Frustration
I had an awesome dream a couple of days ago. Woke up sad, wondering if it will ever come true. Based on how people tend to fuck up, I'm guessing not.
Still, like to cling on to the idea of what I really want. Would be nice.
Still, like to cling on to the idea of what I really want. Would be nice.
Mathemagician
LOLs I have to do a little project for Lit Class... I managed to find how to connect it to math... Yayz!
So first, I wanted to find something that will describe a nautilus shell... I thought it would could relate to the Fibonacci Sequence, but it turned out to be the Golden Ratio... Heh. So my first attempt failed, but I have until Friday so YAYZ!
IDK, this project made me excited.
So first, I wanted to find something that will describe a nautilus shell... I thought it would could relate to the Fibonacci Sequence, but it turned out to be the Golden Ratio... Heh. So my first attempt failed, but I have until Friday so YAYZ!
IDK, this project made me excited.
Sad hace.
When someone you love is dead, you expect the pain to go away in time, but even though it partially subsides, it is always there in the back of your head, creating new nightmares.
I woke up on March 7th (yesterday) at five in the morning, sweating, and breathing heavily. I had that dream again.
That dream where it is me instead of him. Where it is I shot point-blank, the bullet tearing apart my insides. The dream of me being the one who slowly, painfully, died alone.
He died alone. Those he loved, and those who loved him, were not there.
He saved the other man. He stood up for the other man, when they were being threatened by a drunk dude with a gun. Both died.
I miss him. That time was the worst time of my entire life, his death a big part of it.
It was cruel to Rachel and I. Rachel lost a father, and will grow up without a dad just like I did.
And I, finally getting to see how amazing it is to have a dad that actually gives a shit that you exist, get it all taken away from me. By a guy who was drunk and had a gun.
It was the worst for my mom. First she had me, with a man that was both violent and a heavy drinker, and who eventually was kicked out by her. He stayed the hell out of our lives, my father figure when I was growing up was my grandpa.
Then my mom moves here, and meets an amazing guy who not only cares about her, but also about me. They have Rachel. They are happy.
He dies.
Great luck we have with fathers, eh?
I don't know what I am supposed to tell Rachel when she is older. Will she even remember him?
---
He left that night to spend a night with some if his friends. Was innocent enough. I do remember seeing an annoyed look on my mother's face, and him telling Rachel and myself goodnight. And look how that turned out.
I apologize, sometimes I seem to interrogate Charlie with random shit. But I do worry. That day is always in the back of my head. I would... I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him too.
I woke up on March 7th (yesterday) at five in the morning, sweating, and breathing heavily. I had that dream again.
That dream where it is me instead of him. Where it is I shot point-blank, the bullet tearing apart my insides. The dream of me being the one who slowly, painfully, died alone.
He died alone. Those he loved, and those who loved him, were not there.
He saved the other man. He stood up for the other man, when they were being threatened by a drunk dude with a gun. Both died.
I miss him. That time was the worst time of my entire life, his death a big part of it.
It was cruel to Rachel and I. Rachel lost a father, and will grow up without a dad just like I did.
And I, finally getting to see how amazing it is to have a dad that actually gives a shit that you exist, get it all taken away from me. By a guy who was drunk and had a gun.
It was the worst for my mom. First she had me, with a man that was both violent and a heavy drinker, and who eventually was kicked out by her. He stayed the hell out of our lives, my father figure when I was growing up was my grandpa.
Then my mom moves here, and meets an amazing guy who not only cares about her, but also about me. They have Rachel. They are happy.
He dies.
Great luck we have with fathers, eh?
I don't know what I am supposed to tell Rachel when she is older. Will she even remember him?
---
He left that night to spend a night with some if his friends. Was innocent enough. I do remember seeing an annoyed look on my mother's face, and him telling Rachel and myself goodnight. And look how that turned out.
I apologize, sometimes I seem to interrogate Charlie with random shit. But I do worry. That day is always in the back of my head. I would... I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him too.
I hate Psych. Chick stuff.
Ignorance is bliss. So many things I learn in AP Psychology that I could easily live without. Here's one that made me reconsider my view on relationships.
