachers), and I was talking to a hot ring girl. She's black, and HOLLY SHIT I loved her ass. I'm taking this moment to remind you that I am still straight. Lol you know how I have a way with women? I convinced her (after some shameless flirting) to go up to where we were sitting and give Charlie's friend a hug. He was so embarassed but that made it even funnier. When she and I were walking up the bleachers, Carlos had the biggest WHAT THE FUCK face, and that made my day. I think he thinks I'm a lesbian now XD. I gotta tell this all to Justyna hah.
No but yeah. We didn't stay for Relay. My head hurt and he was sleepy, so he just dropped me off. Big day tomorrow, though. He got me a necklace (hilarious story behind that as well, holly shit I have so much to tell you when we talk hah) with a kitty on it (he knows I LOVE my Kisa). I thought it was very thoughtful because it would be nice to have something that reminds me of him on me. Especially when he goes to U of I. But I don't want to cry, so I'll move on to an another subject.
Man, feels just like yesterday that I would run to you at lit and tell you everything that happened. I remember freaking out because there seemed no way that such an amazing guy like him could ever be with me. And I find it funny how he is self-conscious and he thinks he doesn't look good. I find him very attractive and... sexy. But maybe I'm biased hah. It almost seems like he thinks that if he doesn't go to the gym, that I won't love him anymore. Can't believe he would think I'm so superficial. Sigh. You men.
It's Saturday night (technically Sunday morning), and I am in my bed, in awe that today is mine and his anniversary. Doesn't seem right. Doesn't seem like I show him exactly how much he means to me. I still wholeheartedly believe that he deserves better. But that's me.

And yes, I agree, when he holds me, I want to feel protected. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but I feel safe in his arms. And even though I know there is practically no man whose ass I can't kick, I am still afraid... Every time I see Brian I just want to run away and cry. But then Charlie holds me close, and that feeling is gone; like I don't even know what it felt like from the start. I was crying once because Brian hit me on a Wednesday before Charlie picked me up, and Carlos just held me. And I felt OK. And when I had to give Commander his bike (I borrowed his bike for a week), Carlos went with me (it was on a Wednesday), and I wasn't scared of Brian when my Charlie was there.
Even though Carlos can't do anything (Brian is still a minor and Carlos can get his ass landed in jail), I would pay big bucks to see Charlie knock his ass out. So the little bitch can know what it's like to be picked on by someone bigger. Agh I would kill to see Charlie kick his ass. Maybe I'm just primed (psychology term) from the fight I saw today (it was fucking EPIC), but oh man. Sigh. That will never happen though, Charlie isn't violent, and he could get into a lot of trouble, which I don't want. But hey, I can still dream, right? Hah.

I feel bad for Justyna. I don't know exactly what she's going through, but I understand it. She loves Kriss, no doubt about that, but it is very frustrating not being able to be close to someone you love. That makes me afraid of what would happen when Charlie is at U of I. God, I already know that I will blow shit out of proportion because it seems like the kind of thing I would do. I would freak out, and he would feel like crap, when it's not even his fault. I guess a tiny part of me hoped that he wouldn't get accepted (I know THATS HORRIBLE, but I can't help it). But I'm going to put on that fake smile and... smile.

Things would be much easier for the two of us if you were just my brother hah. That way, I can talk to you without feeling guilty, and you and Charlie won't hate each other. That hurts me. My best friend and my boyfriend dislike each other, and that makes me choose. I chose, and that led to us not talking for a long time. I'm sorry, but it had to be done. In all honesty, if Charlie had asked me to stop talking to you now, I would. Because I think of how I would feel if I were in his place, and because I am rage + irritation, if I were him, I would have killed you. Not to that extreme, but still. I just want you to understand, I love him. And I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. And although I love you too, that is different because you are my best friend. I would do anything to make you happy unless it messes with what Charlie and I have. I have told you this before, and maybe I will eventually say it again, but I am stressing the fact that there are boundaries. And God damn, I wish the two of you would stop being petty and at least TRY to get along. Ugh men.

I hate how this society views marriage. When we were in the car, Carlos and his friends would freaking groan when it was mentioned, I don't even remember how. That makes me sad. I want to get married. You're Russian, you get it. To Americans, they treat it as if the man is freaking dying. Yeah you lose some freedom, but you gain so much more. And if you love the person, it should be beyond worth it.
Carlos hates rings. He asked me if men have to wear wedding rings as well, and when I told him yes, he had a disgusted look on his face. I feel like I am being blunt, but grow the hell up. I think that he still doesn't get it. Sigh. Whatever. Marriage is what I want in the long run, so if he doesn't like that, I guess I have to find myself a girlfriend. Since I'm so great with the ladies. Gay sex freaks me out, though. Nvm, we already discussed this.

Well, I'm tired. I wish I knew what the future was like. If the things I am doing are worth it. Ugh, idk. Peace out homeskillet.

EMAIL HE WROTE BACK (parts)

-"I'm happy that you had a good time and even got some sexy black chick to hug one of his friends. Haha. I know I would feel special if that happened to me lmao.
Yea...I remember way back when...You were telling me about this awesome guy and how you hope to be with him, but you were like "Nah it'll never happen, a guy like that has a million girls around him, he will never choose me". Well, I think it was more of you choosing him than him choosing you. Mhm. But yes, I clearly remember that moment."

My thinking; yeah, I remember talking to Kirill the day after I started talking to Carlos again. And talking to him after Charlie and I went out for coffee. I told this man so much, and he knows every single thing that I have thought about Charlie. Stuff that even Charlie doesn't know. Kirill's position (having to listen to me endlessly blah it out about Charlie) must be painful, but he is a good friend. I appreciate that.

-"I personally think that the worst feeling is being close but not loving. Like say Bri and I. We were close, kinda hugged and held hands once, but there was no love. And it was cruel pain...for me at least...I don't think that it was that for her. An even stronger pain is being close to someone but not being able to love. That also hurts."

My thinking; I want to smack him when he writes stuff like that. Pisses me the hell off. But I'm PMSing, so I will be nice and smile. SMACK HIM.

-"BTW. " I still wholeheartedly believe that he deserves better. But that's me." Pardon my French, but that's Bullshit. There isn't any better. I'll leave it at that."

My thinking; this made me smile. Maybe I don't completely hate myself. Just a little. Compliments are nice.

-" " (I know THATS HORRIBLE, but I can't help it)" Oh that's not horrible....just like that Scrubs episode where Carla wanted to throw the baby out the window. It's perfectly alright...just don't let yourself realize these kinds of thoughts. Don't throw the baby lol

My thinking; throwing babies out the window... Classic. I love Scrubs.


The thing that made me a little sad is how he was upset that I would leave my friends for Charlie. He had some good points. And since neither one of them reads the blog, I will say this.

I don't care.

I don't care because these past couple of days made me realize exactly how much Charlie means to me and how much I love him. I don't care who I would have to lose in order to be with him. If something bothers him, damn straight I am going to stop it. I don't care for anything that doesn't involve him because if I didn't have him, nothing else would matter to me anymore.
1) I can't tell that to Charlie because he will think the above passage is incredibly lame.
2) I can't tell that to Kirill because it will hurt him. And I don't like to do that.

But yeah. I guess this post is done.