So yeah I went from barely ever writing to writing three posts in one day hah.
I thought about it for a little today. Maybe I shouldn't graduate early. If I don't, I wouldn't miss out on scholarships, and I would get to take AP classes. And no waste of money that comes from summer school.
I might even be able to go to Harper for free because my ACT was 31 (hoping to get it higher on my ACT next week because on the one I took last time, the science portion was pure hell). And although I admit I haven't been working really hard, I know I can change that. And I am already working on it. Funny how things change when you are happy hah.
I know I will have bad days in the future, especially when he is far away. But I'm doing this bizarre and alien thing (at least to me) called "looking at the bright side." It's actually nice.
Man, I was freaking out about EVERYTHING. Now I feel OK with him going to U of I. I admit it's a great school and I won't have a problem with anything he does (unless he is partying because if I am not, I expect him to do the same). He is brilliant, and I know he will do well with Astronomy hah. Hopefully one day I can join him in U of I, and do Physics or Engineering.
I was freaking out about EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF (hah) but for some strange reason, Charlie likes me the way I am. And although I still don't like the way I look, the fact that he loves me greatly comforts me.
I have to admit, I didn't have such a great start in Physics, but I actually do the work now ad HOLLY SHIT it is fun as all hell. I really enjoy it, and I can't wait until AP Physics next year.
Nice to feel happy again. Hopefully I won't mess it up with my neuroticism any time in the near future hah.
:)
Nice people don't punch other people in the face. (lol)
I am a nice person. But HOLLY SHIT I get jealous. We were in the hair salon, and while he was getting the hair cut, I was dangerously coming close to coming up to the woman (who was coming dangerously close to flirting with him EVEN WITH ME THERE) and just ever-so-politely stabbing her in the face. I'm not worried about him, he was very sweet, and even brought me up a couple of times, but HOLLY SHIT SHE PISSES ME OFF. No way am I going to get my hair cut there, ever.Adrenaline is fun; I'm not cold, but I feel like I am shivering.
Haha he said it was his birthday, and she asked if he got anything special. He said he got a Physics problem that was pretty special. I love him because he jokes about Physics XD.
I'm going to give that woman a Columbian necktie. I'm in control and happy hah. But if she runs her hands through his hair one more time, she might be missing an entire arm pretty soon.
But enough with the jealosy hah. He handled the situation well. That makes me happy. The fact that he did well with that whore's boobs right next to him makes me a lot less nervous about him going to U of I. That's good. I like believing he can handle being around other women. Yays :)
Yeah I need a haircut. U had highlights, and my highlights are at my shoulder height (very long hair hah). I want to get highlights again, and maybe cut it a little shorter. But enough of woman talk :). Maybe go tan in the backyard hah, I'm very pale (ew). Oh, who cares.
Oh he's almost done! Uh oh I hear whirring. There go the sideburns :(.
Haha he said it was his birthday, and she asked if he got anything special. He said he got a Physics problem that was pretty special. I love him because he jokes about Physics XD.
I'm going to give that woman a Columbian necktie. I'm in control and happy hah. But if she runs her hands through his hair one more time, she might be missing an entire arm pretty soon.
But enough with the jealosy hah. He handled the situation well. That makes me happy. The fact that he did well with that whore's boobs right next to him makes me a lot less nervous about him going to U of I. That's good. I like believing he can handle being around other women. Yays :)
Yeah I need a haircut. U had highlights, and my highlights are at my shoulder height (very long hair hah). I want to get highlights again, and maybe cut it a little shorter. But enough of woman talk :). Maybe go tan in the backyard hah, I'm very pale (ew). Oh, who cares.
Oh he's almost done! Uh oh I hear whirring. There go the sideburns :(.
Waiting...
Yeah so I kind of miscalculated the amount of time it will take me to get cake and yum Yuma for Carlos, and I am stuck in a room by his garage for another, oh, 50 minutes until he comes home hah. The shrimp from Panda would definitely have gotten cold by then, but whatever.
Gayfish has been pissing me off lately. He acts like he is the smartest man on earth, and GOD FORBID I have to do a lab with him; Kirby and him are always like, "MY WAY IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG." Oh yeah? Well, if your male brain has skipped the part of what I'm actually doing, WE ARE DOING THE SAME THING. And he ALWAYS judges Justy and I. That pisses me off. He is no one to compare his life to mine, or hers, and to tell us how to live it right.
I'm living my life right. At least now. I'm not being obsessive like I was before (I really hope that was PMS speaking, and not me hah), and I smile a lot more. I actually get homework done and read Physics for funsies. I like Physics. It makes sense. Hate (HATE!) history. Lit is alright since I admit I am a grammar Nazi IRL. God forbid someone says "me and my friend" or "I'm doing good" as opposed to I'm doing well. But moving on.
God, Charlie is 20 today. Although that makes me freak out a little as far as him still wanting to be with me is concerned, it BLOWS MY MIND because I still feel like I am 10 hah. I still make stupid (the lamest you can think of) jokes. Especially about science hah. I get excited about the smallest stuff, especially if it's something adorable in WoW. And yet, sometimes I feel like I am older than most people.
