I had a long-ish talk with my cousin today. We haven't seen each other in over a year, if not more. A lot has changed.

We started discussing Charlie in Russian, which was a tad rude because he was right by us. It wasn't anything bad, though. She asked me if I love him. I answered that of course, we have been together for a year. And she asked me if it was serious. That I did not know how to answer. I love him, and I do want to be with him. I know he loves me too, but I don't think he would be able to stick it out in the long run. Personally, I am amazed at how different he is from other men, but I know that it will be damn hard for him when he is at U of I surrounded by people of much highe caliber than myself, and not being able to see each other will make him... not forget about me, but distance himself from me. He'll start talking to other girls, and one thing leads to the next, and I'm alone. God, I am not religious in any meaning of the word, but I will pray every single day if it means he gets to come home to me. And be mine.

From his point of view, it must be egh being with me. I was horrible for the past month-ish, this happy week of hell drove me insane. I cried for no reason, and I yelled at him for the smallest stuff. We joke around about it, but he must have been miserable. I am really really sorry. And that in consideration, thinking long term, he won't be able to take it (shit I know I won't) if something like this ever happened again. This is my OCD, I desperately try to improve myself, thinking that that would make him happy. And then I see women who look better, or who are smarter, or who are just better than me in every single way, and I want to break down. He should be with them, not with me. I can't keep him away from them; there is nothing I could ever do to make him not want to look at other women. Gah.

Today Carlos made fun of the uber rich people, "OMG my parents got me a black corvette when I wanted a red one, I want to die." I told him that last year I really did want to die. He said "oh yeah?" jokingly. Yeah. I did. I walked in the middle of Palatine road over the little hill thing so no one will see me coming. A really fast car went by, and I felt myself get closer to it as it went by. I ended up in the middle of the road, by some traffic sign thing, crying and so confused. I was just tired of everyone treating me like a failure, of Brian beating the hell out of me, of my own best friend Evelyn not talking to me for over half a year when then I could have used her the most. I was tired of not meeting anyone's standards, and even worse, failing my own.
Another time, my mom got drunk and took out the three guns we had in the house. She was playing around, joking about going to shoot them in the backyard, and was really moody. When she passed out, I hid those guns in random places in my room. I had the magnum right by my pillow, though. For some reason I got it out of the bag loaded (who the fuck would keep a loaded gun in a house with a little kid!?). I put it to my head, and I wanted to shoot it more than anything in the world. But I failed at that too. Not only do I fail at living, I fail at trying to kill myself, too. I thought of myself as a pest, someone who does more damage than good.
I'm crying. What if I was dead? What if I did have enough strength in myself to pull the fucking trigger? I would have died quickly, it wasn't the pain that I was worried about. Pain I knew a lot about. Go to school stoned, fail at every class, get my ass literally kicked out of a moving car by Brian and his friends, and go home to listen to a lecture from my mother about how I am a failure. Yeah mommy, I am. And the next day was the same, although instead of getting kicked out of a car, I got my ribs shattered at Lake Arlington with white plastic pipes while I am running in the middle of the night. X-Rays are expensive as all hell.  Yeah pain was fun. People often ask me, "why the hell did you fail classes last year?!" I wonder what they would have done if they were in my place.

But if I did pull it, I would have never been with Charlie. He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And I would rather go through what last year was like for the rest of my life than lose him.

I like Kisa because she comforts me when I cry. She cuddles up to me, and starts purring, and I can't help but smile. There will be many nights that I will spend crying once Carlos moves away, but at least I will have my Kisa. And as always, I will put on a happy face for him because God forbid he will be sad. I don't want him to be sad. His life is easy, and I want to do as much as possible to keep it that way. He is the one that smiles; he doesn't seem broken like my friends and I.
Justyna has had a messed up life as well. Men are pricks, and we learned that the hard way. No amount of weed, smoking, drinking or even heroin can change that. Same can be said about Betsy, she seems sad because she cannot find someone who actually treats her decently and who will be there for her. And Kirill... well that dumbass is still hung up on a bitch that broke his heart two years ago. Yeah.

I don't know what else to include. I wish I could wipe out an entire year worth of memories. Maybe if I asked Carlos out my freshman year, we would have been together. And maybe all that shit wouldn't have happened. Just maybe. Ugh. Whatever.

I guess I'm done. KTNXBAI.