So according to the book, there are two kinds of love. Passionate love, and compassionate love. Passionate love is that one feeling you feel when you just get in a relationship. A near-obsession with the person. A deep connection, leading to passion. Obviously the type that inevitably leads to sexy time. Oh yahh.
The second (compassionate) type is the connection you feel with those who are dear to you and who share your life. Like your family, and intimate friends.
What made me re-read the passage was the fact that the book stated that compassionate love only lasts for a while. It is not permanent.
Book essentially said: entering a relationship (passionate love) will eventually die down into compassionate love.
That makes me sad. So everyone who gets married is pretty much screwed for a life of mediocrity after that period wears off? Then what is the point in even seeing anyone?
What I think is that the connection that is built in that period of time is what keeps a couple together. While you two are still in that "honeymoon stage," such information is shared and such a connection is built up that it cannot even compare to the love you feel towards your friends. Wouldn't it make sense to spend the rest of your life with someone you love and respect and know the most? Unless it's your cat, of course. But the cat comes along. We are a package deal.
No, but yeah. Them bears.
More sad stuff.
I read some random statistic that said that during marriage (not while they are still technically single), 70% of men and 60% of women cheat. And that is when they are married. Before that, I expect the numbers to be even higher. That is depressing. What is the point in committing yourself to one person if you will end up fucking someone else? And what dumbshits people are to think that they would not get caught. That must be so demeaning. Finding out that the person you love the most in the world would rather be intimate with someone else.
I would forgive everything. The two things that would never be forgiven (and is an automatic gtfo of a relationship) is cheating. And possibly killing someone. But cheating I cannot forgive.
I was talking with one of my really smart friends from Michigan. He said that he would rather have his girlfriend break up with him a minute before she cheats than have to find out that she cheated on him while they were together. I agree with that.
Man, this is depressing. I'm going to write about something else.
KshanksBAI
So according to the book, there are two kinds of love. Passionate love, and compassionate love. Passionate love is that one feeling you feel when you just get in a relationship. A near-obsession with the person. A deep connection, leading to passion. Obviously the type that inevitably leads to sexy time. Oh yahh.
The second (compassionate) type is the connection you feel with those who are dear to you and who share your life. Like your family, and intimate friends.
What made me re-read the passage was the fact that the book stated that compassionate love only lasts for a while. It is not permanent.
Book essentially said: entering a relationship (passionate love) will eventually die down into compassionate love.
That makes me sad. So everyone who gets married is pretty much screwed for a life of mediocrity after that period wears off? Then what is the point in even seeing anyone?
What I think is that the connection that is built in that period of time is what keeps a couple together. While you two are still in that "honeymoon stage," such information is shared and such a connection is built up that it cannot even compare to the love you feel towards your friends. Wouldn't it make sense to spend the rest of your life with someone you love and respect and know the most? Unless it's your cat, of course. But the cat comes along. We are a package deal.
No, but yeah. Them bears.
More sad stuff.
I read some random statistic that said that during marriage (not while they are still technically single), 70% of men and 60% of women cheat. And that is when they are married. Before that, I expect the numbers to be even higher. That is depressing. What is the point in committing yourself to one person if you will end up fucking someone else? And what dumbshits people are to think that they would not get caught. That must be so demeaning. Finding out that the person you love the most in the world would rather be intimate with someone else.
I would forgive everything. The two things that would never be forgiven (and is an automatic gtfo of a relationship) is cheating. And possibly killing someone. But cheating I cannot forgive.
I was talking with one of my really smart friends from Michigan. He said that he would rather have his girlfriend break up with him a minute before she cheats than have to find out that she cheated on him while they were together. I agree with that.
Man, this is depressing. I'm going to write about something else.
KshanksBAI
Patrick
"A guy would rather shed blood than shed tears but that's because he has yet to experience sadness."
I heard that from a friend, and it made me think a little. Just a little, cuz it might hurt my little female brain to think more (lol).
I would totally agree that women are more unstable than men. At least on the inside. Most can do well with the hiding of the crazy. Or just let it out in small portions hah.