I learned that I shouldn't be upset for no reason. The person you love can be gone anytime, and you would regret it. That's why I feel like shit right now; my mom and I are currently not on speaking terms.
I learned to keep my expectations low. Harder to get hurt and disappointed that way.
I learned that I'm not that great. Ego is in check now.
Charlie helped me learn that not all men are stupid, inconsiderate assholes. I truly used to believe that. And that sucked.
Ugh, idk.
I know when you are young, you cannot wait until you get out of the house, and until you are independent. Then, you look back with 20-20 hindsight, and you want to go back to the time when everything was given to you. In college, you are completely on your own. Even food and clothing you have to buy yourself. And oh man, if you work, then you have to deal with TAXES. Haha ownage. That sucks.
An hour ago, I was walking to Charlie's house, eager to tell him happy bday and I love him, and now I am thinking about the future. I just hope there would be other birthdays, many more, that I can be a part of. All I want.
I gotta go pee...
I'll just go now hah.
Gayfish has been pissing me off lately. He acts like he is the smartest man on earth, and GOD FORBID I have to do a lab with him; Kirby and him are always like, "MY WAY IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG." Oh yeah? Well, if your male brain has skipped the part of what I'm actually doing, WE ARE DOING THE SAME THING. And he ALWAYS judges Justy and I. That pisses me off. He is no one to compare his life to mine, or hers, and to tell us how to live it right.
I'm living my life right. At least now. I'm not being obsessive like I was before (I really hope that was PMS speaking, and not me hah), and I smile a lot more. I actually get homework done and read Physics for funsies. I like Physics. It makes sense. Hate (HATE!) history. Lit is alright since I admit I am a grammar Nazi IRL. God forbid someone says "me and my friend" or "I'm doing good" as opposed to I'm doing well. But moving on.
God, Charlie is 20 today. Although that makes me freak out a little as far as him still wanting to be with me is concerned, it BLOWS MY MIND because I still feel like I am 10 hah. I still make stupid (the lamest you can think of) jokes. Especially about science hah. I get excited about the smallest stuff, especially if it's something adorable in WoW. And yet, sometimes I feel like I am older than most people.
I learned that I shouldn't be upset for no reason. The person you love can be gone anytime, and you would regret it. That's why I feel like shit right now; my mom and I are currently not on speaking terms.
I learned to keep my expectations low. Harder to get hurt and disappointed that way.
I learned that I'm not that great. Ego is in check now.
Charlie helped me learn that not all men are stupid, inconsiderate assholes. I truly used to believe that. And that sucked.
Ugh, idk.
I know when you are young, you cannot wait until you get out of the house, and until you are independent. Then, you look back with 20-20 hindsight, and you want to go back to the time when everything was given to you. In college, you are completely on your own. Even food and clothing you have to buy yourself. And oh man, if you work, then you have to deal with TAXES. Haha ownage. That sucks.
An hour ago, I was walking to Charlie's house, eager to tell him happy bday and I love him, and now I am thinking about the future. I just hope there would be other birthdays, many more, that I can be a part of. All I want.
I gotta go pee...
I'll just go now hah.
Sad hace
I never told this to Charlie. All he knows is one of my friends died. I might have told this to Justy at one point or another, but I pretty much tell her everything, so I'm not sure. And if you want to be an ass, and not believe me, look it up. Should be online somewhere.
This fucked with my mind.
Last year, I ditched an entire day. I went to Hersey (high school), and with a bunch of people I didn't even know (which was somewhat terrifying), I went to some church.
One of my friends died last year. Her name was Monica. Shit, to this very day I cannot pronounce her last name because it was Polish hah. We weren't extremely close, but I went there not only to say goodbye, but to make sure her boyfriend was alright.
She was a Hersey student. So was he.
One night they went to a party, something went wrong, blahse blahse, she and her BF left early. While he was walking her home, she got ran over by a drunk driver.
The thing that fucked with my mind, and the reason I had to be there for him, he saw her die. The person he loved most in the world. She died right in front of him, telling him she loves him, and telling him to tell her mom she was sorry.
I cannot imagine what it must be like to be him. Unfortunately, I saw him while her mom was speaking in front of the church (mostly in Polish, but I could catch on some stuff). I saw him, and he looked empty. A normally gorgeous and smiling guy was sitting in the rows to the right of the casket, holding his head between his hands, and he started crying. His eyes were sunken, and he looked like he just took a serious beating.
It's still hard to believe that the man saw his girlfriend die in front of him, and came out in one piece. I would have jumped under the next passing car.
This is an old post. I wrote it after Charlie and I watched Children of Men, and the guy saw his wife get shot. I came home that night, and I cried. The movie got it wrong. The man isn't supposed to freaking function afterwards. He sat down by a tree, cried, and left. And that is not how it works.
I've thought about death a lot. I'm not afraid to die. I can guarantee you, there were times when I wanted to die, but I was smart enough to look towards the future.
I wouldn't let anything happen to Charlie. If not for his sake, then for mine. I can't stand the thought of not being with him, but the thought of having him permanently removed? Nope, I'd be right behind him. I am willing to die (I have thought of the consequences of that statement). Without him, life is... dark. And disappointing. And just plain not worth it.