A woman on TV was talking about how after she had to get a majority of her reproductive system removed (for health reasons of a malignant tumor), how much she changed. She was talking about how much calmer she was. I laughed.
In all seriousness (which is still pretty hilarious to me) the only time I actually cry is when I am PMSing and someone does ANYTHING wrong. The magnitude doesn't matter hah, just the fact that the world seems to be against me hah. I find it funny.
Just like when we (Charlie and I) were doing a dungeon on our Druids, and (since I was restoration spec), I had to heal. I wanted to cry/kill/laugh so much in such a short period of time. It was strange. I ended up yelling something in the lines of FUCK YOU ALL! YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF! and Carlos laughed at me and kissed me.
But getting back to the quote (sort of), sometimes it is easier to laugh at something than admit defeat. Than admit that something bad happened. That's why it is so essential for me to make my friends laugh, to make those I love happy. I see no point in discussing something really depressing (which would bring them down as well as me), when I could make them laugh instead.
But the thing I really believe in is the fact that you don't know how great life is until something really shitty happens. Makes you put stuff in perspective.
And since I mentioned women in this post, I have to mention another quote I heard (this one not as emo hah);
"Men are like purses. Cute, full of shit, and easily replaceable."
Although I disagree with it, it did made me laugh and think back to the days when I thought all men had the intelligence quotient of a brain-dead starfish.
LIKE PATRICK FROM SPONGEBOB <3
I heard that from a friend, and it made me think a little. Just a little, cuz it might hurt my little female brain to think more (lol).
I would totally agree that women are more unstable than men. At least on the inside. Most can do well with the hiding of the crazy. Or just let it out in small portions hah.
A woman on TV was talking about how after she had to get a majority of her reproductive system removed (for health reasons of a malignant tumor), how much she changed. She was talking about how much calmer she was. I laughed.
In all seriousness (which is still pretty hilarious to me) the only time I actually cry is when I am PMSing and someone does ANYTHING wrong. The magnitude doesn't matter hah, just the fact that the world seems to be against me hah. I find it funny.
Just like when we (Charlie and I) were doing a dungeon on our Druids, and (since I was restoration spec), I had to heal. I wanted to cry/kill/laugh so much in such a short period of time. It was strange. I ended up yelling something in the lines of FUCK YOU ALL! YOU CAN HEAL YOURSELF! and Carlos laughed at me and kissed me.
But getting back to the quote (sort of), sometimes it is easier to laugh at something than admit defeat. Than admit that something bad happened. That's why it is so essential for me to make my friends laugh, to make those I love happy. I see no point in discussing something really depressing (which would bring them down as well as me), when I could make them laugh instead.
But the thing I really believe in is the fact that you don't know how great life is until something really shitty happens. Makes you put stuff in perspective.
And since I mentioned women in this post, I have to mention another quote I heard (this one not as emo hah);
"Men are like purses. Cute, full of shit, and easily replaceable."
Although I disagree with it, it did made me laugh and think back to the days when I thought all men had the intelligence quotient of a brain-dead starfish.
LIKE PATRICK FROM SPONGEBOB <3
LOCK! (been a while since I called you that)
When will you be online? Add Meoda on Lightningfoot (or Lightningtoe or Thunderfinger or whatever), just made her hah.
I think I think, therefore (I think), I think I am
Bored in the library.
Click a link. Sexy. Velociraptors. April 18.
Another link. Randall Munroe. I love you. "Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)."
Linky link. Mmm dinosaurs.
Link link link. It's physics related, so I can look at it?
SO SHINY AND PRETTY.... Omgs link. I wants more.
Gonna get a cookie. Hmmm... BAI!
Click a link. Sexy. Velociraptors. April 18.
Another link. Randall Munroe. I love you. "Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors)."
Linky link. Mmm dinosaurs.
Link link link. It's physics related, so I can look at it?
SO SHINY AND PRETTY.... Omgs link. I wants more.
Gonna get a cookie. Hmmm... BAI!
Table for two, please. My conscience will be joining me soon.
...
I think Charlie saved me.
Some of this stuff no one knows. Even Justy. But hey, what the hell. This shit sucks, though, I cried while re-reading this.
Truth is, I wasn't always happy and geeky and smart. Last year fucking sucked. Epicly.
I realize the next part might hurt Charlie, but again, this is something we have never discussed, and I don't want to keep anything from him. Please don't be mad.
I wouldn't say I was in a relationship beginning of sophmore year. There was this one asshole (all he is) that I clung to because I was terrified of being alone. I did not love him. Shit, I didn't even like him. As a boyfriend or as a person.
I always make jokes on how I would like beat Justyna up for being a stupid woman, or how Carlos is a real man if he kissed me with his fist. But violence in anything resembling a relationship isn't funny. And it hits close to home. Just like rape, if I don't laugh at it, I think I would die. Those two things I would rather laugh about than spend nights crying, wondering what the fuck went wrong in my life. Wondering why I deserved this, why I was the one abused.
So yeah, back to sophomore year. The only time I saw him (the asshole) was in ROTC. I think the fact that he is there is why I stopped going to ROTC last year. Whenever anyone was around, he took every possibility he could to push me around. And when no one was watching, he called me stupid, irresponsible, ugly, and useless. He hit me. I'm not joking. Only Evelyn saw the bruises. Only Anj saw me cry because the bastard fucked up my ribs. Plural.
And now of course, I have 20-20 hindsight. I now understand that he was just an asshole who took adventage of me (what else is new?) but then, I was scared out of my mind. I was terrified if someone asked me why I was beaten up. I was scared of ROTC.
I wanted to escape.
I made a mistake. A mistake I joke around about now, but I regret it. I admit I smoked pot. (This part Charlie knows) And often.
Please don't yell at me or judge me. I know it was stupid. I know it was irresponsible. And the fact that I was completely blazed at school (especially on Wednesdays, ROTC days) was very stupid, and that is why I failed three classes. When I was high, it didn't hurt that much. His words did not sting, and I shrugged off the bruises.
I feel so stupid. I really fucked up my life last year. My GPA went from a 5.2 to a 3.6. I went from being an A+ student to a beaten up pothead. I had so many friends that I ended up pushing away. My mom was confused on why I changed so much. And fuck feminism, I cried every night because I was afraid the next time he hits me, I won't be able to get back up. How could I possibly support women when I could barely keep myself in one place?
This is going to sound fucked up, but I needed a friend. I could never talk to Evelyn about this because she would have started drama. And other than her, I was afraid to talk to someone else because he managed to convince me that I am worthless and other than him, no one will ever love me or care. I really believed that. At first, I shrugged it off, but after hearing that over, and over, and over again, I started believing him. And that sucked.
And the cycle was broken.
I remember being in ROTC, sitting by the fieldhouse, and using my friend's iPhone to get on Facebook. I checked Evelyn's stupid posts on how happy she is dating Mike, I saw all the lovey crap they wrote. I wondered why that could never be me. Why I have never heard a sincere "I love you" or why no man has ever had the guts to ask me out. The only person I ever felt attached to moved on with his life (college whoo hoo), and I didn't really care for anyone. I wanted that one person, but I never even got a chance to tell him how great he is.
And then I saw I had a friend request.
Who else than Carlos? He requested me. Even if it was a stupid website where the more friends you have, the supposedly more popular you are, and the only thing connecting you was a line of code, I was happy. He requested me. Me. And we started talking.
A week after Charlie requested me, I came up to the asshole on Wednesday, and I told him I never wanted to see him again. I never wanted to hear his voice, and I am tired of pain. He called me a skank because the only possible reason why I would talk to him is because I was fucking around, and he said no one will ever love or care about a bitch like me.
I punched him. Looking back, I should have castrated the bastard. With hot scissors. And made him swallow his excuse for balls if he thought he was tough for beating a girl. But I only punched him.
It felt so good. That half a year of pure pain, mostly clouded by marijuana, went through my memory so quick that I was left breathless. I punched him. It was done.
I felt so powerful. So happy. So free. I never smoked again, weed or cigarettes. I was clean, and happy.