Rest of post deleted.
This fucked with my mind.
Last year, I ditched an entire day. I went to Hersey (high school), and with a bunch of people I didn't even know (which was somewhat terrifying), I went to some church.
One of my friends died last year. Her name was Monica. Shit, to this very day I cannot pronounce her last name because it was Polish hah. We weren't extremely close, but I went there not only to say goodbye, but to make sure her boyfriend was alright.
She was a Hersey student. So was he.
One night they went to a party, something went wrong, blahse blahse, she and her BF left early. While he was walking her home, she got ran over by a drunk driver.
The thing that fucked with my mind, and the reason I had to be there for him, he saw her die. The person he loved most in the world. She died right in front of him, telling him she loves him, and telling him to tell her mom she was sorry.
I cannot imagine what it must be like to be him. Unfortunately, I saw him while her mom was speaking in front of the church (mostly in Polish, but I could catch on some stuff). I saw him, and he looked empty. A normally gorgeous and smiling guy was sitting in the rows to the right of the casket, holding his head between his hands, and he started crying. His eyes were sunken, and he looked like he just took a serious beating.
It's still hard to believe that the man saw his girlfriend die in front of him, and came out in one piece. I would have jumped under the next passing car.
This is an old post. I wrote it after Charlie and I watched Children of Men, and the guy saw his wife get shot. I came home that night, and I cried. The movie got it wrong. The man isn't supposed to freaking function afterwards. He sat down by a tree, cried, and left. And that is not how it works.
I've thought about death a lot. I'm not afraid to die. I can guarantee you, there were times when I wanted to die, but I was smart enough to look towards the future.
I wouldn't let anything happen to Charlie. If not for his sake, then for mine. I can't stand the thought of not being with him, but the thought of having him permanently removed? Nope, I'd be right behind him. I am willing to die (I have thought of the consequences of that statement). Without him, life is... dark. And disappointing. And just plain not worth it.
Rest of post deleted.
Do'h
I hate reading stupid freaking Twilight. No one should be allowed to be that happy. And yeah Carlos will mock me because I will only say once that Edward isn't a complete and total prick, and that I am amazed at what a bitch Bella is.
I mean, it drives me insane that in New Moon he literally asks her to marry him, and she's like "hah where's the punchline?". Is she stupid? Isn't it obvious that he feels like shit for leaving her and that he would do anything to make her finally believe that he loves her?
It sucks. Idk, there is just a lot of stuff you can relate to real life (other than the fact that there are no sparkly vampires walking around... Thank god. *ooohhhh shiny!*
My point is, sometimes it feels like I am the only person trying. Like it doesn't even matter to him. Like "oh, yeah I have a girlfriend" and that's it. And it makes me feel like shit because I used to try so hard to let him know exactly how I feel about him, and I know I have said this a thousand times, but all I get back is "you shtink."
And I know this sounds stupid, but I want to hear him say that he wants to be with me. That he doesn't want anyone else. That... I don't even know. I told him so much, and I try to prove to him that I love him, but we are in an endless cycle of eat-watch tv-play WoW-go home. And I know that men around the world will cringe at just the thought of this, but I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FREAKING FEELINGS. Because if I don't, I become obsessive and emo, and we all know where that leads.
It just pissed me off so much because I could relate to how Edward felt. I tell the man, in one of the ENORMOUS letters I used to write before (before I realized he thinks they are cheezy and stupid), that he means more to me than anything else on earth. That I cannot imagine being close to an another man because I know he will get uncomfortable and jealous. That there is no person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and that I don't care what it takes, but I will try to let him know exactly how much he means to me.
I gave up my best friend, the man who sincerely and genuinely cared about me, the man on whose shoulder I cried on when stupid shit would get me down, and the man who always told me to cheer up and be happy because I had Charlie. HE LIKED CARLOS. He approved of him, even though I know it hurt him. And because of a stupid post he wrote, everything got blown out of proportion. I gave up my best friend because Charlie got jealous, and I care about what he thinks. I care about him, and I don't care how many more friends I have to give up (sorry guys). I'm sorry to my friends, but I don't care how many people I have to go through in order to be with him and to be his, because the truth is, it doesn't matter how many friends I have because if I don't have him...
... I know how to finish that sentence, but Justy would yell at me, so I'll just leave the space blank.
I hate the fact that he doesn't have a blog. That I don't know what's going through his head. I wish I just knew what he even thinks of me. But then again, he would rather jump of a building strapped to a bomb on a rocket that is making him plummet towards the earth than actually write down what he thinks.
I hate going to bed without Kisa. It fucks with my head. I always feel alone. I'm used to it. You were born alone, and you will die alone. No one will go with you into death, whether it leads you to becoming fertilizer or go onto clouds and play the freaking harp (personally, I would like to be a tree).
PS. This is also an old post, I wait until I have several, and then just put them up. I know I am wrong. I know he loves me, and he shows it in his own way. My only issue is that he never says anything. Now I'm left hoping one day he will tell me something like what I have told him. And if not, and getting me a companion pet in WoW is showing me that he loves me, that's fine as well hah. I especially love my mechanical squirrel XD.
I mean, it drives me insane that in New Moon he literally asks her to marry him, and she's like "hah where's the punchline?". Is she stupid? Isn't it obvious that he feels like shit for leaving her and that he would do anything to make her finally believe that he loves her?
It sucks. Idk, there is just a lot of stuff you can relate to real life (other than the fact that there are no sparkly vampires walking around... Thank god. *ooohhhh shiny!*
My point is, sometimes it feels like I am the only person trying. Like it doesn't even matter to him. Like "oh, yeah I have a girlfriend" and that's it. And it makes me feel like shit because I used to try so hard to let him know exactly how I feel about him, and I know I have said this a thousand times, but all I get back is "you shtink."
And I know this sounds stupid, but I want to hear him say that he wants to be with me. That he doesn't want anyone else. That... I don't even know. I told him so much, and I try to prove to him that I love him, but we are in an endless cycle of eat-watch tv-play WoW-go home. And I know that men around the world will cringe at just the thought of this, but I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY FREAKING FEELINGS. Because if I don't, I become obsessive and emo, and we all know where that leads.
It just pissed me off so much because I could relate to how Edward felt. I tell the man, in one of the ENORMOUS letters I used to write before (before I realized he thinks they are cheezy and stupid), that he means more to me than anything else on earth. That I cannot imagine being close to an another man because I know he will get uncomfortable and jealous. That there is no person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with, and that I don't care what it takes, but I will try to let him know exactly how much he means to me.
I gave up my best friend, the man who sincerely and genuinely cared about me, the man on whose shoulder I cried on when stupid shit would get me down, and the man who always told me to cheer up and be happy because I had Charlie. HE LIKED CARLOS. He approved of him, even though I know it hurt him. And because of a stupid post he wrote, everything got blown out of proportion. I gave up my best friend because Charlie got jealous, and I care about what he thinks. I care about him, and I don't care how many more friends I have to give up (sorry guys). I'm sorry to my friends, but I don't care how many people I have to go through in order to be with him and to be his, because the truth is, it doesn't matter how many friends I have because if I don't have him...
... I know how to finish that sentence, but Justy would yell at me, so I'll just leave the space blank.
I hate the fact that he doesn't have a blog. That I don't know what's going through his head. I wish I just knew what he even thinks of me. But then again, he would rather jump of a building strapped to a bomb on a rocket that is making him plummet towards the earth than actually write down what he thinks.
I hate going to bed without Kisa. It fucks with my head. I always feel alone. I'm used to it. You were born alone, and you will die alone. No one will go with you into death, whether it leads you to becoming fertilizer or go onto clouds and play the freaking harp (personally, I would like to be a tree).
PS. This is also an old post, I wait until I have several, and then just put them up. I know I am wrong. I know he loves me, and he shows it in his own way. My only issue is that he never says anything. Now I'm left hoping one day he will tell me something like what I have told him. And if not, and getting me a companion pet in WoW is showing me that he loves me, that's fine as well hah. I especially love my mechanical squirrel XD.
April 10, 2010
Regarding pics of Charlie
Hope he forgot the URL to my blog hah. Not in his history.
I don't know what to say.
I have no reason to be angry or even jealous, he was not mine then, but it really hurts knowing that someone, anyone, held him in their arms before I came along. That really sucks.
I wish I even knew what to say to him. This post will be online long after I would have talked to him, but these are my thoughts beforehand.
I want to act angry. And jealous. Because I am. But I also know that is wrong. I am wrong now but here is my point;
1) I deleted pics of me and other guys (except one because my mom calls him Sexy Beast XD long story...), only because of my respect for Charlie. I think it's wrong having pictures of myself with other men since they have no claim on me. But Charlie has many pics of him and his chick friends. That bothers me... a lot. I barely have any pics of him and I, and he has more pictures of himself with other people than he does with me. He tells me that he doesn't like having pictures taken of himself, but it really doesn't look like it. Yeah.
2) How does he have no idea that that might be hurtful? That I would rather not see him with other women? Other women who look (unfortunately) much better than I do. It's not even annoying: it's like a freaking stab in the back. Further proof that I do not deserve him because there are many women much prettier (and probably smarter too) than I, and he should be with one of them.
It just sucks knowing that there were gorgeous women who used to hold him (shudder) before I came along. I really don't know why he settled for me.
Sigh.
That's why I'm dieting and working out. If he spends time at the gym, and if be runs, damn straight I will force myself to do that, as well. I will try my best for Charlie, because I want to feel confident enough in myself to not feel like breaking down every time I see the pic of him and the chick or his prom pictures.
Fuck, I don't even get to go to the prom. He thinks dances are stupid. Apparently they weren't for him his senior year, with so many pictures of him and the chick taken. And yet he doesn't want to do that for me.
Gee, thanks.
Gah, and shut the hell up about Abercrombie and Fitch. Great way of making me feel inferior.
1) I CANNOT AFFORD IT. Not everyone has brothers and parents willing to buy them anything.