But I didn't feel as alone.
The moral of the story; I went through shit that no woman should ever be put through. With a little help of a friend (and now a lover, my sole reason for existance), I perservered, and I kicked ass.
Whatever you are angry at, whatever hurts you, whatever ever puts you down, DON'T ACCEPT IT. Now, I am a good student, in AP classes yet again, I am as nerdy as it gets, and my life has been blessed with the gift that is WoW. Lol, as much as I love the game, that's not the point.
Anyone who thinks they can put you down, laugh at them and ask what the fuck they have accomplished in life. And walk away.
I don't know what would have happened if Charlie hasn't talked to me. Surely, I would have attempted suicide. Attempted. I am not sure whether or not I would have suceeded. Again, one of those things I laugh at, but I remember to myself all the nights wishing that I was dead.
I know I wouldn't be clean. I know from pot, I would have moved on to something stronger. Pot doesn't do as much as I expected at the beginning.
Carlos had good timing. At a time I was ready to jump under the freakin metra to end it all, or possibly just... IDK. I was going down a WRONG path, and I think he opened my eyes. To both the fact that I can have friends again, the fact that I am smart, and he opened my eyes to love.
I'll take the check, please. My conscience and I are done. The dinner was pleasant, albeit a tad bitter.
I think Charlie saved me.
Some of this stuff no one knows. Even Justy. But hey, what the hell. This shit sucks, though, I cried while re-reading this.
Truth is, I wasn't always happy and geeky and smart. Last year fucking sucked. Epicly.
I realize the next part might hurt Charlie, but again, this is something we have never discussed, and I don't want to keep anything from him. Please don't be mad.
I wouldn't say I was in a relationship beginning of sophmore year. There was this one asshole (all he is) that I clung to because I was terrified of being alone. I did not love him. Shit, I didn't even like him. As a boyfriend or as a person.
I always make jokes on how I would like beat Justyna up for being a stupid woman, or how Carlos is a real man if he kissed me with his fist. But violence in anything resembling a relationship isn't funny. And it hits close to home. Just like rape, if I don't laugh at it, I think I would die. Those two things I would rather laugh about than spend nights crying, wondering what the fuck went wrong in my life. Wondering why I deserved this, why I was the one abused.
So yeah, back to sophomore year. The only time I saw him (the asshole) was in ROTC. I think the fact that he is there is why I stopped going to ROTC last year. Whenever anyone was around, he took every possibility he could to push me around. And when no one was watching, he called me stupid, irresponsible, ugly, and useless. He hit me. I'm not joking. Only Evelyn saw the bruises. Only Anj saw me cry because the bastard fucked up my ribs. Plural.
And now of course, I have 20-20 hindsight. I now understand that he was just an asshole who took adventage of me (what else is new?) but then, I was scared out of my mind. I was terrified if someone asked me why I was beaten up. I was scared of ROTC.
I wanted to escape.
I made a mistake. A mistake I joke around about now, but I regret it. I admit I smoked pot. (This part Charlie knows) And often.
Please don't yell at me or judge me. I know it was stupid. I know it was irresponsible. And the fact that I was completely blazed at school (especially on Wednesdays, ROTC days) was very stupid, and that is why I failed three classes. When I was high, it didn't hurt that much. His words did not sting, and I shrugged off the bruises.
I feel so stupid. I really fucked up my life last year. My GPA went from a 5.2 to a 3.6. I went from being an A+ student to a beaten up pothead. I had so many friends that I ended up pushing away. My mom was confused on why I changed so much. And fuck feminism, I cried every night because I was afraid the next time he hits me, I won't be able to get back up. How could I possibly support women when I could barely keep myself in one place?
This is going to sound fucked up, but I needed a friend. I could never talk to Evelyn about this because she would have started drama. And other than her, I was afraid to talk to someone else because he managed to convince me that I am worthless and other than him, no one will ever love me or care. I really believed that. At first, I shrugged it off, but after hearing that over, and over, and over again, I started believing him. And that sucked.
And the cycle was broken.