2) I am not like your cousin, doing anything possible to get attention from men. I care about you, and I want the least attention to myself as possible, because I know it will piss you off if other men flirt with me. I don't care what I look like in school, I only try to look decent when I see you.
3) If you really think it's so great and attractive, why don't you date someone else? If it's so freaking important.
So to sum up.
1) I WANT TO GO TO PROM.
2) Say anything about A&F or Hollister again, I will shove your computer mouse down your throat.
3) I want to be self-confident and attractive enough to have no problem with the pictures. Unfortunately, I am neither. So do me a favor.
I'm done bitching. Peace.
Hope he forgot the URL to my blog hah. Not in his history.
I don't know what to say.
I have no reason to be angry or even jealous, he was not mine then, but it really hurts knowing that someone, anyone, held him in their arms before I came along. That really sucks.
I wish I even knew what to say to him. This post will be online long after I would have talked to him, but these are my thoughts beforehand.
I want to act angry. And jealous. Because I am. But I also know that is wrong. I am wrong now but here is my point;
1) I deleted pics of me and other guys (except one because my mom calls him Sexy Beast XD long story...), only because of my respect for Charlie. I think it's wrong having pictures of myself with other men since they have no claim on me. But Charlie has many pics of him and his chick friends. That bothers me... a lot. I barely have any pics of him and I, and he has more pictures of himself with other people than he does with me. He tells me that he doesn't like having pictures taken of himself, but it really doesn't look like it. Yeah.
2) How does he have no idea that that might be hurtful? That I would rather not see him with other women? Other women who look (unfortunately) much better than I do. It's not even annoying: it's like a freaking stab in the back. Further proof that I do not deserve him because there are many women much prettier (and probably smarter too) than I, and he should be with one of them.
It just sucks knowing that there were gorgeous women who used to hold him (shudder) before I came along. I really don't know why he settled for me.
Sigh.
That's why I'm dieting and working out. If he spends time at the gym, and if be runs, damn straight I will force myself to do that, as well. I will try my best for Charlie, because I want to feel confident enough in myself to not feel like breaking down every time I see the pic of him and the chick or his prom pictures.
Fuck, I don't even get to go to the prom. He thinks dances are stupid. Apparently they weren't for him his senior year, with so many pictures of him and the chick taken. And yet he doesn't want to do that for me.
Gee, thanks.
Gah, and shut the hell up about Abercrombie and Fitch. Great way of making me feel inferior.
1) I CANNOT AFFORD IT. Not everyone has brothers and parents willing to buy them anything.
2) I am not like your cousin, doing anything possible to get attention from men. I care about you, and I want the least attention to myself as possible, because I know it will piss you off if other men flirt with me. I don't care what I look like in school, I only try to look decent when I see you.
3) If you really think it's so great and attractive, why don't you date someone else? If it's so freaking important.
So to sum up.
1) I WANT TO GO TO PROM.
2) Say anything about A&F or Hollister again, I will shove your computer mouse down your throat.
3) I want to be self-confident and attractive enough to have no problem with the pictures. Unfortunately, I am neither. So do me a favor.
I'm done bitching. Peace.
Calmness :]
I finally felt decent enough to make myself laugh. I am a sucker for lame jokes, and I looked up a bunch about physics hah. Felt good.
I overreacted a couple of days ago, but it was not only my fault. Situation under control. Rant to Justy, and then feel better.
I feel good. I'll see Charlie tomorrow. Happy :)
Just writing to say that I deleted a bunch of my emo posts, and I will [try to] focus on the positive. Yay :)
I overreacted a couple of days ago, but it was not only my fault. Situation under control. Rant to Justy, and then feel better.
I feel good. I'll see Charlie tomorrow. Happy :)
Just writing to say that I deleted a bunch of my emo posts, and I will [try to] focus on the positive. Yay :)
XKCD
http://xkcd.com/ <3
http://xkcd.com/unixkcd/ (even better)
I KNOW WHAT I WANT! SCREW JINX, http://store.xkcd.com/ is where it is at!
http://xkcd.ru/674/
OMG I JUST FOUND OUT THERE IS XKCD IN RUSSIAN@!!!!!!!
http://xkcd.com/unixkcd/ (even better)
I KNOW WHAT I WANT! SCREW JINX, http://store.xkcd.com/ is where it is at!
http://xkcd.ru/674/
OMG I JUST FOUND OUT THERE IS XKCD IN RUSSIAN@!!!!!!!
Breathe.
On this blog website, you can press Next Blog and it takes you to a random blog someone wrote. A huge majority of them are about people (mostly women, although men did have some nice entries) about their families and kids.
I want to be happy enough one day to write about stuff like that, as well, as opposed to stuff that worries me and slowly drives me insane on the inside. I will calm down, and focus on the positive. Until reality brings me back to Earth.
I want to be happy enough one day to write about stuff like that, as well, as opposed to stuff that worries me and slowly drives me insane on the inside. I will calm down, and focus on the positive. Until reality brings me back to Earth.
It's quiet in here.
Yeah, not much to say. Called my mom from U of I, and now I am hanging out in some quiet room with leather chairs. WoW wouldn't work because of the limited WiFi, so I decided to write on here. Wouldn't call Carlos until later because he will chop me up to pieces if I woke him up XD.
I feel bad cuz I kinda just left my friends to wander aimlessly. This place depresses me, though. Walking by the Astronomy building, I couldn't help but think, "Charlie will be here next year, and holly shit this is far from home." And everything that I have planned for the next year is a huge mistake if it will not work out. I am risking scholarships and acceptance into colleges by graduating early, and I am screwing myself over financially because there is no way in hell that I would let my mom pay for my college.
I have a job interview on Sunday, though. Hopefully I can save enough money over the summer to even get a car that drives. I couldn't care less about how it looks, anything that will get me closer to Charlie is a godsend.
The thing that sucks is I ADMIT I can't have fun without him. No one can make me laugh like he can, and even though we rarely talk about anything that is remotely serious, I trust him. He is the only person that makes me feel safe. And that sucks.
So does that mean that I will be miserable while he is here? I don't know. As long as I get to see him EVENTUALLY, I will be content. And maybe not having him here as a distraction will help me academically (desperate attempt at looking on the bright side). And I really do have to get my shit together. I am doing well in my AP and Honors courses, but I HATE GENERAL CLASSES. Sitting in a class that is so ignorant that they won't even ATTEMPT to do the work, and having that one kid that CONSTANTLY asks dumb questions makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
I won't get into U of I after high school, so I want to go to Harper for a little. 1) Saves me money, and 2) Gives me an opportunity to replace my high school transcript with college course grades. My plan after that? I don't know since it depends on many factors, but my ideal goal is looking bleak. So yeah, looking towards going to Harper with more people who don't really give a crap about what they are doing since it is a community college. Great.
God, I just don't want to be so pessimistic. Having everything that I want and aspire to have so close, yet knowing it can be taken away any moment, is just meh.
I'm done for today. Will go answer emails. Peace.
I feel bad cuz I kinda just left my friends to wander aimlessly. This place depresses me, though. Walking by the Astronomy building, I couldn't help but think, "Charlie will be here next year, and holly shit this is far from home." And everything that I have planned for the next year is a huge mistake if it will not work out. I am risking scholarships and acceptance into colleges by graduating early, and I am screwing myself over financially because there is no way in hell that I would let my mom pay for my college.
I have a job interview on Sunday, though. Hopefully I can save enough money over the summer to even get a car that drives. I couldn't care less about how it looks, anything that will get me closer to Charlie is a godsend.
The thing that sucks is I ADMIT I can't have fun without him. No one can make me laugh like he can, and even though we rarely talk about anything that is remotely serious, I trust him. He is the only person that makes me feel safe. And that sucks.
So does that mean that I will be miserable while he is here? I don't know. As long as I get to see him EVENTUALLY, I will be content. And maybe not having him here as a distraction will help me academically (desperate attempt at looking on the bright side). And I really do have to get my shit together. I am doing well in my AP and Honors courses, but I HATE GENERAL CLASSES. Sitting in a class that is so ignorant that they won't even ATTEMPT to do the work, and having that one kid that CONSTANTLY asks dumb questions makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
I won't get into U of I after high school, so I want to go to Harper for a little. 1) Saves me money, and 2) Gives me an opportunity to replace my high school transcript with college course grades. My plan after that? I don't know since it depends on many factors, but my ideal goal is looking bleak. So yeah, looking towards going to Harper with more people who don't really give a crap about what they are doing since it is a community college. Great.
God, I just don't want to be so pessimistic. Having everything that I want and aspire to have so close, yet knowing it can be taken away any moment, is just meh.
I'm done for today. Will go answer emails. Peace.
My bad
Yeah I read everything that I wrote yesterday, and I gotta say, I'm a little stupid.
1) There is no point in completely changing myself only because some stupid woman pisses me off. Yeah her expression got to me yesterday, but it's not worth it. Yeah I will reduce my calorie intake, but I won't like starve myself. Eeew.
2) Yesterday it felt like I hate her. Like I would hurt her if I had the chance. Hah, now it's not even hate, it's indifference. I just don't care about her. She can say whatever she wants, I know I am better than her in several ways. Not worth it.
3) I hate being angry. Whenever I am angry, I just DON'T TALK. At all. And I know Charlie felt stupid when I just lay down and not say anything. I decided after some time of the awkward silence to give the man a break and laughed at a joke a dude made in The Matrix.
4) I have to learn how to CALM THE HELL DOWN. WoW works. Working out works. Drawing works. Shit, even writing. But the thing that bothers me A LOT is the fact that I can't talk to Charlie. I can write, but talking about stuff doesn't come naturally to me. And it's sad because there is SOOOO much that I want to talk about, I actually WANT to know his opinion, but I just can't start up a conversation. Hmm. All I can do is hope that he brings something up because answering is just easier. And it's not like it's a trust thing, I would tell the man anything, but it's just it's complicated for me to talk. Feels awkward and strange. Sad panda face.