I remember being in ROTC, sitting by the fieldhouse, and using my friend's iPhone to get on Facebook. I checked Evelyn's stupid posts on how happy she is dating Mike, I saw all the lovey crap they wrote. I wondered why that could never be me. Why I have never heard a sincere "I love you" or why no man has ever had the guts to ask me out. The only person I ever felt attached to moved on with his life (college whoo hoo), and I didn't really care for anyone. I wanted that one person, but I never even got a chance to tell him how great he is.
And then I saw I had a friend request.
Who else than Carlos? He requested me. Even if it was a stupid website where the more friends you have, the supposedly more popular you are, and the only thing connecting you was a line of code, I was happy. He requested me. Me. And we started talking.
A week after Charlie requested me, I came up to the asshole on Wednesday, and I told him I never wanted to see him again. I never wanted to hear his voice, and I am tired of pain. He called me a skank because the only possible reason why I would talk to him is because I was fucking around, and he said no one will ever love or care about a bitch like me.
I punched him. Looking back, I should have castrated the bastard. With hot scissors. And made him swallow his excuse for balls if he thought he was tough for beating a girl. But I only punched him.
It felt so good. That half a year of pure pain, mostly clouded by marijuana, went through my memory so quick that I was left breathless. I punched him. It was done.
I felt so powerful. So happy. So free. I never smoked again, weed or cigarettes. I was clean, and happy.
But I didn't feel as alone.
The moral of the story; I went through shit that no woman should ever be put through. With a little help of a friend (and now a lover, my sole reason for existance), I perservered, and I kicked ass.
Whatever you are angry at, whatever hurts you, whatever ever puts you down, DON'T ACCEPT IT. Now, I am a good student, in AP classes yet again, I am as nerdy as it gets, and my life has been blessed with the gift that is WoW. Lol, as much as I love the game, that's not the point.
Anyone who thinks they can put you down, laugh at them and ask what the fuck they have accomplished in life. And walk away.
I don't know what would have happened if Charlie hasn't talked to me. Surely, I would have attempted suicide. Attempted. I am not sure whether or not I would have suceeded. Again, one of those things I laugh at, but I remember to myself all the nights wishing that I was dead.
I know I wouldn't be clean. I know from pot, I would have moved on to something stronger. Pot doesn't do as much as I expected at the beginning.
Carlos had good timing. At a time I was ready to jump under the freakin metra to end it all, or possibly just... IDK. I was going down a WRONG path, and I think he opened my eyes. To both the fact that I can have friends again, the fact that I am smart, and he opened my eyes to love.
I'll take the check, please. My conscience and I are done. The dinner was pleasant, albeit a tad bitter.
Law and Order
I'm not trying to shove my beliefs down your throat, and if you have a problem with what I believe in, STFU and GTFO because IDC.
Law and Order makes me think from time to time.
Long story short... So a man brought his knocked-up soon-to-be-ex wife to court to make her go to a treatment center because she is a heavy drinker. God, if I would have had the opportunity, I would have smacked her so hard. What a fucking idiot. That bitch said pregnancy is stressful and drinking made her feel better. Well guess what? No shit, Sherlock, but you don't have to take it out on your kid! I consider a fetus a life, and the chances of FAS are so fucking high after you drink as much as she did. Man, if I was her, I would stay the fuck away from alcohol or ANYONE smoking, and she just swallows rum like it's fucking Kool-Aid. How difficult is it to realize that having a child is such a blessing, that she should be thanking any fucking deity her bitch ass prays to.
And then I tell myself, "calm down Yana, it's just a show...".
But that doesn't change the fact that there are people out there like her. Shit, if anyone I knew was planning an abortion, I would fucking chain them up and force them to have the kid. I don't give a shit if they put him into adoption, but abortion is freaking murder.
And I know the entire argument. Where do you draw the line? For me, it is between the transformation from an embryo to the fetus. An embryo is just a bunch of cells, if I said an abortion of an embryo is killing, it would be the same as after a dude jacks off, and the sperm die. Nah, that's not an alive being. But killing a child... Man, so wrong. A fetus, your baby, that has a heartbeat, that dreams, that is so innocent and defenseless, and you wanna kill it? Shit then stay the hell away from me.