All in all, I'm excited for Science Olympiad state. I get to spend two days with two of my women, no dudes or parents involved hah. I'd probably spend half the night playing wow, but what the hell. We will go swimming, and look all sexy and stuff. Lol no one to look sexy in front of but what the hell XD. I just need a break from school (feels strange to say since I got off of spring break hah), and I definitely need a break from home.
I'm just writing about everything, I guess. Charlie and I watched some movie about a guy who lost his short-term memory (haha Hippocampus...) and in it, a chick lost her husband or whatever. Thinking back to the movie, I don't know what I would have done if I was in her place. I would have probably ended up in prison, would have killed the guy who shot him. And not just killed, I would have torchured the motherfucker. Well, the one-sided conversation is taking a morbid turn, so I will move on.
I remember writing a blog post on my old blog about how I hated being alone. Now I am taken, but I still feel alone going to bed. He isn't right by my side when I want him most. And although a part of me is sad, a larger portion is happy because it makes me look towards the future. If he decides there is a future for us. Just it would be so nice to hold him close as I fall asleep.
I don't know my mood hah. It's kind of meh. Just tired, I guess. Out of all the things I want in life, (at least right now) Charlie is my priority. And although that's stupid in some ways, that's what makes me happy. I don't care about colleges anymore because my only one choice is U of I. And although I honestly dislike the school, it doesn't matter. Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. And Charlie is so much better.
Hmm. Good night.
1) There is no point in completely changing myself only because some stupid woman pisses me off. Yeah her expression got to me yesterday, but it's not worth it. Yeah I will reduce my calorie intake, but I won't like starve myself. Eeew.
2) Yesterday it felt like I hate her. Like I would hurt her if I had the chance. Hah, now it's not even hate, it's indifference. I just don't care about her. She can say whatever she wants, I know I am better than her in several ways. Not worth it.
3) I hate being angry. Whenever I am angry, I just DON'T TALK. At all. And I know Charlie felt stupid when I just lay down and not say anything. I decided after some time of the awkward silence to give the man a break and laughed at a joke a dude made in The Matrix.
4) I have to learn how to CALM THE HELL DOWN. WoW works. Working out works. Drawing works. Shit, even writing. But the thing that bothers me A LOT is the fact that I can't talk to Charlie. I can write, but talking about stuff doesn't come naturally to me. And it's sad because there is SOOOO much that I want to talk about, I actually WANT to know his opinion, but I just can't start up a conversation. Hmm. All I can do is hope that he brings something up because answering is just easier. And it's not like it's a trust thing, I would tell the man anything, but it's just it's complicated for me to talk. Feels awkward and strange. Sad panda face.
All in all, I'm excited for Science Olympiad state. I get to spend two days with two of my women, no dudes or parents involved hah. I'd probably spend half the night playing wow, but what the hell. We will go swimming, and look all sexy and stuff. Lol no one to look sexy in front of but what the hell XD. I just need a break from school (feels strange to say since I got off of spring break hah), and I definitely need a break from home.
I'm just writing about everything, I guess. Charlie and I watched some movie about a guy who lost his short-term memory (haha Hippocampus...) and in it, a chick lost her husband or whatever. Thinking back to the movie, I don't know what I would have done if I was in her place. I would have probably ended up in prison, would have killed the guy who shot him. And not just killed, I would have torchured the motherfucker. Well, the one-sided conversation is taking a morbid turn, so I will move on.
I remember writing a blog post on my old blog about how I hated being alone. Now I am taken, but I still feel alone going to bed. He isn't right by my side when I want him most. And although a part of me is sad, a larger portion is happy because it makes me look towards the future. If he decides there is a future for us. Just it would be so nice to hold him close as I fall asleep.
I don't know my mood hah. It's kind of meh. Just tired, I guess. Out of all the things I want in life, (at least right now) Charlie is my priority. And although that's stupid in some ways, that's what makes me happy. I don't care about colleges anymore because my only one choice is U of I. And although I honestly dislike the school, it doesn't matter. Sacrifice is giving up something good for something better. And Charlie is so much better.
Hmm. Good night.
Fuck people
I will write this when I am angry because if I wait until tomorrow, when I hear your voice, and when I hold you close and the world seems perfect, then this feeling would be forgotten. No. Not again. I will write this down and keep it in mind the next time I want pizza or ice cream.
Don't give me this bullshit about how you like how I look. I myself hate what I see when I look in the goddamn mirror, and if I got the chance to change ANYTHING about myself, I would change EVERYTHING. You have NO IDEA how it is like to be me in a world (fucking US of A) that expects me to be a size double zero stick. Other than Ulyana (who is gorgeous and has the prettiest eyes in the world) every single Russian chick I know is tiny. And by tiny I mean several could fit into me. That makes me feel just fucking pleasant.
I am tired of all the jokes you and Rachel make. So I gained a couple of pounds, that's what happens when you are on birth-control, and you should have thought of that before taking me there. I am tired of my mom making jokes that if I go ice-skating, the fucking ice would break. Rachel saying that nothing will fit me because I have been eating too much. And hey, let's not forget a couple of choice ones you used. They're not jokes Carlos. They hurt. And a lot.
And let's not forget about your ever-so-perfect extended family. Shit, I'm SORRY that I don't dress in Abercrombie and Bitch, first of all, I can't afford that shit, and second of all, I think I am a tiny little bit too different from everybody else to try and conform to your stupid American standards. The fact that I am smart has no saying whatsoever in this goddamn country, all of the jobs and attention go to stick blonde bitches.
Fuck, if you even saw the look BOTH of your cousins gave me when I walked in. Carmen I can somewhat stand, she is nice from time to time, but Lily... I walked in and she looked at me like I am trash. Is that all I am to you? Trash? Here I arrive, in jeans and a T shirt and I couldn't even get the fucking door closed because of the goddamn rug and she looked at me like at a pathetic animal. So don't give me shit about how everything is fine because she hasn't said anything to my face because her face says it all. That fucking face with the perfect skin, perfect makeup, and actually DONE hair the entire package wrapped with A&F or Hollister or whatever the fuck you guys wear. Oh Ruehl. That's right, that shit, great memories about the place where you used to work, huh?
AND DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FUCKING BODY. I want to go and get a tan, I will. I want to lose some weight, I will. I want to get highlights, damn straight I will and bleach my fucking hair if that's what it takes. I am not doing it for myself, I am far beyond caring about my pathetic excuse for a female body, I am doing it to get the bitch off my back and so you don't look stupid with a girlfriend that... well, looks like me.
DON'T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM PERFECT HOW I AM. Don't lie to me. Please. After all this shit, that is the last thing I want. And I will definitely not stand it.
And if you have a problem with me tanning or cutting down calories, YOU AND SEVERAL CHOICE PEOPLE started this. So no, I see no fault of mine in this. Sorry.
I don't want to see the bitch again. Ever. She ever comes to your house again, I will leave. I don't care if I have to walk if it's raining or if I'm sick. I would rather fucking get pneumonia than face that her. Because I am telling you this now as a warning, I might not be the greatest-looking-Victoria's-
I'm done. My rant is over. I still love you to death... but I am hurt. And since I don't find yelling at you very pleasant, I wrote this out. I give up, and if being a stick is what it takes to be accepted into your perfect family and into the glorious society, then fine.
Don't give me this bullshit about how you like how I look. I myself hate what I see when I look in the goddamn mirror, and if I got the chance to change ANYTHING about myself, I would change EVERYTHING. You have NO IDEA how it is like to be me in a world (fucking US of A) that expects me to be a size double zero stick. Other than Ulyana (who is gorgeous and has the prettiest eyes in the world) every single Russian chick I know is tiny. And by tiny I mean several could fit into me. That makes me feel just fucking pleasant.
I am tired of all the jokes you and Rachel make. So I gained a couple of pounds, that's what happens when you are on birth-control, and you should have thought of that before taking me there. I am tired of my mom making jokes that if I go ice-skating, the fucking ice would break. Rachel saying that nothing will fit me because I have been eating too much. And hey, let's not forget a couple of choice ones you used. They're not jokes Carlos. They hurt. And a lot.
And let's not forget about your ever-so-perfect extended family. Shit, I'm SORRY that I don't dress in Abercrombie and Bitch, first of all, I can't afford that shit, and second of all, I think I am a tiny little bit too different from everybody else to try and conform to your stupid American standards. The fact that I am smart has no saying whatsoever in this goddamn country, all of the jobs and attention go to stick blonde bitches.
Fuck, if you even saw the look BOTH of your cousins gave me when I walked in. Carmen I can somewhat stand, she is nice from time to time, but Lily... I walked in and she looked at me like I am trash. Is that all I am to you? Trash? Here I arrive, in jeans and a T shirt and I couldn't even get the fucking door closed because of the goddamn rug and she looked at me like at a pathetic animal. So don't give me shit about how everything is fine because she hasn't said anything to my face because her face says it all. That fucking face with the perfect skin, perfect makeup, and actually DONE hair the entire package wrapped with A&F or Hollister or whatever the fuck you guys wear. Oh Ruehl. That's right, that shit, great memories about the place where you used to work, huh?
AND DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY FUCKING BODY. I want to go and get a tan, I will. I want to lose some weight, I will. I want to get highlights, damn straight I will and bleach my fucking hair if that's what it takes. I am not doing it for myself, I am far beyond caring about my pathetic excuse for a female body, I am doing it to get the bitch off my back and so you don't look stupid with a girlfriend that... well, looks like me.
DON'T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT HOW I AM PERFECT HOW I AM. Don't lie to me. Please. After all this shit, that is the last thing I want. And I will definitely not stand it.
And if you have a problem with me tanning or cutting down calories, YOU AND SEVERAL CHOICE PEOPLE started this. So no, I see no fault of mine in this. Sorry.
I don't want to see the bitch again. Ever. She ever comes to your house again, I will leave. I don't care if I have to walk if it's raining or if I'm sick. I would rather fucking get pneumonia than face that her. Because I am telling you this now as a warning, I might not be the greatest-looking-Victoria's-
I'm done. My rant is over. I still love you to death... but I am hurt. And since I don't find yelling at you very pleasant, I wrote this out. I give up, and if being a stick is what it takes to be accepted into your perfect family and into the glorious society, then fine.
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