Idk. Sorry for the rant. Had to be said.
Law and Order makes me think from time to time.
Long story short... So a man brought his knocked-up soon-to-be-ex wife to court to make her go to a treatment center because she is a heavy drinker. God, if I would have had the opportunity, I would have smacked her so hard. What a fucking idiot. That bitch said pregnancy is stressful and drinking made her feel better. Well guess what? No shit, Sherlock, but you don't have to take it out on your kid! I consider a fetus a life, and the chances of FAS are so fucking high after you drink as much as she did. Man, if I was her, I would stay the fuck away from alcohol or ANYONE smoking, and she just swallows rum like it's fucking Kool-Aid. How difficult is it to realize that having a child is such a blessing, that she should be thanking any fucking deity her bitch ass prays to.
And then I tell myself, "calm down Yana, it's just a show...".
But that doesn't change the fact that there are people out there like her. Shit, if anyone I knew was planning an abortion, I would fucking chain them up and force them to have the kid. I don't give a shit if they put him into adoption, but abortion is freaking murder.
And I know the entire argument. Where do you draw the line? For me, it is between the transformation from an embryo to the fetus. An embryo is just a bunch of cells, if I said an abortion of an embryo is killing, it would be the same as after a dude jacks off, and the sperm die. Nah, that's not an alive being. But killing a child... Man, so wrong. A fetus, your baby, that has a heartbeat, that dreams, that is so innocent and defenseless, and you wanna kill it? Shit then stay the hell away from me.
Idk. Sorry for the rant. Had to be said.
My Apologies
I feel bad because I sometimes ditch my friends to be with him. I don't get to see him on a daily basis, although I get to see him a little more often now, and I apologize to my friends. I guess I still feel kind of left out when they discuss how they will all hang out during the weekend, and how they will go watch movies or something, and everyone already assumes that I will be with Charlie. I know that's true, and that I have said many times that he owns my weekends, but still. He at least has boundaries. He gets to practice with his band, and hang out with his dude friends, and I am left alone at home. I'm not mad. I just feel left out with my friends who have their inside jokes, and then god forbid I am with Charlie and his friends, and they go on tangents on how awesome it was to have The Exchange together, and I am left out then, as well. Incredibly awkward and alienating. Idk. Feels like I don't belong anywhere anymore.
Evelyn has her crazy friends that she drinks with practically every weekend. She smokes pot now. She has a new boyfriend (shit I forgot his name). She prefers freaking Carlos' cousin to me. We used to be so close. I would practically live at her house during the summer. And now we actually talk like once a month.
I lost another best friend after that. I guess I deserve it. But he turned out to be an asshole. He messed with my relationship (which I treasure above all else), and he should have seen it coming. In all honesty, it's not the same without him, though. He was the person I went to when something bad happened. I remember talking to him about all the amazing stuff with Charlie. But I got fed up with him looking like he is in agonizing pain every time I mention my love's name. And he in essence called Charlie a bitch. So no more best friend.
Idk. Justy has Betsy. Lol not only that, but now both of them have boyfriends.
Seems like there is no place left for me with my old friends. Maybe I am overreacting. Idk.
I still have Kisa so I am still sane.
Evelyn has her crazy friends that she drinks with practically every weekend. She smokes pot now. She has a new boyfriend (shit I forgot his name). She prefers freaking Carlos' cousin to me. We used to be so close. I would practically live at her house during the summer. And now we actually talk like once a month.
I lost another best friend after that. I guess I deserve it. But he turned out to be an asshole. He messed with my relationship (which I treasure above all else), and he should have seen it coming. In all honesty, it's not the same without him, though. He was the person I went to when something bad happened. I remember talking to him about all the amazing stuff with Charlie. But I got fed up with him looking like he is in agonizing pain every time I mention my love's name. And he in essence called Charlie a bitch. So no more best friend.
Idk. Justy has Betsy. Lol not only that, but now both of them have boyfriends.
Seems like there is no place left for me with my old friends. Maybe I am overreacting. Idk.
I still have Kisa so I am still sane.
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